The Freelance Retort: Two Zombies Walk into a Mall

Two Zombies walk into a mall.

The first Zombie says to the second Zombie… Arrrghumneeift”

To which the second Zombie, replies… “Mnmphruton!”

Which causes the first Zombie to spin in a circle and walk into a LensCrafter's where he hands his eyes over to the receptionist, who screams, which causes the second Zombie to convulse with something that might or might not resemble laughter.

Yeah…so if you can picture that, then you can pretty much figure out how the rest of my day went.

Unbeknownst to me, as I was driving the Zombie across the street to the mall, to go pick out a Valentine for his Mrs., he texted his Zombie friend, who works in the area, to meet us over by the Cinnabon.

Just what I needed…two Zombies…shopping with me at the mall.

Who knew Zombies could text…I mean, have you seen their thumbs…attached or no… have you seen their thumbs?

First thing—and this isn’t unusual—the mall cop pulls up on his little electric scooter thingie.

“Sir, are these Zombies with you?”

“Uhm…yes, well I mean one of them is with me, the other one just showed up.”

“That’s not unusual,” the mall cop says. “First there’s one Zombie, then two, then three…before you know it you’ve got a Zombie apocalypse on your hands.”

“Well, were just gonna run into a couple of stores to pick up a quick Valentine gift for…uhm, for one of their wives”

“Zombies have wives?”

“Sure….sometimes two or three, if that what it takes to put a whole one together.”

The mall cop just shook his head. “Brrrrrrrrr…Zombies just give me the creeps.”

“That’s not uncommon…at least until you get to know them.”

“Hey, you…get off of that vehicle!”

The second Zombie had jumped on the Mall Cop’s little scooter thingie and was pretending to be popping wheelies.

Not wanting to cause a scene, I grabbed my Zombie from across the street, who was thoroughly enjoying the show, and trudged off down the concourse, with a side stop at Spencer’s Gifts, because no Zombie can walk by a Spencer’s without going inside to check out the black light display.

Then, by the time we’re ready to slip out of there, the second Zombie rejoins us and starts staring wistfully into one of the lava lamps. It seems it reminded him of something; I wasn’t sure what…and to be honest I really didn’t want to know.

We would have been there the rest of the day if I didn’t do something to move things along, so I dragged my Zombie from across the street—literally—down to the Victoria Secret, which was having a Valentine’s Day, “Buy One get One Free”, sale.

Hey, I thought, maybe I can get away with a free V-Day gift for Z. She doesn’t need to know she’s wearing the same underwear as a Zombie…and I know the Zombie isn’t going to catch on.

So we walk in and are immediately greeted by a very young, very pretty saleslady, who doesn’t even flinch at the sight of a Zombie. She shoots a big smile our way and says, “How can I help you handsome gentlemen, today?”

Talk about sales training….

“Hi”, I say, working my best debonair, which is a little south of Sheldon’s on the “Big Bang.”

“We’re looking for a little Valentines something for my, ahem…friend’s wife…you know something to set the mood.”

I’m not completely sure, but I think the Zombie might have blushed and chuckled a little…but that could have just been more of his large intestine collapsing again.

“So what size, would we be looking for?” the sales lady asks, again with the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen.

I look over to the Zombie, trying to catch his eye…but it was already past me…so he just shrugs—again, I think it was a shrug.

“It’s hard to say.” I’m working my best smile now…“Her size changes from day to day…you know…depending on what’s available...you know, for parts.”

“Well, then!” the saleslady says, not missing a beat. “How about one of our Luxury Lady, soft plushy bathrobes…perfect for every size, shape and species!”

The Zombie is spinning in a circle now, which I decide to take as a sign of affirmation, so I say, ‘”Great…it’s still buy one get one free, though, right?”

“Absolutely…will that be cash or charge!”

I look over to the Zombie, who was suddenly nowhere to be found, and it immediately hits me…he doesn’t have any credit cards…or cash on him. What was I thinking?

So I reluctantly hand over my own. “Uhm…I guess you better just put it on my Visa.”

And then I see the other Zombie is back and they’re both outside the store, trying to cut the line at the Fro-Yo stand, across the way.

“What did I tell you about boundaries?” I shout.

“And make mine a Chocolate...with crunchies and nuts….”