Friday, May 10, 2019

Off You Go…go….









You probably don’t spend too much time talking on the phone these days.

You probably text more than talk.

You’re in…you’re out.

Don’t forget, to bring your pants home, this time!

Texting is short and simple.

Talking, is not.

“How are you? No, I didn’t know about your eczema flare up. Yes, I did see that movie. No, I won’t tell you how it ends. No, I didn’t see that one…oh, he was dead the whole time…no kidding. So, you ended up with sausage instead of meatballs?  I suppose that was a nice change.  How long of a procedure is that? I have no idea if it’s considered cosmetic or not.  Well, your guess is as good as mine. Okay, I guess your guess is better…I guess.”

Talking can drag on…for a while.


Especially when you’re not quite sure how to get off the phone.

Even after 8 hours.

You could use the direct approach.

“Holy Moly, my kitchen is on fire…I have to go!”

Or Holy Moly, whatever…fill in the blank.

Because Holy Moly is always a good go-to escape route no matter what you attach to it.

Or you can be even more direct… 
“You know I really don’t care about anything you’re saying…in fact, while you’ve been yammering on and on for the last hour, I’ve been cleaning my oven, and the hour before that I was counting the litter in in the litter box.”

You could say that…some people do…not saying who.

Although, unfortunately, for the most part, people don’t like to be rude.

Friday, April 26, 2019

Impeachment and me








I may have been a little hasty in my rush to claim full and complete exoneration, a few weeks back.

Yeah….

Especially since full and complete pretty much mean the same thing.

Apparently, there are some obstruction of justice issues, still on the table.

Like my dirty breakfast and lunch dishes.

And possibly a late night snack or two.

Possibly.

Z said there’s no justice in that…especially since she knows I know she can’t stand a messy kitchen and I expect she’ll clean it all up in the morning.
Along with all the dirty laundry left on the floor, which Z hates, especially since most of it belongs to my friend Vladimir, who dislikes going to the laundry mat. 
Vlad say's he's above all that, and I believe hm. 
I have no reason not to.
He' was very forthright and genuine when I looked him right in the eye and asked him about it.

Friday, April 19, 2019

A Cinematic Life









When I was a kid, which some people—I won’t say who—say I still am, I liked to view my life as a movie.

Complete with soundtrack, special effects...oh, and of course, an audience.

Somewhere, out there, perhaps in a galaxy far, far away sat a rapt audience hanging on my every move.

Of course, since my daily, real life was kind of average, at best, and boring, at worst, it was important to create alternate scenarios, all of which involved some sort of secret agent work.

I mean, what better cover could there be for the world’s greatest covert hero than a suburban 5th grade Catholic school kid?

Maybe a nun; especially since they could conceal any manner of weapons under those big, baggy outfits they wore, back then.

You’d be amazed at the sheer number of items they could whip out of their sleeves, alone.

Friday, April 12, 2019

Are Black Holes Really Exciting?






Everyone’s excited about this photograph depicting the first actual view from earth of a Black Hole.
Sort of....

The so-called event horizon, beyond which even light cannot escape and where all known physical laws break down…sometimes, also referred to as The White House.

Sorry…I couldn’t resist.

According to the scientists, a black hole is the region around an extremely compact clump of matter whose intense gravitational force so powerfully distorts and warps space that you might think of it as a puncture in space itself. 

Kind of like what one of my old college roommates produced on Saturday mornings after his usual raucous Friday nights.

Originally, according to the NY Times, black holes were just one mathematical solution to Einstein’s field equations of general relativity. There was no guarantee that they corresponded to real astronomical objects.

Even Einstein was skeptical that they existed…as well as the need to tip, since he was known as a notorious cheapskate, among the other geniuses.

Friday, April 5, 2019

Completely Exonerated!







After months of endless suspicion and accusation, I’m please to say the Mueller Report has completely exonerated me!

Completely….

I can’t tell you how relieved that makes me.

Well, actually I can tell you…and in fact I probably just did.

I guess it’s just one of those weird things you say but don’t really mean.

Like… after months of endless suspicion and accusation, I’m please to say the Muller Report has completely exonerated me!

Anyway, my point is…I’m in the clear.

No more WITCH HUNT!

So I’m glad that’s over.

Because witches are pretty scary.

Especially the green ones with the brooms and weird hats.

And hopefully that “Fixer” fella will stop sending me snap chat messages asking for advice.

How should I know what color tie works best in C Block?

At least, now, I can get back to doing the people’s work.

Friday, March 29, 2019

Here’s an Idea









Everyone has an idea.

Except my Uncle George; at least according to my Aunt Sally. Aunt Sally always says Uncle George has no idea…no idea at all. Then she usually winks and walks away.

In any case, distant relatives aside, there are a lot of ideas floating around, so there’s a pretty good chance you’ve had one yourself…maybe more than one…maybe even a couple.

Even me…I have an idea once in a while.

Like this one…an idea about ideas.

Hey…I didn’t say it was a great idea…or even a good idea. I just said it was an idea…about ideas.

My first idea about ideas is the more you say it, or read it, the weirder it looks and sounds.

Friday, March 22, 2019

Spring Hope’s Eternal






Hope sits on the doorstep of Spring.
Every year, with a big smile, waiting to be let in.
It’s the best thing about spring.
Hope.
After all those abbreviated, dreary days, grey skies, drizzle and frozen nights blanketed with snow...it’s spring!
The sun hangs high, stirring lawns, awakening buds, elevating new sprouts of crocuses, daffodils and tulips upward and outward.
All of it shouting in celebratory tones…we made it!
It’s spring!
Now, instead of merely dreaming of better days, we can actually set our sights on them—months of them—ahead.
Not that we’re totally without hope throughout the bleak months of winter.
We hope Netflix finally comes to its senses and starts streaming “The Musters” after all of our complaints.
We hope the nor’easters arrive packing mostly rain, and, if not, hope most of the snow drifts on our neighbor’s driveway instead of ours.