Thursday, May 21, 2020

Onward We March









My banana annoyed me this morning.

Yep…that’s how it’s been, these days.

My fruit is irritating me.

And to be honest, it probably wasn’t the banana’s fault…at least not entirely.

I was just in my usual “Mandated Lockdown”bad morning mood, which, after nearly 2 months, is a bit more intense than my usual, every day, bad morning mood.

Because on those occasions, I almost never get angry at my bananas.

Peaches, sure, but not bananas.

Peach cups come with all that sticky peach cup juice which, if not opened carefully, can lead to a multitude of sticky peach cup juice incidents.

But bananas are pretty much incident free, sticky or otherwise.

Until this morning.

This morning, as I sat down to peruse the online morning news, I began peeling my banana—no differently than I do on most banana mornings—but found a few too many of those stringy banana peely thingy things hanging off said banana…and in some places in between the banana and the peel itself.

But that, in and of itself, is no reason to incite banal banana bashing.

In the past, this sort of issue was easily addressed by simply grabbing hold of said stringy banana peely thingy thing hanging off the banana, and placing it to the side.

Except, in this case, with these particular stringy banana peely thingy things, they were somehow removing themselves, with no apparent stringy banana peely thingy thing rhyme or reason. Just falling free, before I could grab them, and dropping onto the floor, or my knee or foot or whatever happened to be in the way.

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Hunkering Down









Like the rest of you, no matter where where is, we’ve been biding our time, staying inside, hunkering down, waiting for the world to hit the reset button.

But it looks like it’s gonna be a while.

And despite my last post of 2019 “Meet The New Year”s, somewhat prescient theme…I obviously had no idea any of this was coming.

I had a much more mundane form of calamity in mind for 2020. The kind of things we’ve all become numb to over the past few years.

But this is what we’ve got, which kind of makes all the other stuff seem like a safe harbor in the midst of a storm.

So, as I said, we’ve been hunkering down for the last month, minding our P’s and Q’s which…you know... tend to get a little rowdy in times of global crisis.

P more so than Q, who tends to take things as they come, good times and bad.

Thursday, February 27, 2020

Frivolous February, We Hardly Knew Ye….







What happened to February?

February, we hardly knew ye.

Except for some silly Valentine cards, flowers and candy—be you so inclined—and some oft overlooked federal holidays, Frivolous February has pretty much served as a place holder bridging the gap to Maddening March, when we can actually start smelling spring wafting in through the back-porch door.

Even if it’s only my neighbors very fragrant dryer sheets wafting across the driveway…and then in through the back-porch door.

But at least you can open the back-porch door in March…sometimes.

Not that February has been unkind; nope, not this year.

Around these parts, it’s made nary a whimper; not even a hint of snow or icy temps that I can recall.

Which, I suppose, is why it’s pretty much slipped our notice.

So, there’s that.

However, since I wanted to get an early start on the Retorting, this year, I disappointingly find myself knee deep into 2020 with nothing to show for it…as some are apt to rudely point out. Especially since I pulled that “here’s something under the wire” caper, at the end of January.

Some people were not very happy about that, having gotten themselves settled in for some full-fledged belly rolling retortage only to fall prey to some lazy, smart ass slight of verbiage.

Sorry about that; it seemed like a good ide at the time.

Still, the new federal guidelines in regard to excessive belly rolling content is scheduled to take effect, sooner rather than later, so I thought I’d better cut back.

Friday, January 31, 2020

Here’s Something!





I told myself I would post something in January, this year.

Especially since, last year, I didn’t get the Retort off the ground until Mid-March.

But, as you know, there’s been A LOT going on in January.

So I’ve been a bit distracted.

How could I not with all thats in the news, lately.

BIG BIG stories like these, banging on the door, demanding my attention, every day.

Firefighters rescue deer from backyard pool in Ohio

 

Escaped cow leads police on chase through Texas neighborhood

 

Large snake rescued from storm drain grate at side of road

 

Kansas resident finds 6-foot boa constrictor hiding in couch


Which may or may not be the same snake rescued from the drain.

Right? 

So, since I hate to disappoint myself, which to be honest, I really don’t…I’m posting something tonight... just under the wire.

Ready?

Here goes….

 

SOMETHING

Stay tuned…more to come in 2020…promise…sort of…maybe…who knows…?

___________________________________________________






Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Meet the New Year….





So, another calendar is just about gone.

Right now, 2019 is packing its bags, more than happy to get out of Dodge before the preverbal sh…stuff…hits the fan.


2019 can’t hide that goofy grin on it’s face as it folds the last of August and the brrrrrrrr months into tight little squares and packs them away.

In the meantime, 2020 is out back, pacing, already looking the worse for wear; already a little grey showing around the temples, and a few too many wrinkles around its eyes…at least for a fresh new baby year, which hasn’t even gotten its feet squarely on the ground, yet.

Yep, I guess it knows, like the rest of us…this is going to be one mixed up, screwy year.

Except 2020 is in charge of keeping it all together, in one piece; however it pans out, folks are not going to forget 2020. 

Nope…not for a long long time.

If you listen closely, as the winds of change rattle through threadbare trees, it sounds very much like…“Meet the new year…same as the old year”.

You know the tune…everybody knows the tune. 

Of course, now, you’ll be humming it the rest of the day and probably night.

Maybe tomorrow too.

Which annoys 2020, to no end.

Thursday, December 19, 2019

The Christmas Rush











Every year I take a look at my past Christmas posts to see what sentimental side of the fence I should land on. If I was in a negative mood, last year, I’ll try to balance it out with something positive, this year.

However, sometimes, I write positive even though I feel negative. The thought being, maybe I can write myself out of the negativity.

So, figuring it all out is a crap shoot.

Which, I suppose, is hardly in keeping with the Christmas spirit.

But sometimes it’s just cool to write “crap”, whenever the opportunity presents itself...holiday season or not.

Although, some people might say….

In any case, I’ve decided to go positive, this year.

And no…not in a “I’m positive Christmas is going to su—make me crazy…again…this year!” kind of way.  

It’s all full speed ahead, holiday cheer, ho ho ho, jingle jingle all the way.


Boughs of Holly, Sugar Plums dancing, Mistletoe hanging, Toddies imbibing and logs on the fire...George Baily's got nothing on me!

I’m all in.

Except for….

No…not gonna go there.  Not this year!

Perry Como, Andy Williams, Charlie Brown, Nat King Cole…

Even with all the hub bub, dashing through the snow…oh what fun is to sing a sleighing song tonight!

But a lot of people are in a bit of a hurry.

I guess they don’t have my positive, no pressure Christmas attitude.

There’s such a rush towards Christmas.

Especially in a year when Thanksgiving comes sooooo late in November.

Short holiday turn-arounds tend to put folks into a panic getting all their holiday decorating and traditions underway. They’re untangling lights and unpacking ornaments even before Uncle Henry has finished carving the turkey.

Next door neighbors are out blowing up their inflatable snowmen and whathaveyous long before Santa turns the corner onto 34th street.

Houses require decorating, inside and out. Parties need to be planned, menus must be decided. Christmas carol play lists must be created. Holiday outings scheduled and fulfilled.

Old Aunt Lucy’s not gonna strap those elf ears on by herself, anymore.

There’s less than a week now, people…let’s go go go go go….!

Thursday, November 28, 2019

Small Town Thanksgiving - From 2011














Thought I’d share my original Thanksgiving story from 2011. 

I’m sure most of you have never read it and if you have, I’m sure you’ve forgotten it. It’s one of my personal favs, mostly because it was written at a time when I actually knew how to use a semi-colon.  

But does anyone really know how to use a semi-colon?