Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Zombies Have Big Heads




Today is the dark of the moon, a day when it's said the veil between worlds is at its thinnest.  Secrets from the other side are revealed to all that are willing to see…except the secret recipes for Coke, KFC & McDonald’s special sauce.

Its also Halloween time and I have to tell you, the Zombies across the street have gotten big heads.

I mean what’s left of their heads. 

People are always taking shots at Zombie’s heads because they’re badly misunderstood.

Ever since the “Night of the Living Dead” came out in 1968 people assume that all Zombies are merely the undead walking aimlessly from town to town in search of human flesh.

 I mean there is some of that, but not to the extent that people think. They enjoy a nice vegetable dish with rice, from time to time, as well

So people see Zombies walking down the street and what do they do?  They remember that one silly line that stands out from all the rest. 


“Kill the brain…kill the ghoul”.

Anyway, they’ve gotten big heads because after a bit of a down period there’s a resurgence of Zombies in films and on TV; they’re practically everywhere you look, these days.

So I guess they’re entitled.

A couple of years ago it was the Vampires down the street who were doing all the howling.

Finally,” they said. “People are seeing we're more than just peaked hairlines, bad teeth and capes with red satin linings!”

And that’s true…the Vampire woman down the street is just another soccer mom who waves hello every morning as she flies by the house after a night of bloodletting. And once you get past the fangs she has quite a nice smile.

I was talking to her husband one day—I think he works on Wall Street—while he was outside washing his coffin. He was telling me how hard it used to be for your average, run of the mill Vampire to get around without causing a flap.  Now, he said, because of the recent popularity of all the Vampire books and movies, people at least recognize that Vampires have feelings, just like everyone else. Say something disparaging to a Vampire and their hearts bleed, with or without a stake through it, just like yours and mine. Sure, the bloods a different color, but it hurts just the same.

And now they have to deal with all the Zombies shuffling around like they’re the only ghouls in town.

To be honest, the Zombies across the street aren’t as friendly as the Vampires by half. They really don’t say a lot, and to be honest, they smell a little. I mean is there a rule or something that says a Zombie can’t take a bath once in awhile.

There’re 5 of them. A mom and a dad Zombie…I think, but with Zombies who can tell. 2 teenage Zombies, a boy and a girl…again, I think.  And I believe the mother-in-law/Grandma Zombie lives in the basement apartment. An illegal basement apartment, I should add, but who wants to get on the wrong side of the undead. 

I don’t even know any of the Zombies by name.  My friend’s daughter is in the same class with the girl Zombie, but she doesn’t know her name either. She says all she does is sit there all day, looking bored, playing with her hair…after it falls out on the floor.

Once, while they were out, I snuck over to check their mail. I figured I could peek at a cable bill or something and catch a name, but that was a dead end. All I found was junk mail addressed: To our Zombies at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Junk mail…no one’s immune.

So I continue to wave and say hello as they mow their lawn and walk they’re Zombie dog. Hey, just because they’re rude doesn’t mean I have to sink to their level.

I mean I kind of get where they’re coming from. If people were constantly criticizing and taking shots at my head all the time, I would be a little standoffish too.

Besides, they’re good to all the kids on Halloween who really get a kick out of them.  They’ll slump there all night long, handing out all sorts of treats as long as the kids keep coming. Sure, sometimes a wayward finger and in rare instances a hand snaps off and causes a bit of a stir, but hey, they’re Zombies…get over it.

So I say, let the Zombies have their night in the moon. These things run in cycles; before we know it the werewolves will be back in vogue. 

If it were you or me we’d be holding our heads high too.

Just not in our hands….





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