Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving: Everything Happens for a Reason

It’s been said that everything happens for a reason.

It’s also been said that everything happens in its time.

And, in my experience, while this may or may not be true, these things are often said by people who may or may not owe you money...and the guy down the street whose kid just put a hockey puck through your driver’s side window.

But since today we’re celebrating our annual day of Thanksgiving, which means I’m feeling the effects of an overabundance of abundance—not to mention tryptophan—I’m inclined to take the less cynical view—for once—and think: Yeah, things do happen for a reason and in their own time.

And who can’t use a little optimism these days, given all the things in the world we can’t control...which includes standing on an endless line in the middle of a box store of your choice hoping to score one of the last 900 inch HDTVs going for $29.99...even before you use your 30% off coupon!

This past summer I told you about our impending trip to the Emerald Isle to search for visit the Irish half of my ancestral roots and the old homestead where my Gramps, Sargent Jim Moloney of the P.C.P.D—circa 1920s thru 1950s—grew up in a rather large family that resulted in nearly a couple of hundred descendants, scattered all over the world.

And back in June most of those descendants actually “descended” on the town of Loughrea, County Galway to re-connect, and in many cases, myself included, actually connect for the very first time.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Half Brain Will Travel

Sitting here on a rainy November morning, trying to write something that will stick to something or someone is, I guess, a lot better than sitting there on a rainy November morning, trying to write something that will stick to something or someone...because at least here I don’t have to smile all that much.

Hmmmm...I don’t think that’s it.  No sticking there at all.

Which is odd because one would think that a gloomy fall morning would foster a thread of introspection and open up the door to a plethora of thoughtful ideas.

But that’s how one is, always the optimist, whereas two is just thinking maybe that bagel would have been better if it had been toasted a little bit more.  

Two...never satisfied, no matter what the season.

Nahhhhh...that doesn’t do it, either. Besides, I’ve done the one/two thing more than once...or twice...maybe even thrice. 

I don’t know, well into Retort year 5, it’s becoming harder and harder to share stuff that anyone with even half a brain would find interesting, let alone compelling.

Not that I think any of you have half a brain...I don’t.

Wait...that came out wrong. I mean I know most of you have more than half a brain...way more.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Halloween—Trick or Treat? - Again

Another Halloween is upon us....whether we want it or not. 
Luckily, not much changes with Halloween from year to year, except for the measurable inches of snow we sometimes receive.

I'd like to stay and chat some more, but I'm having trouble locating one of my mouse ears and one mouse ear just doesn't fly, especially with the witches next door who are sticklers when it comes to potion preparation. 


From the Archive of Retort - October 31, 2011



Trick or Treat!

Where's the snow shovel?

Hey Dude, you’re stepping on my tail!

Ho Ho Ho!

All things you normally hear on Halloween…except maybe the Ho ho ho.

Actually, now that I think about it, there’s probably going to be a Christmas commercial running somewhere the minute you turn off the lights on the Trick or Treaters.

Can’t start too early.

Halloween is one of those “holidays” that you either love or hate. To the uninhibited among you, you love it and begin plotting your costume-ware as early as July…maybe sooner.

I’m thinking you’re also a big fan of practical jokes. Can’t get enough of those fart cushions at parties!

To the inhibited, of whom I count myself, the thought of picking out some self-conscious bunny eared costume complete with cotton tail is…well…not pleasant.

Okay…sure… I had a bad experience once. But that officer was way out of line.

Luckily, Z looked so adorable in her little baby doll outfit that she was able to talk him out of using the least the metal ones.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I’m a Met fan! - From the Archive of Retort

Seemed like a good day to resurrect this one from July 2011.

Not sure why....


I’m a Met fan!

I’m not ashamed
to say it.

I’m a Met fan!

There I said it again…

It’s not like it’s my choice. 

No…there’s no choice involved.

Who would choose to go through what a Met fan goes through in a lifetime?

No…it’s not a choice. It’s a way of life.  It’s who we are; how we were born. 

It’s genetically pre-determined.

Like other traits that wrap around our DNA: loyalty, truthfulness, trustfulness, kindness, grumpiness, pragmatist, fatalist, pessimist…even how we tie our shoes. 

None of it’s our choice; it’s just who we are.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

What Happened to the Future? - Again

I've put this one up a couple of times, now. But I suppose it's a bit apropos today since I keep hearing about all this "Back to the Future" stuff and what did and didn't come true. Some version of it might have, but most of it didn't.  Plus, I've never been satisfied with my hover board and I still haven't paid off my credit card bill from 1985.... 

Here from the past, 10/5/2011, into the future, 10/21/2015....


What happened to the future?

 I mean the future everyone was talking about when I was a kid back in the 60’s.

The one where we all lived propped up on mile high towers in near-space where the stars shone all the time. We drove, or flew rather, on skyways in tiny little space cars enclosed with synthetic see through bubble tops. 

Hi-tech machines and robots took care of all of our menial chores, including bathing, brushing our teeth and even dressing ourselves.  All you need do was push a few buttons and off you went down a conveyor belt and into some sort of electronic phone booth where, within seconds, you emerged from the other side fully clothed and ready for your day at the sprocket factory…but not before saying goodbye to Jane your wife…daughter Judy and your boy Elroy.

What happened to that future with all the cool toys that were promised, like wall size 3D holographic interactive TVs, indoor dog walkers and robots named Rosie to keep your sky pad up and running in tip top button pushing shape? 

Friday, October 16, 2015

Of Leaf Blowers and Men

It’s fall, which means its leaf blower season.

But when isn’t it leaf blower season?

In the height of summer when there’s nary a wayward leaf to be found, a gaggle of landscapers whoosh away worms, ants or anything else they can or can’t see, including small pets and wayward children, off the affluent lawns left in their charge.

Even in winter, some Yo Yos are out blowing snow off their sidewalks.

But fall...fall is when the leaf blowers really come out in force, attacking in coordinated precision each leaf before it even touches down onto a single bend of grass.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Still Summer for Zombies

Unlike me, the Zombies across the street have definitely not embraced the fall.

In fact, they’re very much still in summer mode...which is disturbing, even in July.

You know, because of the skimpy European bathing attire they favor.

I mean, even on the best of bods, that kind of thing makes conversation, let’s say, uncomfortable...and most Zombie bods—at least what’s left of them—are far from the best of anything.

Not that, they’re to blame. Decomp will take its toll on all of us.

It’s just that, most likely, we won’t be sunbathing in the front yard well into October.