Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Thanksgiving - Then & Now...now and then...

Holidays tend to flip the nostalgia switch in us all.

Something about holding a greasy turkey leg in one hand while scooping mashed potatoes, turnips, stuffing and a side of cranberry down our gullets with the other, stirs the way back machine with thoughts of better days.

Probably a form of hypoxia triggered by a blocked airway due to all that food jammed down our collective throats, at once.

Someone will undoubtedly bring up the time Grandma dropped the string beans down Aunt Millie's  "much too low cut" dress or when Uncle Ted chased the dog around the living room trying to rescue what was left of the pumpkin pie.

It’s also usually around this time when someone at the table starts talking about how much better things were back “then” compared to how much worse things are “now”.

How when we were kids a feast like Thanksgiving was anxiously awaited with great excitement and appreciated by all, not only for the abundance of food it brought to the table, but also the opportunity to reconvene with family and friends.

How, now, Thanksgiving is just a rehearsal for Christmas, where a lot of folks would rather ski or shop than spend the day making memories. These days, Thanksgiving doesn’t even rate a holiday commercial, much less a song. Christmas takes over the second Halloween porch lights are snuffed.

And then the talk about how when we were kids, we didn’t have (fill in whatever form of modern technology you’d like) begins.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Over Adaption

Brrrrrrrrrrrr...it’s cold.
Winter is finally here...sort of.

I mean, there’s still 6 weeks and change before winter is "officially" here.

I know, I did the research...just to impress all of you naysayers who are pretty sure, I usually don’t.

And you’d be usually right...but this time I did.

I’m adapting, because the last thing I want is to be accused of “Fake Blogging”.

Which of course I do...on a regular basis...I just don’t want to be accused of it.

Bada Boom....

Yeah, okay. I know....

I’ve use that particular “hi-larious” set up more than a few times, in the past.

But it’s been a while and I’m hoping most of you don’t pay attention to that kind of thing, let alone any of this stuff, at all.

Or you’ve just adapted to “I guess this is the most we can hope for, from this guy?” and let it slide.

So thanks for your under enthusiasm...I’ve adapted to that, myself.

Speaking of adaption, which you should know we were—even if you aren’t paying all that much attention—since I’ve mentioned it now in some form or another, five times, plus it’s in the title.

So...speaking of adaption—six—and getting back to the point I was originally making—I think—winter is finally here...sort of.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Pretty Smart

If you’re pretty smart you probably don’t even know it.

You’re just smart, all the time; always were...always will be.

It’s just your normal.

So why would it even occur to you to be anything other than that.

You wouldn’t walk around telling people how smart you are.

No more so than you would tell them how proficient you are at putting on your pants.

Although I have developed a pretty neat technique that reduces the number of times I have to turn my waist band around in a week.

Just sayin....

However, if you have your doubts, or if you think others have their doubts, no matter how convinced you are about you own “smartness”, you might be prone to reminding others just how smart you really are.

Which is just dumb...no matter how smart it seems to you.

And this kind of self-absorbed crowing doesn’t only apply to “smart”, it applies to just about every positive quality you believe you possess. 

If you gotta say it, chances are it ain’t happening.

Except in your own head, where it most likely belongs.

Oh, sure...you might have a suspicion you can do certain things fairly well, fairly easily.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

It’s Halloween...you know?

Today is Halloween, which is something you probably already know.

But I’m good at that...telling you stuff you already know.

It’s a good way to get people to agree with you...maybe even like you a little bit.

I might pass someone out on the walking trail, later, and say, “Great weather, today, huh?”

To which they’ll probably reply, “Great weather all fall!”

And despite the fact they’re a little “one-upping” me, it still makes me feel good—“one-upping”, notwithstanding—makes them feel good—“one-upping” being a plus—and everyone goes on their way, feeling good...unless a stray shower or dog suddenly pops up, then all bets are off the table.

But you probably already know that too.

Doesn’t that make you feel good?

You’re welcome.

So, as I said...today is Halloween, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention it.

So I just did....

And isn’t the weather just great?

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Retortalarity Revisited

You might be wondering:

What the heck happened to “The Freelance Retort”, this summer. 

It’s gotten so much better!

Which is mostly because there hasn’t been any Freelance Retort since the end of June.

So there’s that....

But, in all likelihood, you’re probably just wondering what you should have for breakfast this morning...or lunch...or dinner...or your mid-morning/afternoon snack.

Which is what I’m doing.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Hometown Holiday Memories on the 4th of July

It’s time to strike up the band and fire up the grill!

Yep, it doesn’t seem possible but Fourth of July weekend is already upon us.

Just a month ago it was Memorial day sneaking back into town as we were busy putting our winter coats away and digging out the air conditioners during that little May heat wave we suffered through...then...turning around and dragging all those winter coats back down—again—and pulling those same air conditioners out of the windows—again—while we fired up our boilers with temps dropping back into the 40s.

 Ahhhh...May...ahhhh June.

So hot...so cold...so hot...so confusing

But such is the way of springtime, and now summer, here in my hometown and, I suppose, the rest of the northeast...but who cares about them.

Which is the nice thing about small town living,

Despite all the division, noise and hub bub spinning out of control in the real world, we small towners have an opportunity to step back, from time to time, and put all the insanity aside, if just for a weekend...and, even better, a holiday weekend.

And the holidays are what make small town living special; are what brings neighbors together.

It’s difficult to dwell on the negative—even though just saying the word “dwell” has such a nice ring to it—while watching lines of happy kids in scout uniforms marching down the Avenue in formation...or something that resembles a formation.

It all depends on whether the kid carrying the flag gets distracted.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Oh, the Drama....

Some people love the drama.

They claim not to, but they do.

We all know them, these “Drama Peeps”.

There’s not an incident too small or insignificant that can’t be turned into some sort of personal trial.

“My shoe lace came untied just as I was on the corner, crossing the street, and that horrible countdown clock began clicking off the seconds, so I had to run across with only one tied shoelace, all the while worrying over the untied one, flapping all around as a tripping hazard. I could very easily have gotten run over by a bus.  It was awful!”

To which you might reply...

“Maybe you should look into Velcro.”

To which they’d reply, because Drama Peeps, never listen to what you have to say....

“Then...on top of all that what do I find on the bottom of my shoe....some sort of disgusting green gum, which I’m sure was packed full of horrible diseases!”

To which you might again reply...

“Did you say green gum...and what corner was this exactly?”

“Now I’m going to have to throw these perfectly good shoes away, and they’re only 6 years old...possibly 7...maybe eight.”

“Was it spearmint or something fruity?”

And on and on it goes.

It’s as if the “Drama Peeps” need the drama in order to justify their being; adding some measure of import to their day to day activities.