The Freelance Retort: A State of Wait

Let me be the last to wish you a Happy New Year!

Hopefully.

I know…you’ve heard that before…but not from me; not for a couple of years.

Yep…time flies…unless it takes the train.

Okay, that one’s a retread, too.

Maybe a re-re-re-retread.

What can I say? After hatching these pithy pearls of wisdom for nearly a decade, all of the good lines are in the hopper, already.

And since the analytics tell me—chatty as they are—most of the Retorter Faithful resides in roughly the same age demographic as I do—give or take a decade…or two…sometimes three—I figure you can’t recall what I wrote 2 months ago, let alone 2 years ago.

Oh, right…I didn’t write anything 2 months ago…or 3 or 4, for that matter.

You remember the analytics. They were a great doo-wop band back in the 50’s…I think…. maybe. And If they weren’t, they should have been.

At least that’s what the numbers say.

Get it…a little advanced math humor, there.

What?

I thought you wanted new.

Math is new…at least for me.

Nevertheless, here I am, wishing you a Happy New Year…and Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day and all the other days I may have neglected.

So that’s another new slant on things.

But that can be fixed with a new pair of orthotics.

Ba da bump…!

Ha…how about that, looks like I’ve still got it!

But the doctor says it should clear up in a month or two.

Ka-ching boom…!

Ha…I’ve got a million of them!

Hey, you gotta admit it’s been worth the wait…right…right…am I right?

In fact, it seems as if waiting is all we’ve been doing these last 13 months or so.

Waiting, waiting, waiting….

In fact, we’ve been in a state of wait.

At first, we waited for this “thing” to run its course and disappear so we could get on with our lives…not to mention baseball opening day.

But that didn’t happen.

Then we spent a lot of time waiting for our take-out to arrive.

That half Peperoni-half anchovy should be here any minute; although anchovies might be a bit sketchy after 7 hours in the back of Yugo.

We waited for the toilet paper truck to return.

We waited for the numbers to peak, then plateau, then drop.

We waited for sports to return.

We waited for the beaches to open.

We waited for our kidneys to clear the Clorox from of our systems.

We waited for the proctologist to remove the flashlight from our…well, you know.

We waited for the second wave.

We waited to make an appointment to receive the vaccine.

We waited to receive the first dose of the vaccine.

We waited to receive the second dose of the vaccine.

We waited for the third ear growing under our chins to fall off like they promised.

We waited for the vaccine to fully kick in so we could venture out to the grocery store with only four masks instead of eight.

We waited for our PTSD to subside so we could comfortably eat inside a restraunt, again; because, truth be told, those anchovies really don’t hold up after 7 hours in the back of Yugo.

And we’re still waiting for this state of wait to go the way of mutton chops, leisure suits and Millie Vanilli.

But it’s getting a little better…all the time.

Still, they say—and they say a lot…this way and that…that way and this—we still need to…wait for it…WAIT…just a little bit longer, and then we can all resume our normal lives.

Which you know, is different for everybody.

My normal is different from you normal…and yes, I can here that giant sigh of relief right through the internet.

Looking ahead, I think I’ll only wear my very expensive NASA certified Apollo space suit on weekends.

During the week I’ll just throw on the less expensive Walmart version.

And I guess I’ll have to start answering the door, again.

Probably for the best since Z gets annoyed when she has to shimmy up to the roof looking for an open window.

Kind of short sighted if you ask me…especially in the middle of a public health crisis.

But everyone copes in different ways…apparently.

At least, despite the state of wait, the horizon shines quite a bit brighter, these days; especially compared to a year ago when it was nothing more than an optimistic glimmer, in the distance.

Of course, unfortunately, things are not as bright everywhere. There’s still a lot of suffering and dying going on in the world with this “thing”.

And since we all live in the same world, until we get this “thing” under control, everywhere, no matter where it flashes its nasty fangs, we’ll have to keep our eye on that horizon, until it brightens for everyone, for everybody’s sake.

So, until then, I guess we’ll continue the state of wait just a bit longer and then…we’re gonna have one heck of a party….

Z says, it’ll be EPIC!

Which I’m hoping means there’ll be Fritos…the Big Scoop kind. Not the little ones that get stuck in the back of my throat….