Friday, February 27, 2015

Zombies Hate Winter Too


 
 
 
 

I mean, sure…we all hate winter…but nowhere near as much as the Zombies.

And you can pretty much understand why.

Snowy, icy sidewalks are not conducive to Zombie ambulation.

In other words, they don’t walk real well in snow or ice.

You know, because of the shuffling thing.

Think about it. If you can’t lift your feet, then you’re going to get a lot of snow in your shoes.

And nothing makes a Zombie crankier than wet socks…other than holier than thou vampires who constantly flaunt their top of the line, fine tailored clothing in front of them.

Yeah.

You may not think it to look at them, but Zombies are pretty sensitive to the tattered condition of their wardrobes. Hey, can they help it if digging out of a 6 foot grave takes its toll on cotton, whether its permanent press or not?  

Friday, February 20, 2015

Plumbing for Entertainment






 
 
It's been a while, but I had to call Nardi the other day to unclog my pipe.

Not the kind of pipe you smoke stuff out of…

That I can clean myself.

I mean, if I had a pipe, which I don’t, and never did…and probably never will.

Unless I get all weird and sophisticated in my old age.

Or weirder and sophisticated ….

No, this is the kind of pipe you use to drain your bathtub, which makes more sense, since Nardi is my plumber.

If you’ve been reading these things for a while, you might remember that since I wrote all about Nardi and my plumbing, some time ago.

If you don’t, then you can read it here, now…if you want.  Don’t worry…we’ll wait for you to catch up

Hmmmmm Hmmmm dee dee da da deedee doo dum….

Sorry…obviously these folks are slow readers.

Doo dee dum dum dum (no pun intededed)

Do dee do….

Okay…everybody back on the same page now?

Hey, you…in the blue sweater.  Get off that Zombie story!

Sorry…some people are easily distracted…

Now, what was I saying?

Oh look…icicles!

Sorry…

Anyway, every now and then I have to unclog my bathtub drain since most of the hair that used to be on my head likes to settle down there on a daily basis.

At first, I notice it takes a bit longer for the water to empty after showering, but I can ignore that for a while, at least until the soapy water starts lapping around my knees.

Friday, February 6, 2015

The Winter Wall






 
I’ve kind of hit a wall where winter is concerned.

Actually, I’d like to throw winter against a wall, pick it up and throw it against the wall again…and again…and again.

That’s just how I feel.

I know… nobody really wants to hear about the weather, yet everyone wants to talk about the weather, especially cold winter weather, like this.

It’s a conundrum.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Me and My Shadow






 
 
I've been getting calls from people asking if I see my shadow.

Don't know what that's about....

Aren’t there rodents for that?

Wait…what?

Apparently the groundhog wasn’t able to get out of his driveway, this morning, due to the excessive accumulation of ice and snow.

But why is that my problem?

I couldn’t help even if I wanted to…despite my semi-rounded chin.

My shadow and I haven’t spoken in years…not since 2010.

We couldn’t agree on boundaries.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Blog Fog







 
Every year, right about this time, I seem to encounter a blog fog.

Just a hazy period where good ideas are hard to come by, and the ones that do appear seem to be lost behind a wall of fluffy gauze.

They’re out there, but I just can’t seem to get to them…nor do I feel particularly motivated to try.

Not sure why this happens. I guess my mind—you know, the one with a mind of its own—just wants a rest from all this absurdity I force upon it, day in and day out.

Oh sure, I could tell you all about my recent discovery…the one about how my butt shelf is shrinking.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Self & Soul—what a pair....







We’ve just emerged from the dark of the moon; a time when some say the veil between worlds thins and crossing through becomes possible…if you’re not careful.

Which I normally am, but sometimes, especially while watching “The Mindy Project”, I get distracted and…well, you know.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Mindless Regrets







I was supposed to have waffles for breakfast this morning, but instead mindlessly fixed myself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, which is my go-to breakfast on mindless days…which would be most days.

But this morning, I told myself…waffles…today I’m gonna have waffles.

And then I forgot.

So now I’m looking at an empty cereal bowl in which the aforementioned Honey Nut Cheerios did once reside.

So I’m thinking it might just be one of those days.

Now can you see why I’m reluctant to pursue the clone thing?

Although maybe if I had come down and found the clone eating waffles, I would have remembered.

But I can’t afford to think like that.

At least that’s what the doctor said.