Two Zombies walk into a mall.
The first Zombie says to the second Zombie… Arrrghumneeift”
To which the second Zombie, replies… “Mnmphruton!”
Which causes the first Zombie to spin in a circle and walk
into a LensCrafter's where he hands his eyes over to the receptionist, who
screams, which causes the second Zombie to convulse with something that might
or might not resemble laughter.
Yeah…so if you can
picture that, then you can pretty much figure out how the rest of my day went.
Unbeknownst to me, as I was driving the Zombie across the street
to the mall, to go pick out a
Valentine for his Mrs., he texted his Zombie friend, who
works in the area, to meet us over by the Cinnabon.
Just what I needed…two Zombies…shopping with me at the mall.
Who knew Zombies could text…I mean, have you seen their
thumbs…attached or no… have you seen
their thumbs?
First thing—and this isn’t unusual—the mall cop pulls up on
his little electric scooter thingie.
“Sir, are these Zombies with you?”
“Uhm…yes, well I mean one of them is with me, the other one
just showed up.”
“That’s not unusual,” the mall cop says. “First there’s one Zombie,
then two, then three…before you know it you’ve got a Zombie apocalypse on your
hands.”
“Well, were just gonna run into a couple of stores to pick
up a quick Valentine gift for…uhm, for one of their wives”
“Zombies have wives?”
“Sure….sometimes two or three, if that what it takes to put
a whole one together.”
The mall cop just shook his head. “Brrrrrrrrr…Zombies
just give me the creeps.”
“That’s not uncommon…at least until you get to know them.”
“Hey, you…get off of that vehicle!”
The second Zombie had jumped on the Mall Cop’s little
scooter thingie and was pretending to be popping wheelies.
Not wanting to cause a scene, I grabbed my Zombie from
across the street, who was thoroughly enjoying the show, and trudged off down the concourse,
with a side stop at Spencer’s Gifts, because no Zombie can walk by a Spencer’s
without going inside to check out the black light display.
Then, by the time we’re ready to slip out of there, the
second Zombie rejoins us and starts staring wistfully into one of the lava
lamps. It seems it reminded him of
something; I wasn’t sure what…and to be honest I really didn’t want to know.
We would have been there the rest of the day if I didn’t do
something to move things along, so I dragged my Zombie from across the street—literally—down
to the Victoria Secret, which was having a Valentine’s Day, “Buy One get One Free”, sale.
Hey, I thought, maybe I can get away with a free V-Day gift
for Z. She doesn’t need to know she’s
wearing the same underwear as a Zombie…and I know the Zombie isn’t going to
catch on.
So we walk in and are immediately greeted by a very young,
very pretty saleslady, who doesn’t even flinch at the sight of a Zombie. She
shoots a big smile our way and says, “How can I help you handsome gentlemen, today?”
Talk about sales training….
“Hi”, I say, working my best debonair, which is a little south of Sheldon’s on the “Big Bang.”
“We’re looking for a little Valentines something for my,
ahem…friend’s wife…you know something to set the mood.”
I’m not completely sure, but I think the Zombie might have
blushed and chuckled a little…but that could have just been more of his large intestine collapsing again.
“So what size, would we be looking for?” the sales lady
asks, again with the sweetest smile
you’ve ever seen.
I look over to the Zombie, trying to catch his eye…but it
was already past me…so he just shrugs—again, I think it was a shrug.
“It’s hard to say.” I’m working my best smile now…“Her size changes
from day to day…you know…depending on what’s available...you know, for parts.”
“Well, then!” the saleslady says, not missing a beat. “How
about one of our Luxury Lady, soft plushy bathrobes…perfect for every size, shape
and species!”
The Zombie is spinning in a circle now, which I decide to take
as a sign of affirmation, so I say, ‘”Great…it’s still buy one get one free, though, right?”
“Absolutely…will that be cash or charge!”
I look over to the Zombie, who was suddenly nowhere to be found, and
it immediately hits me…he doesn’t have any credit cards…or cash on him. What
was I thinking?
So I reluctantly hand over my own. “Uhm…I guess you better just put it on my Visa.”
And then I see the other Zombie is back and they’re both
outside the store, trying to cut the line at the Fro-Yo stand, across the way.
“What did I tell you about boundaries?” I shout.
“And make mine a Chocolate...with crunchies and nuts….”
Now
—"Like" is much too much of a commitment—
Of
course none of that stacks up against the time, in late March, a few years back,
when the power went off in one of those “rare” storms of the century, which
rendered our electric sump pump impumpotent, which in turn rendered our entire
basement under about 2 feet of water.
ghty.
Now, normally, I wouldn’t have been surprised by this,
having grown used to the Zombie's lack of awareness when it comes to respecting personal
space issues, but I can usually smell them coming…unless of course, as in this
case, the thermometer is well below freezing, which tends to mask the de-comp.
Okay…did I manage to annoy just about everyone?
Of course some of them give it away when they wear their
Duck Dynasty beards out to dinner, but their husbands are usually able to talk
some sense into them and get them to take them off, at least during desert. 
These matters usually just end up with lots of unfounded
accusations, name calling, hurt feelings and me not being invited back to anyone’s house for months at a time…you know, because of all the above.
