Sunday, August 24, 2014

The Sunday Archive of Retort - 7/11/12

Surveillance is Fun





These days there are cameras everywhere.
I mean besides the ones Z had installed in the house so she can keep an eye on me.
 
 
From 7/11/12:

Surveillance is Fun (click click)

 

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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Summer Archive of Retort - 7/20/12

 Smart Dog

 





It's officially the dog days of August...the time when we start to wonder where the summer went and why all our shorts have shrunk 2 sizes around the waist. 

 Dog Days...maybe it's not such a bad thing . Is your dog worrying about Labor Day lurking right around the corner?


Nope...not if it's a Smart Dog


From 7/20/12:

Smart Dog (click click)

 


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Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Sunday Archive of Retort - 8/15/12

Stared Senseless 




It's normal to stare at people from time to time.
We all do it...for no reason. And hopefully they don't stare back....




From 8/15/12

Stared Senseless (click click)



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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Jul-august Rescinded





 
 
 
Jul-august has been rescinded

Yeah…

So if you have plans in August, you’d better get to them.

If you haven’t already missed them.

Sorry….

My bad.

Apparently I didn’t have the proper paperwork in place to create a new time continuum.

Apparently I filled out the paperwork for  creating a new space continuum, which means I can now fit all my sweater vests on the closet shelf…but not add on to the already established Gregorian calendar to delay wearing those sweaters…even for a couple of weeks.

Apparently it annoys Gregor.

The Putz…

So these two guys in suits show up at my door the other morning, asking for me.

Naturally, I did what you’d expect anyone in a similar position to do.

I sent them across the street to the Zombie’s.

Which really didn’t fool them.

Not much past lunch, anyway, when the Zombies gave me up.

Zombie Putz’s

When they returned—Zombie bag in hand—the two guys in suits told me not to be too hard on the Zombies because they discerned  right away, none of them were me.

They said the Zombies were much better dressers than what they were told to expect.

Which annoyed me because, let’s face it, the Zombies pretty much just throw on any old thing they find lying around in the morning, nor matter who or what is wearing it.

Anyway, they told me I was in violation of Universal Law 43-56.733-2…which was a relief because I was a little concerned they were going to try and saddle me with Universal Law 43-56.733-4…which is a whole other kettle of fish…

And if there’s one thing I don’t need right now is more fish…to fry or otherwise.

Know what I’m saying?

Really?

Now that is odd….

Bottom line is, I have to rescind Jul-august, recall all the amended calendars, and put everything back in time the way I found it.   

So anything you may have been doing over the last 10 days…didn’t happen.

And that Jury Duty notification you received that said you must report on August 4th…sorry about that.

Also, it’s probably best to move out of that summer beach cottage you thought was open for the last 2 weeks…it wasn’t….it isn’t.

So those annoying people who were sleeping in your bed when you arrived were right.

Don’t worry… the police will understand the mix-up.

Plus, I’m pretty sure that deposit was refundable…maybe.

And if your mortgage payment was due on the 1st  and you missed it…the banks are pretty cool about that kind of thing…for the most part.

No harm no foul…for the most part.

And if you’re upset about all of this, you can imagine how I feel….

Nah… I’m kinda sure you can’t.

Truth is it doesn’t affect me all that much.

I’m pretty much in the dark as to what day of the week it is most months…imaginary or not.

The only real down side for me is it gives me less time to annoy people.

So it’s back to business as usual for everyone. Re-adjust your internal calendars and turn the clock ahead…way ahead…like 12 days ahead.

It’s August 12th —unless it’s later—and it’s back to business as usual…whatever that may be.

Get your noses out of the roses and back on the grind stone.

You’ve got a lot of lost time to make up.

I know I do….

Nah…not really….
 
Now where is that lost shaker of salt...?
 

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Friday, August 1, 2014

Jul-august Arrives





 
 
 
 
In some circles, the calendar just flipped over to August.

But not my circle. 

Nu-uh….I’m not ready to let go of July…not yet…not entirely.

So I’m declaring the period from now until further notice to be…Jul-august.

Kind of like Gelato…only better, without all that messy fruit.

Sort of like ice cream….but not really.…

So it’s Jul-august….officially.

Because I said so.

And the beauty of it is, I can pretty much make a reservation for just about anything I want, just about anywhere I want to go…because, who else thought to book anything for Jul-august.

Want a primo room on the beach at your favorite shore spot…?

Bingo...it’s yours.

Want a great table by the window at that impossible to get into Riverview steak house…?

Pow…you’re in.

And if someone misguidedly shows up to claim the August 1st reservation they made with that little Gnome guy, 6 months ago…you show them one of the fancy new calendars I just had printed up.

What…you though I’d be unprepared? 

“Sorry…August 1st isn’t for another week…maybe two.”

What can they say?

It’s right there on paper.

And if you need to, which I doubt you will…you can just direct them to The Freelance Retort and this story.

What more explanation would they need?

The other good thing is it gives all your friends—the ones who are always saying they’re so disappointed they didn’t have enough time in July to throw that pig roast, and now August is pretty much filled up, as well—plenty of time to catch that pig and throw something together.

I mean who amongst you has already made plans for Jul-august?

Nobody…that’s who.

Well, except me. I’ve already booked my colonoscopy for Jul-august 13, which I can’t wait to get to, you know…once they figure out which proctologist is scheduled to work that day.

Hey…if they cancel they cancel. At least I tried.

Unfortunately, it’s not all smooth sailing, this Jul-august transition thing.

One problem with Jul-august is, since it’s new, the weather prognosticators don’t really know what kind of weather they should get wrong.

Should they say it’s gonna be rainy so you’ll re-arrange all your outdoor plans, only to  have it turn out sunny…or vice versa.

Or should they just say to expect typical Jul-august weather in the days ahead, and leave it at that.…

After all…Jul-august can be pretty unpredictable, especially since I just made it up.

So that’s another way to go.

Of course, all the catalogue companies will be in a bind, as well.

“Can you believe that JJ Potterbean is sending out their Fall Preview catalogue, already, and we haven’t even gotten through half of Jul-august…?’

Annoying, right?

Or what about all those unsettling Back to School ads?

“Can we at least enjoy Jul-august before we have to start thinking about school?”

So to all of you worrying about summer slip sliding away…before you reach your indigestion… relax…it’s only Jul-august and you’re not at all slip sliding away….

Or something like that….

What do I know…other than it’s Jul-august.

Go out and enjoy the season…there’s nothing else to do.

Do you really think your boss scheduled any meetings or projects for Jul-august?

Ahhhhh…now you’re getting it…..

And everybody knows the fish are biting in Jul-august…or, if you prefer….they’re not….

But if this whole messing with the seasons thing makes you uncomfortable...just wait until Aug-tember...now that's a time of year worth waiting for....
 
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Sunday, July 27, 2014

Slacking Summer Update





 
 
Thought I’d check in from Slacking Summer and see how everyone was getting along…you know just in case you noticed I hadn’t been around much.

You did notice, didn’t you?

Anyone…?

Anyone…?

Not even Bueller…my slacking idol?

But don’t think it’s been a total 100% Slacking Summer, non-effort.

I have put a bit of effort into a few essentials that needed doing.

I changed Summer Slacking into Slacking Summer, for one….just because I felt frisky that day.

I arranged my shoe closet in a more orderly fashion, from right to left…dirty sneakers on the left…less dirty sneakers in the middle…and only mildly marred sneakers on the right.

Wait…that would be left to right…wouldn’t it?

Damn…I’ll have to do it again.  

I arranged my blue jeans by color.

I separated my T-shirts from my Q-shirts…they never did get along.

I got rid of most of the socks and underwear that didn’t belong to me.

But like I said that was the essential stuff.

I’ve also committed myself to counting all the grains of sand on the beach, and not stopping until I do.

I’m up to 27…so I have to go back a few more times.

I’m also working on stopping a wave in mid-roll with my mind.

No luck so far, so there’s lots more work, there too.

I know….

It’s tough…but no one ever said Summer Slacking is easy…or even Slacking Summer.

Whatever….

Got to get back to it.

Until next time…whenever that is...you know, because of the slacking....

 

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Sunday, July 20, 2014

Summer Slacking

Summer Shadow Slacking




 
Summer is a time for slacking.

We’ve discussed this before…so if you’re not—slacking—shame on you.

Okay okay okay….

I know…not everyone can be a slacker…or a writer, which some say are one and the same.

But that’s just Z…and my Mom…and some if not all of my friends…okay, friend.

Summer is like a sweet desert after a heavy meal of double, double toil and trouble; fire burn, and caldron bubble…of the previous less temperate seasons.

I’m not quite sure what that means, exactly, but hey…it’s the season for slacking. What do you expect?

In my mind…along with all the snakes…summer is a big heaping helping of Apple Pie, with an even larger scoop of ice cream—your choice—slowly melting down and into the sides.

The more it melts, the tastier the pie.

And that’s how we should all feel about summer as we sit back and allow ourselves to melt down and into the sides of July.

 No worries, Mon…toes in the water, a—uh, butt  in the sand….”

Because if you can’t dissolve into July…when can you?

Not January…nothing melts in January.

Certainly not February, when you can barely feel your toes, and your a—uh, butt is just plain frozen.

No…July, right into August…the melting season.

But not everyone is on board with this passive approach to summer…let alone slacking.

Some would rather take a different approach—a more aggressive one.

The idea of simply melting away, into anything makes them feel much too helpless…much too carefree, which is the key to slacking…especially, summer slacking.

They would rather absorb the summer into them, instead of them into it.

And I suppose that might work for some.

“No problems Mon, whatever tickles your ta ta’s…it’s summer. There is no right or wrong in summer, Mon.”

But it doesn’t work for me…not the summer slacker.

Because to absorb summer means to absorb all of the "requirements" of summer, as well.

“I have to go to the beach this weekend, in order to meet my 10.6 hr. tanning quota for the month.”

“I need just seven more hot dogs to beat my nitrate levels for last summer!”

“Holy Cow, it’s nearly August and I haven’t once rolled down the window and let the wind blow back my hair…not once!”

Or even worse….

“I need to book the same motel at the same vacation spot on the same beach at the same shore….”

And that’s far from summer slacking…as far as you can possibly be.

That’s summer obligation…even if it’s self-imposed.

And granted, anything...obligation or no...with summer at its head is better than anything starting or ending with winter...but wouldn’t you rather have as much of the limited time you can muster—a month, a week or even a day—facing that day with an unscheduled agenda, an obligation of only guilt free non-obligation, a free spirit and an empty mind…you know…just like a writer?

So in the summer weeks ahead, instead of making lists and scheduling events and plans for all the “fun” things you need to do this summer…take a walk down to the beach—any beach—plop your a—uh, butt on the water’s edge and let the morning tide slide over your toes.

Melt into summer, and follow the flow wherever it goes.

It's only here for a little while.

Why waste a minute of it?

 

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