Sunday, March 26, 2017

Perfect for a Rainy Day



Looking for just the right thing to while away a rainy day?


Well, first I’d look into an umbrella. Then, pick up a copy of my new book of Freelance Retorts and chuckle a little while you’re waiting for your socks to dry...because umbrellas do pretty much nothing for wet feet.


Plus, I need the validation....


Just sayin....





Anyway, buy the book...a guaranteed page turner, since that’s the only way to read the whole thing.


Again...just sayin....





Friday, March 24, 2017

Lying in “Truth”







Everyone wants the “truth”.

Why wouldn’t you?

I mean who wants a lie?

Unless you’re asking someone if your pants look okay.

Or if they can tell you had the garlic linguini for lunch?

Some people say the “truth” is relative.

That your “truth” is as valid as my “truth”...just different.

And then they run for public office.

I don’t know...and that is the “truth”.

I don’t think the “truth” is relative.

No matter how many “quote” marks you “wrap” around it.

I think the “truth” is the “truth”.

And everyone knows it’s the “truth”, but maybe don’t really want to admit it.

Or don’t want you to admit it...or know it.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Snow Way...a Snow Day!









We’re in the middle of a Nor’easter here in the Nor ‘east.

Which seems to make sense.

It’s also been classified as a Blizzard...or potential Blizzard, providing it meets specific criteria, set up, I guess, by the Blizzard association or bureau or something.

I’m not going to get into what that criteria is, because, one...I don’t want to bore you...and two...I have no idea what that criteria is, and I’m not about to go find out.

But I think it has something to do with a lot of snow and wind.

I’m not sure if this particular nor’easter is measuring up, at least where I sit, despite all the dire predictions, but it’s enough to render one house bound and be a disruption to one's normal routine.



Whereas, I would, on a typical winter’s day, sit inside staring at my computer, Googling shocking facts I never knew about “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir” all day...today, I’m relegated to siting inside staring at my computer, Googling shocking facts I never knew about “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir”—the TV show, not the movie—while Z, who wasn’t able to get to work, even though I offered to worry...a lot...until she arrived safely...runs around the house cleaning and rearranging “everything” in sight and out of sight, some stuff I didn’t even know we owned.

Yeah...so annoying, right?

And don’t get me started on all those distracting aromas of fresh baked Irish Bread...and brownies...and chocolate chip cookies...and maybe some hot chocolate and popcorn coming from the kitchen.

Maybe....

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Retorts Unraveled


https://www.amazon.com/Zombies-Have-Big-Heads-observations/dp/0998733903/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KAYM5EVDMMHNBSY3MR94

I finally got around to assembling my first collection of Retorts in book form and—wait for it—it’s available today on Amazon and, or, whatever other online bookseller you prefer.

It’s called:








Just like it says on the cover.

How did I come to choose this particular title, you ask?

Well, I was going back and forth, debating what to call it, wondering if the non-Zombie contingent might be turned off, thinking it was some kind of blood and gore horror story, which it isn’t...obviously...and if I wouldn’t be better served to go with something less ghoul specific.

But, in the end, the un-dead crowd has always been good to me so I stuck with my gut and ran with it...something the Zombies have been trying to do with my internal organs for years.

Besides, I’d already let slip what I’d been planning, so I didn’t want to risk any hard feelings; because Zombies can get a little unreasonable when their feelings are hurt and tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves...or somebody’s heart...or sleeve.

Of course, now, all the Zombie enthusiasts are going to be disappointed when they find out it’s really not a Zombie book at all...just a book of odd stories that happens to have some Zombies in it, from time to time.

But what doesn’t these days?

So, who knows?

Obviously not me.

As usual....

I’m not sure when I first thought it would be a good idea to publish a book of past Retorts.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Shhhhhhhhhh....

I’m officially launching my new collection of favorite Retorts—“The Zombies Have Big Heads”— tomorrow. But you can be the first on your block to get it, by ordering on Amazon, today.

Shhhhhhh...don’t tell anyone. We don’t want to overwhelm the servers, but I thought you deserved to know.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

https://www.amazon.com/Zombies-Have-Big-Heads-observations/dp/0998733903/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_4?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=9BCQ7RXF1YCY42FGC06D


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Turn Turn Turn....







By March end, I’ll be turning 63.

Wow...that sounds weird.

I mean, besides the odd, crooked number, “turning” seems to indicate at some point I’ll undergo some sort of magical transformation.

As if a circle of starlight will surround and infuse my being with 63-ness.

Wisdom of 63 will fill my head and another slice of the unknown will suddenly become known.

Such as, why Instagram is essential to the health of my social media profile.

And the revelation that Lady Gaga and Pink are really the same person.

I don’t know.

We all make such a big deal about age...especially when we have a bit of it on us.

But isn’t that a good thing?

According to today’s quote from my pal Shinkei, “One cannot be certain of living even into the evening....”

But if you eat Big Macs every day, you probably already knew that.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Idiomatic of Nothing







Last time...yeah, way back then...I tried to do February a solid by talking up its good points.

Yeah...right?

Then, the next day, February dumped about 6 inches of snow.

And then, as if that weren’t enough, another 3 or so a couple of days later.

So I can only surmise, February likes its bad boy—or girl...who can tell with months—image.

But then it decided to change course, again, and throw a little springtime our way...with a little subfreezing temps mixed in—here and  there...there and here— just to keep us on our toes.

Which I’ve always found to be an odd reaction...but there it is.

A bunch of people walking around on their toes.

Not that I’m complaining.

Well, I mean, yeah...I am complaining...but I’m supposed to say I’m not.

Not sure why.

All in all, I find the toe walking entertaining.

Plus it saves on shoe leather...or rubber.

Which goes hand in hand with my next proclamation.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Feeling February











I’ve never been a February fan.

I guess a lot of people feel that way.

February mostly feels like a whole bunch of dreary "without ends".

February mostly feels like waiting in line at the DMV to find out what other line you’re supposed to be standing in.

February mostly feels like sitting through the popcorn and Twizzlers commercials at the multiplex, 20 minutes after the movie was scheduled to begin.  

February mostly feels like waiting for a table at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like waiting for your waitress to take your order at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.
February mostly feels like waiting for your food to arrive at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like waiting for your table to be cleared at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like waiting for your bill at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like wondering why you ever went to Applebee’s on a Saturday night...or at all.

But that was before my new positive outlook on all things dreary.

My realization that there’s something good to be found in all things...even dreary things...even Applebee’s.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Who’s Bright Idea?







I guess we all saw this coming.

Or should have.

The confusion, the chaos...the heavy handed, tyrannical government intrusion into everything we hold near and dear.

The upheaval of the status quo.

Basic rights, ethics, morality and just plain common sense and decency thrown to the wolves.

Is this the kind of thing we want to see our government involved in?

Really?

Messing with our light bulbs?

What...?

Why the big gasp?

Am I missing something?

Is there something more important than the light bulb outrage going on?

If there is, no one told me about it and I’ve been way too busy trying to get to the bottom of this lighting issue to watch the news or read a newspaper....

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Click Baiting Bathos







I'm moving at a snail’s pace, again...already...here in the "New Year".

Which, for some reason, spell check demands I capitalize, as if "New Year" were a proper name or something.

Spellcheck...so annoying.

So distracting....

But, I like to mess with it once in awhile and add words to the dictionary that I porposley misspell.

You gotta do these things from time to time...or else the AI wins.

That’s right AI, which doesn’t stand for Arnie Ingersoll, my old grade school nemesis.

That’s right Arnie...I’m talking about you.

Ingersoll...!

Sorry, my impulse control’s acting up again.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Take “It” as “It” Comes









Sorry for falling off the blog map...again.

I’ve been involved with some big deal “grown up” issues the last couple of weeks so, of course, I’ve been curled in a ball, with a blanket over my head, hiding in the basement.

Where I’d still be if I hadn’t dropped that box of frozen ravioli, which alerted my neighbor who told me to go home and curl up in my own basement...and get over it.

People are always telling me to get over it.

“Relax...just take it as it comes.”

Really...they are.

Oh, wait...someone just shouted it through my window.

So weird, this neighborhood.

But I suppose it’s good advice, nonetheless, no matter what window it comes through.

Problem is: I’m not very good at taking other people’s advice, let alone taking “it” as “it” comes”.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

FREE Time Almost NO time....


1/8/2016

The promotion for a free download of The Little Red Christmas ball has ended. Thanks to all who took advantage of the opportunity and now have your own copy snuggled onto your personal reading device of choice. I hope you enjoyed The Little Red Christmas Ball's story and pick up a copy of the paperback to hold on...shine bright and share with your family for years to come....

********************************************





Just a few hours left to download your FREE digital version of The Little Red Christmas Ball before we wrap the little guy up and pack him away until next year ! 

If you've already taken advantage of this great, FREE E-book offer, I hope you enjoyed The Little Red Christmas Ball's story and pick up a copy of the paperback to hold on...shine bright and share with your family for years to come....

Right now we're sitting on lucky #13 on the Top 100 FREE e-book, yada yada yada...Christmas books, so let's see if we can upend that Dickens fellow, who's sitting so smugly at #2.

I mean, come on Charlie...not even #1? After all these years!











And don't forget

“The Kingdom of Keys”


also available at Amazon



















Wednesday, January 4, 2017

A Better New Year – Disagree to Agree









Here we are...

A new day, a new week a new year...all rolled into one.

I guess.

Kind of like a great big meatball.

Except with artificial units of time rather than meat.

Which, to be honest, as a matter of course, you probably want to avoid any hint of artificiality in most things, especially meat.

So now, everyone feels as if they get a great big re-do...a fresh start.

You know, because of all the new artificial units of time lying ahead.

Which has nothing to do with meatballs, except they too are better if fresh.

Yeah...not much has changed.

Pointless silliness is still pointless silliness no matter what day, week or year it is.

For instance, I’m going to try, in this new artificial unit of time, avoiding people that disagree with me.

Makes sense right?

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Happy New Year...imagine that....



Time to tear off a whole new set of pages....


Make all your dreams come true...imagine that....


Happy New Year, Retorters!