Sunday, August 31, 2014

Shoreline Revelations






Well, Labor Day has snuck back into town—a little prematurely,
this year, if you ask me—so before it’s too late, I thought I’d sneak one more beach story in while you can still smell the Coppertone.

Z and I were down on the Jersey Shore a few weeks ago for our annual pilgrimage to renew our…tans.

What?  You thought I was going to say something profound like: renew our spirits or our souls.

Well, yeah…that too. But any dyed in the sand beach person knows that comes standard, along with the shells and the dolphins, and everything else shore related.

And if you’re not a beach person, or have an aversion to rolling waves, sun, sand and a general sense of well-being…then please, just stay where you are and read no further. I wouldn’t want to sway your digitized soul with idyllic sunset allusions and mystical references to whales and pelicans, or take your nose out of your smart phone.

Besides, the line at the pancake house is already way
too long, even on weekdays….

The thing about a beach vacation, aside from the 3 pounds of sand you discover in the lining of your bathing suit when you get home, is that you discover a new revelation every year.

Perhaps a unique, personal insight about love and life, borne from the flotsam washed up and over your beach blanket as you sit way to close to the ocean’s edge, even after your spouse warns you, the tide is still coming in.

Or the correlation between clear morning sunrises and the line to buy cold cuts at the Acme.  Nah…I’m just kidding. There’s no correlation there…there’s always a line to buy cold cuts at the Acme.

No, the real revelation comes when you finally get to place your order at your favorite ice cream joint of choice, only to find they’ve discontinued that Bubble Gum Pineapple Pistachio nut flavor soft serve that you couldn’t get enough of the last three sum
mers.

But hey, that all part of the beach experience; the shore line is constantly evolving, so why not the flavor of the week?

This year, the thing that resonated most with me, was the idea that spending a week at the shore…any shore…is like spending a week lost in time.

Really, except for the ice cream, not much changes from decade to decade.

Oh sure, store fronts come and go, and super storms wash away iconic beach shacks from time to  time, but the spirit of the place, the faces and the smiles are constant from year to year…even after nature takes its best shot.

Drive anywhere on the main drag and you’ll find pairs of young boys, towels in tow, standing on the corner, laughing and shoving, just feet from the beach; wet, sun whipped, garbed in droopy bathing suits that could have been bought any time, from the 40’s to today. 

Little girls in ageless sunhats and colorful cover-ups, riding on dad’s shoulders; turned out himself like his dad, granddad and great granddad before him. All of them there, together…in spirit if not form.

Mom’s sporting large, round sunglasses, flopping in universal flips, dragging beach wagons behind, filled with tubes and balls…shovels and buckets soon to be packed with castle making, dragon dreams.

Eyes sparkling, anticipation building…onward and over the dunes, to the beach, dotted with   unchanged, unending umbrellas, spreading to the sea.

Simple, timeless, free and freeing.

Another week at the beach…revealing the past, the present and future in a single glance, on a single street corner…just feet from a timeless shore.

Can’t wait to find what next year brings….


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Thursday, August 28, 2014

Summer Archive of Retort - 5/30/12

Narcissistic Nitwit



 
 
I find the best thing about being a Narcissistic Nitwit is:
A: you don’t mind being a Narcissistic Nitwit, and B: you eventually come to think that being a Narcissistic Nitwit is the greatest thing in the world…if you hadn’t already…which you probably had.


From 5/30/12:

Narcissistic Nitwit





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Sunday, August 24, 2014

The Sunday Archive of Retort - 7/11/12

Surveillance is Fun





These days there are cameras everywhere.
I mean besides the ones Z had installed in the house so she can keep an eye on me.
 
 
From 7/11/12:

Surveillance is Fun (click click)

 

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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Summer Archive of Retort - 7/20/12

 Smart Dog

 





It's officially the dog days of August...the time when we start to wonder where the summer went and why all our shorts have shrunk 2 sizes around the waist. 

 Dog Days...maybe it's not such a bad thing . Is your dog worrying about Labor Day lurking right around the corner?


Nope...not if it's a Smart Dog


From 7/20/12:

Smart Dog (click click)

 


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Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Sunday Archive of Retort - 8/15/12

Stared Senseless 




It's normal to stare at people from time to time.
We all do it...for no reason. And hopefully they don't stare back....




From 8/15/12

Stared Senseless (click click)



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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Jul-august Rescinded





 
 
 
Jul-august has been rescinded

Yeah…

So if you have plans in August, you’d better get to them.

If you haven’t already missed them.

Sorry….

My bad.

Apparently I didn’t have the proper paperwork in place to create a new time continuum.

Apparently I filled out the paperwork for  creating a new space continuum, which means I can now fit all my sweater vests on the closet shelf…but not add on to the already established Gregorian calendar to delay wearing those sweaters…even for a couple of weeks.

Apparently it annoys Gregor.

The Putz…

So these two guys in suits show up at my door the other morning, asking for me.

Naturally, I did what you’d expect anyone in a similar position to do.

I sent them across the street to the Zombie’s.

Which really didn’t fool them.

Not much past lunch, anyway, when the Zombies gave me up.

Zombie Putz’s

When they returned—Zombie bag in hand—the two guys in suits told me not to be too hard on the Zombies because they discerned  right away, none of them were me.

They said the Zombies were much better dressers than what they were told to expect.

Which annoyed me because, let’s face it, the Zombies pretty much just throw on any old thing they find lying around in the morning, nor matter who or what is wearing it.

Anyway, they told me I was in violation of Universal Law 43-56.733-2…which was a relief because I was a little concerned they were going to try and saddle me with Universal Law 43-56.733-4…which is a whole other kettle of fish…

And if there’s one thing I don’t need right now is more fish…to fry or otherwise.

Know what I’m saying?

Really?

Now that is odd….

Bottom line is, I have to rescind Jul-august, recall all the amended calendars, and put everything back in time the way I found it.   

So anything you may have been doing over the last 10 days…didn’t happen.

And that Jury Duty notification you received that said you must report on August 4th…sorry about that.

Also, it’s probably best to move out of that summer beach cottage you thought was open for the last 2 weeks…it wasn’t….it isn’t.

So those annoying people who were sleeping in your bed when you arrived were right.

Don’t worry… the police will understand the mix-up.

Plus, I’m pretty sure that deposit was refundable…maybe.

And if your mortgage payment was due on the 1st  and you missed it…the banks are pretty cool about that kind of thing…for the most part.

No harm no foul…for the most part.

And if you’re upset about all of this, you can imagine how I feel….

Nah… I’m kinda sure you can’t.

Truth is it doesn’t affect me all that much.

I’m pretty much in the dark as to what day of the week it is most months…imaginary or not.

The only real down side for me is it gives me less time to annoy people.

So it’s back to business as usual for everyone. Re-adjust your internal calendars and turn the clock ahead…way ahead…like 12 days ahead.

It’s August 12th —unless it’s later—and it’s back to business as usual…whatever that may be.

Get your noses out of the roses and back on the grind stone.

You’ve got a lot of lost time to make up.

I know I do….

Nah…not really….
 
Now where is that lost shaker of salt...?
 

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Friday, August 1, 2014

Jul-august Arrives





 
 
 
 
In some circles, the calendar just flipped over to August.

But not my circle. 

Nu-uh….I’m not ready to let go of July…not yet…not entirely.

So I’m declaring the period from now until further notice to be…Jul-august.

Kind of like Gelato…only better, without all that messy fruit.

Sort of like ice cream….but not really.…

So it’s Jul-august….officially.

Because I said so.

And the beauty of it is, I can pretty much make a reservation for just about anything I want, just about anywhere I want to go…because, who else thought to book anything for Jul-august.

Want a primo room on the beach at your favorite shore spot…?

Bingo...it’s yours.

Want a great table by the window at that impossible to get into Riverview steak house…?

Pow…you’re in.

And if someone misguidedly shows up to claim the August 1st reservation they made with that little Gnome guy, 6 months ago…you show them one of the fancy new calendars I just had printed up.

What…you though I’d be unprepared? 

“Sorry…August 1st isn’t for another week…maybe two.”

What can they say?

It’s right there on paper.

And if you need to, which I doubt you will…you can just direct them to The Freelance Retort and this story.

What more explanation would they need?

The other good thing is it gives all your friends—the ones who are always saying they’re so disappointed they didn’t have enough time in July to throw that pig roast, and now August is pretty much filled up, as well—plenty of time to catch that pig and throw something together.

I mean who amongst you has already made plans for Jul-august?

Nobody…that’s who.

Well, except me. I’ve already booked my colonoscopy for Jul-august 13, which I can’t wait to get to, you know…once they figure out which proctologist is scheduled to work that day.

Hey…if they cancel they cancel. At least I tried.

Unfortunately, it’s not all smooth sailing, this Jul-august transition thing.

One problem with Jul-august is, since it’s new, the weather prognosticators don’t really know what kind of weather they should get wrong.

Should they say it’s gonna be rainy so you’ll re-arrange all your outdoor plans, only to  have it turn out sunny…or vice versa.

Or should they just say to expect typical Jul-august weather in the days ahead, and leave it at that.…

After all…Jul-august can be pretty unpredictable, especially since I just made it up.

So that’s another way to go.

Of course, all the catalogue companies will be in a bind, as well.

“Can you believe that JJ Potterbean is sending out their Fall Preview catalogue, already, and we haven’t even gotten through half of Jul-august…?’

Annoying, right?

Or what about all those unsettling Back to School ads?

“Can we at least enjoy Jul-august before we have to start thinking about school?”

So to all of you worrying about summer slip sliding away…before you reach your indigestion… relax…it’s only Jul-august and you’re not at all slip sliding away….

Or something like that….

What do I know…other than it’s Jul-august.

Go out and enjoy the season…there’s nothing else to do.

Do you really think your boss scheduled any meetings or projects for Jul-august?

Ahhhhh…now you’re getting it…..

And everybody knows the fish are biting in Jul-august…or, if you prefer….they’re not….

But if this whole messing with the seasons thing makes you uncomfortable...just wait until Aug-tember...now that's a time of year worth waiting for....
 
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