Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Hard to Imagine






I saw a story online, the other day, announcing Tom Hanks was turning 60.

Oooooooooooooh....

60....

Imagine....

60....

And the tone of incredulity, in which it was posted, indicated it was an announcement one step below his obituary.

60....poor guy.

Hard to imagine.

But what I do imagine is the story was written by someone all of 22 to whom turning 60 is kind of like imagining life without belly shots.

Having turned 60, myself, some two plus years ago, I can tell you it’s no big deal.

So I think Tom will be fine.

The walkers come with instructions and the adult diapers aren’t all that bad once you get used to the puffy butt line.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

AWOL - Absent Without Laughs





I’ve been AWOL, "Absent Without Laughs", these last 6 weeks, or so—in more ways than one—because things like that happen when life goes out of kilter.

Plus you tend to walk a little crooked and to one side.

Which makes your shoes wear a little funny.

You know...because of the out of kilter thing.

Get it?

But I guess I had a pretty good reason for all of the above...except maybe the badly worn shoes.

At least that’s what people tell me.

My mom died about a month and a half back.

Bada Boom!

How’s that for a punch line?

Didn’t see that coming...did you?

Yeah, she died...even though we asked her not to.

But she was always one to ignore everyone else and just do what she pleased.

All kidding aside, which as you know is a little hard for me, it wasn’t a total shock or completely unexpected.

She was nearly 90 and had been in poor health for the last 3 and half years.

But the good thing is she was able to live at home, mostly ‘til the end, with assistance, which is how she wanted it, because she found keeping track of all those Bingo cards at the nursing home annoying.

Plus she enjoyed the retired circus folk I brought in at half the going home health care rate to help her out.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Tomorrow & Today





 
 
We never know what Tomorrow will bring.

Truth is, Tomorrow usually shows up empty handed.

Just plops itself down on the couch, turns on HBO and immediately starts catching up on past seasons of “Game of Thrones”. All this while Today finishes up with whatever misperceived havoc we believe it’s managed to create in our lives over the last 24.

Yet, we all worry about Tomorrow...much to Tomorrow’s amusement, which plays right into the hands of Today.

In fact, Today has come to count on us keeping one eye turned to Tomorrow, so it can get away with a lot more crap knowing we’re distracted wondering how we’re going to avoid more of the same Tomorrow.

And as Today completes its business, Tomorrow just continues dropping popcorn kernels in-between the couch cushions while exchanging correspondence with Yesterday who’s already off sunning itself in the Caribbean.

Truth is, though...Today isn’t really trying to annoy us, at all. Today is doing its best, leaving subtle little nuggets of treasure behind.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

May-Be...May-be-not....





Some call it the merry month of May.

May-be.

May-be-not....

You don’t hear “merry” used all that much anymore, though.

I mean other than the Christmas thing.

Folks don’t say, “I’m having a merry old day, today”.

Or they’re in a very merry mood.

No...for some reason “merry” has been shoved aside into the frivolous adjectival flotsam of colorful conversation.

Which is too bad because it seems a very merry, apropos description...especially for the month of May.

May-be.

May-be-not....

As months go, May is full of potential.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Storms...as storms go






Life doesn’t always go as we would like...winning Power Ball numbers, aside.

It’s not always one straight road or smooth sailing or clear skies ahead...or whatever travel related metaphor you’d like to employ.

It’s more of a bumpy mogul laden trail on the slopes.

Or stormy seas.

Or curvy unfamiliar terrain.

Most of the time....

Even before we get in our car, boat or airplane...let alone strap on our skis....

That’s just how it goes.

In fact, if we’d like to go through life without disappointment, then we should probably either stay in the basement or just plan on bumps as the natural course of things.

Maybe even look forward to the downs so we can enjoy the challenge of getting back to the ups.

Fleeting as they may be.

I mean, aside from my personal record of 1,500 straight paddleball whacks back in 1978—what can I say...I was on a roll—I haven’t had many ups that have lasted much past lunchtime.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Zombies Dig Spring





The Zombies across the street were out raking their lawn the other day—starting their spring cleanup—so I thought I’d amble over and see how they’ve been holding together...in more than the usual way you’d expect from the un-dead.

They lost Grandpa Zombie a while back and since they’re not used to losing people, or sort of people, or not-people...however you want to phrase it, they’ve been having trouble making sense of it all...if there’s any sense to be made when it comes to Zombies.

Let’s just say they have somewhat different attitudes when it comes to living their lives...or not living their lives...whatever the case might be.

Plus it was all kind of sudden.  One minute Grandpa Zombie was sitting out on the front stoop munching on some rotten apples—who, to be honest, had it coming—and the next, he was gone.

And it’s on the rare side to actually lose a Zombie.

Yeah, Gramps was up there...I mean way, way up there...but you usually don’t hear about this kind of thing.

Someone suggested he might’ve just shuffled off, down to the library and wasn’t lost at all.

I guess that’s possible. They found a Zombie big toe propping up the short leg on the periodicals table, and everyone knows Gramps was a big fan of Life Magazine—he enjoyed the pictures, especially of wildlife—but let’s face it, finding a Zombie big toe is not that unusual. They drop those things—and more—like the rest of us drop our keys...it could have belonged to any one of them.

So who knows?

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Down on That





 
I’m on a personal crusade against “That”.

I say...“Down with “That”.

Well, I don’t really say that very often...if at all.

But I’m saying it now

“Down with “That”.

And you can tell that I’m saying it and that I mean business because I’m using quotations.

And...I just used “That”...again...twice.

I use it a lot...that is.

That this, that that...that everything else.

You probably do too...use that...that is.

I do it without even knowing that I do....damn!

I noticed it when I went back and re-edited some of my old manuscripts...I use “that”...way more than that deserves to be employed.

In fact, in most cases, “that” isn’t necessary at all.

Unless it has its noun suit on.

Then “that” is okay.

That deserves a seat at the table.

Actually, the proper term is probably pronoun suit...but it didn’t sound quite as catchy.

Which is a whole other kettle of fish.

Which, technically, I shouldn’t be using to start a sentence, either.

Which...that is.

But, on a whole...and sometimes a half...I’ve pretty much disregarded the rules of grammar, ever since I stopped being tested on them.

As you can plainly see.

I pretty much write by ear...which looks weird, as well.

Plus I miss a lot of conversations.

Point being...I write the way I hear people talk...and, conversely, the way I talk.

So I guess I say “that”...a lot.

But now I see there’s really no reason for “that”.

Most sentences are cleaner without “that”.

I don’t need to know, “He said that it was....”

The fact he said “it was”, is enough.

I know “she traveled” a hard road...so adding “that she traveled” it, doesn’t make it any harder.

Anyway, now I’m trying to eliminate all the unnecessary “that’s”.

But I know that I won’t get them all....damn!

That is insidious that way.

Were in a rush, and that pops up.

Then we go back and we can’t help but see that.

And then that’s that....

Don’t even get me started on ellipses....you know....

When an em-dash would do—

Or is it en-dash—?

Who knows?

And Who’s not saying anything that we don’t already know about...this, that...or the other thing....

I use ellipses a lot too...along with that...probably to the annoyance of many—possibly you.

I guess it’s just a rhythm thing. It’s how I hear it in my head.

The pauses, the stumbles...the incorrect grammar—all for effect.

Or is it affect?

Nah...I’m pretty sure it’s effect?

Maybe—

In the end—which this is—it’s just about making some sort of sense out of your own gibberish.

As long I get it, I figure that you will too....

Arghhhhhhhhhhhh...!

______________________________________

Have you picked up my new book “The Kingdom of Keys”?
                                                
No....what's up with that???

Better hurry before they're ALL GONE...which is a lie because they'll never be all gone...never....

So why not buy one just to reward my forthrightness..ness...ness?

You might even enjoy it.


And spread the word...cuz nobody else is....

Just sayin....
 
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