Saturday, December 30, 2017

See ya Next Year!

You’ve probably heard it a lot this week.

Probably said it, yourself...more than once.

“See ya next year!”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah.....

So clever....

We wait all year to say know, because it’s so clever....

And if we happen to run into the same people again, before the New Year...we’ll say it again...just because we can!

“See ya next year!”

And of course the variation...”Talk to ya next year”...which is different, but subtle.

So much fun....

Makes the whole weird week “in-between” Christmas and New Years worth all the weirdness.

Weird because you’re never really sure what day it is, depending on when you went back to work.

Is it Wednesday or is it Tuesday...or possibly Monday?

And if you didn’t go back to work, or you’re a writer and your work consists of a lot of sitting around staring out the window, anyway, you’re still thrown by how even more boring this “in-between week” is than all the other weeks.

Plus, all the other lost faces staring out my neighbor’s windows is a bit jarring, because, usually, when I stare out the window, no one stares back...let alone waves.

Friday, December 22, 2017

Holly Jolly - One Looooooong Night

Boy...was last night a loooooooong night or what?

Like the longest night of the year, long.

Not sure why.

Maybe because I was reading through the new tax bill, looking for my name on the list of new Christmas tax cut recipients.

But I couldn’t find it, so I finally gave up.  But I’m sure it’s in there somewhere.

They don’t lie about that kind of thing.

Mostly because Santa will get mad and not bring any presents if you lie.

So it was a loooooong night.

Winter Solstice has arrived and with it the sun now begins its loooooooong climb back to summer....eventually, after enjoying the holidays, like all the other celestial bodies.

Everything shuts down for Christmas...even the sun.

And climb it will, up, up, up...until, in just a few short weeks, we’ll be saying...
“Hey, it’s after 5 and it’s still light out!”
Mostly because we are a boring people...or maybe that’s just me.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Holly Jolly – Same Old Song

I sing this same old song, every year, right about this time; Holly Jolly Christmas time.

And believe me, the neighbors aren’t all that pleased; especially since I never got around to unsticking that open bathroom window.

I can't seem to nail the chorus, at least in tune, or at least something that resembles tune.

But since the rest of the song is performed in the key of “unknown origins”, no one seems to notice.

In any case, none of that really matter since I’m speaking metaphorically, which I tend to do, at least until I finish my second cup of coffee. After that, I pretty much just speak nonsense.

So I better get on with it, since I’ve already finished my first cup.

No, the metaphorical song I’m talking about is how quickly the Holidays seem to sneak up on us every year...after year...after year.

No sooner do we toss the tree to the curb are we back out in the woods hunting down a new one.

No sooner have we tangled up the lights before boxing them away are we pulling them out and untangling them, again, along with a holly jolly holiday curse or two.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Shine Bright - Hold Tight!

Thanks to everyone who's already picked up a copy of "The Little Red Christmas Ball"! 

I'm happy to say, a lot of folks have taken to it's fun Christmassy message and shared it with family and friends.

Join the adventure and “The Little Red Christmas Ball” will shine bright and hold tight as your family’s new holiday tradition, this year...and every year to come...

Thanks, again....

Friday, December 8, 2017

Holly Jolly-Under the Weather

I’ve been a little under the weather, which is kind of a strange concept. 

I mean aren’t we all under the weather...all the time?

Unless you’re in a plane....or standing on a mountain, looking down into a stormy valley.

So just forget I mentioned anything about the weather, since it makes no sense, as weather seldom does

Did I mention I’ve been under the weather?

Which might account for some of the delirious references.

I mean the “more than usual” delirious references.

Yeah...nothing serious; just something a kid could deal with.

So I’ll be fine...once all the W’s on the keyboard stop looking like baby chickens.

I’ll fill in the details, sometime down the road...which is another strange concept, because I’d rather just tell you from here, rather than travel some undetermined distance down the road.

Seems silly.

Good news is: the angry townsfolk have given up carrying torches along with their pitchforks as they march on my house every night demanding I be thrown into the street, tied to a rail and banished forever...possibly to North Jersey.

Friday, November 24, 2017

You're Welcome

You're burning Up with Black Friday Fever!

You've already bought up the entire internet and are already going into withdrawal.


We anticipated this and thoughtfully set aside a limited number of the great new Christmas tradition, perfect for your whole family - "The Little Red Christmas Ball" - just to help you, in this, your desperate hour of need....

So why not give yourself a break and pick up your copy today....

You're Welcome

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Thanksgiving - Then & and then...

Holidays tend to flip the nostalgia switch in us all.

Something about holding a greasy turkey leg in one hand while scooping mashed potatoes, turnips, stuffing and a side of cranberry down our gullets with the other, stirs the way back machine with thoughts of better days.

Probably a form of hypoxia triggered by a blocked airway due to all that food jammed down our collective throats, at once.

Someone will undoubtedly bring up the time Grandma dropped the string beans down Aunt Millie's  "much too low cut" dress or when Uncle Ted chased the dog around the living room trying to rescue what was left of the pumpkin pie.

It’s also usually around this time when someone at the table starts talking about how much better things were back “then” compared to how much worse things are “now”.

How when we were kids a feast like Thanksgiving was anxiously awaited with great excitement and appreciated by all, not only for the abundance of food it brought to the table, but also the opportunity to reconvene with family and friends.

How, now, Thanksgiving is just a rehearsal for Christmas, where a lot of folks would rather ski or shop than spend the day making memories. These days, Thanksgiving doesn’t even rate a holiday commercial, much less a song. Christmas takes over the second Halloween porch lights are snuffed.

And then the talk about how when we were kids, we didn’t have (fill in whatever form of modern technology you’d like) begins.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Over Adaption’s cold.
Winter is finally here...sort of.

I mean, there’s still 6 weeks and change before winter is "officially" here.

I know, I did the research...just to impress all of you naysayers who are pretty sure, I usually don’t.

And you’d be usually right...but this time I did.

I’m adapting, because the last thing I want is to be accused of “Fake Blogging”.

Which of course I do...on a regular basis...I just don’t want to be accused of it.

Bada Boom....

Yeah, okay. I know....

I’ve use that particular “hi-larious” set up more than a few times, in the past.

But it’s been a while and I’m hoping most of you don’t pay attention to that kind of thing, let alone any of this stuff, at all.

Or you’ve just adapted to “I guess this is the most we can hope for, from this guy?” and let it slide.

So thanks for your under enthusiasm...I’ve adapted to that, myself.

Speaking of adaption, which you should know we were—even if you aren’t paying all that much attention—since I’ve mentioned it now in some form or another, five times, plus it’s in the title.

So...speaking of adaption—six—and getting back to the point I was originally making—I think—winter is finally here...sort of.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Pretty Smart

If you’re pretty smart you probably don’t even know it.

You’re just smart, all the time; always were...always will be.

It’s just your normal.

So why would it even occur to you to be anything other than that.

You wouldn’t walk around telling people how smart you are.

No more so than you would tell them how proficient you are at putting on your pants.

Although I have developed a pretty neat technique that reduces the number of times I have to turn my waist band around in a week.

Just sayin....

However, if you have your doubts, or if you think others have their doubts, no matter how convinced you are about you own “smartness”, you might be prone to reminding others just how smart you really are.

Which is just matter how smart it seems to you.

And this kind of self-absorbed crowing doesn’t only apply to “smart”, it applies to just about every positive quality you believe you possess. 

If you gotta say it, chances are it ain’t happening.

Except in your own head, where it most likely belongs.

Oh, might have a suspicion you can do certain things fairly well, fairly easily.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

It’s know?

Today is Halloween, which is something you probably already know.

But I’m good at that...telling you stuff you already know.

It’s a good way to get people to agree with you...maybe even like you a little bit.

I might pass someone out on the walking trail, later, and say, “Great weather, today, huh?”

To which they’ll probably reply, “Great weather all fall!”

And despite the fact they’re a little “one-upping” me, it still makes me feel good—“one-upping”, notwithstanding—makes them feel good—“one-upping” being a plus—and everyone goes on their way, feeling good...unless a stray shower or dog suddenly pops up, then all bets are off the table.

But you probably already know that too.

Doesn’t that make you feel good?

You’re welcome.

So, as I is Halloween, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention it.

So I just did....

And isn’t the weather just great?

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Retortalarity Revisited

You might be wondering:

What the heck happened to “The Freelance Retort”, this summer. 

It’s gotten so much better!

Which is mostly because there hasn’t been any Freelance Retort since the end of June.

So there’s that....

But, in all likelihood, you’re probably just wondering what you should have for breakfast this morning...or lunch...or dinner...or your mid-morning/afternoon snack.

Which is what I’m doing.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Hometown Holiday Memories on the 4th of July

It’s time to strike up the band and fire up the grill!

Yep, it doesn’t seem possible but Fourth of July weekend is already upon us.

Just a month ago it was Memorial day sneaking back into town as we were busy putting our winter coats away and digging out the air conditioners during that little May heat wave we suffered through...then...turning around and dragging all those winter coats back down—again—and pulling those same air conditioners out of the windows—again—while we fired up our boilers with temps dropping back into the 40s.

 Ahhhh...May...ahhhh June.

So confusing

But such is the way of springtime, and now summer, here in my hometown and, I suppose, the rest of the northeast...but who cares about them.

Which is the nice thing about small town living,

Despite all the division, noise and hub bub spinning out of control in the real world, we small towners have an opportunity to step back, from time to time, and put all the insanity aside, if just for a weekend...and, even better, a holiday weekend.

And the holidays are what make small town living special; are what brings neighbors together.

It’s difficult to dwell on the negative—even though just saying the word “dwell” has such a nice ring to it—while watching lines of happy kids in scout uniforms marching down the Avenue in formation...or something that resembles a formation.

It all depends on whether the kid carrying the flag gets distracted.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Oh, the Drama....

Some people love the drama.

They claim not to, but they do.

We all know them, these “Drama Peeps”.

There’s not an incident too small or insignificant that can’t be turned into some sort of personal trial.

“My shoe lace came untied just as I was on the corner, crossing the street, and that horrible countdown clock began clicking off the seconds, so I had to run across with only one tied shoelace, all the while worrying over the untied one, flapping all around as a tripping hazard. I could very easily have gotten run over by a bus.  It was awful!”

To which you might reply...

“Maybe you should look into Velcro.”

To which they’d reply, because Drama Peeps, never listen to what you have to say....

“Then...on top of all that what do I find on the bottom of my shoe....some sort of disgusting green gum, which I’m sure was packed full of horrible diseases!”

To which you might again reply...

“Did you say green gum...and what corner was this exactly?”

“Now I’m going to have to throw these perfectly good shoes away, and they’re only 6 years old...possibly 7...maybe eight.”

“Was it spearmint or something fruity?”

And on and on it goes.

It’s as if the “Drama Peeps” need the drama in order to justify their being; adding some measure of import to their day to day activities.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

The Perfect Imperfect Gift

Looking for the perfect dad day gift for the dad who has everything?

Well, then what are you doing here, messing around on-line???

But if you're looking for the perfect imperfect gift for the dad, who I'm pretty sure doesn't have this...give him a copy of "the Zombies Have Big Heads"...which is guaranteed to leave him scratching his own head...which is always fun...except at the dinner table, because it tends to be a little unappetizing....

And while you're at it, why not pick up a copy for a friend? It's a great way to introduce them to "The Freelance Retort"! 

I mean, why should you be the only one to suffer...?

Now only $7.99 Print - $3.99 Digital or $8.98 for both

A guaranteed page turner, since that’s the only way to read the whole thing.

Just sayin....

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Hidden Compartments

The thing that fails us most in youth is to realize... everyone was once young, too.

In fact, the old are no different than the young; they just keep their youth tucked away in hidden compartments only they can understand.

Toddler, pre-teen, teen, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 100 and beyond.

Every moment, every minute, every day, week and year.

Every memory, every emotion...stamped, catalogued and stored away in each of these sacred spaces.

Yeah...okay. Maybe “sacred” seems a bit over the top, melodramatic.

Perhaps, even schmaltzy.

But I think it applies, here.

What else would you call the place where the particles of your history are stored?

Youth awaits us, early on, with self-centered confidence; a world of days much too vast to contemplate.

All ours to use; never to lose.

Blowing by with endless energy and dreams.

Building, building...ever building, towards whatever we might imagine.

And before us, if we should stop to see, the old step carefully through the receding tide, stoop to pick a shell, simply admiring its miraculous twists and turns.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Who Likes “Look”?

I’ve noticed a lot of people like to say “Look”, these days....especially when the last thing they really want you to do is, you know... “Look”.

“Look”...we’ve been saying all along, yada yada yada....

“Look”...there’s absolutely nothing inconsistent with the facts...they’re the same as the ones we’ve been making up from the beginning...yada yada yada....

“Look”...I can’t emphasize enough the idea that if I smirk and say “Look” you can’t help but see just how serious I am about wanting you to believe this stuff...yada yada yada....

It’s kind of a thing.

“Look” if you can’t see that then maybe you don’t want to see it.

“Look”... am I wasting my breath, here.

“Look”...It’s all just part of the new way of saying something while you’re really saying nothing.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Growing Up in the “Now”

We all use various forms of the phrase “Growing up”.

When I was growing up....

You’re all grown up....

When I grow up....

Will you ever grow up...?

Which I get a lot.

But can we really say anyone ever really grows up?

I mean, sure, in a physical sense we get bigger and to leap tall buildings in a single bound...yet, aren’t we always growing up, no matter what age we fall on the actuarial table?

Growing up into what we’re meant to grow up into.

Even if it’s just a guy who hangs out in the park picking lint from his belly button.

Or worse, someone else’s belly button.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

New 5 star review on Amazon for the Zombies!

     "...Moloney's quick wit and amazing way with words is prominent throughout the book. It's broken up into little stories, which is nice, but I found myself reading story after story and not wanting to put it down! It's an insightful, humorous, feel good book, which we could all use more of! Bravo Brian, for another great read!"

Thanks, Dream Reader! Appreciate the nice words.

The Zombies say they can use a few more reviews...cuz, you know...Zombies are never satisfied...nor subtle....

Click Here to Order

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Kitchen Updates Upcoming

A while back, Z mentioned in passing, she thought it was time to update our kitchen.

Great, I thought. We could use a new toaster. My English muffins have been popping out a little too crispy lately.

And the dish drainer could use an update.

Let’s face it, avocado green had a good run, but has seen its day.

So why not?

Then I was informed, Z was thinking a little more “radical” in her way of “updates”.

Hmmmmm...I thought.

If it’s possible to think hmmmmm.

I’m not sure it is.

But that’s neither here nor there...which isn’t unusual.

Hmmmm...”radical” sounds a little ominous.

Is she talking about trashing our old garbage pail; the fancy one with the automatic lid opener—if you count stepping on a peddle to open it, “automatic”?

I guess we could use a new one, though, since it hasn’t actually opened “automatically”, peddle or no, in, let’s say, awhile.

I suppose I’ll still have all those crazy garbage pail memories to hold onto.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Shiny New Things

Every once and awhile, after I disappear into an extended brain fog and cease contributing to the world at large...or e-mail distributer will take matters into its own hands and arbitrarily send out a past retort, just to wake me up.

So that’s why, if you’re a subscriber, you may have received something about Christmas and cars, a while back.

Sorry...but I take no responsibility for my artificial intelligence. I have enough trouble managing my actual intelligence, or lack thereof

However, I guess this AI knew what it was doing, since here I am...unintelligently intact...but still lackadaisical and indifferent to all things retorting.

And since the topic of said past retort was cars...and I just bought a new car, I suppose I have to pay least a little.

I have to admit, lately, the universe seems to be dangling many shiny new things, in addition to cars, in my direction, so my personal distraction quotient is way over the top.

Not that I ever had a lot of luck with focus in the past.

I think it has something to do with mixing up my contact lenses.

The thought of sitting quietly in front of a computer screen, pecking out one inanity after another for a reason I have yet to figure out has been more often than not pushed aside by my propensity for counting raindrops.

There’s a lot of them...and someone has to do it...maybe.

And why stare at a screen full of repeating binary numbers for hours at a time, when I can stare out the window repeating my jalapeno tuna sandwich for hours at a time?

Yet who am I to ignore a cosmic I guess I better tell you about my new car.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Perfect for a Rainy Day

Looking for just the right thing to while away a rainy day?

Well, first I’d look into an umbrella. Then, pick up a copy of my new book of Freelance Retorts and chuckle a little while you’re waiting for your socks to dry...because umbrellas do pretty much nothing for wet feet.

Plus, I need the validation....

Just sayin....

Anyway, buy the book...a guaranteed page turner, since that’s the only way to read the whole thing.

Again...just sayin....

Friday, March 24, 2017

Lying in “Truth”

Everyone wants the “truth”.

Why wouldn’t you?

I mean who wants a lie?

Unless you’re asking someone if your pants look okay.

Or if they can tell you had the garlic linguini for lunch?

Some people say the “truth” is relative.

That your “truth” is as valid as my “truth”...just different.

And then they run for public office.

I don’t know...and that is the “truth”.

I don’t think the “truth” is relative.

No matter how many “quote” marks you “wrap” around it.

I think the “truth” is the “truth”.

And everyone knows it’s the “truth”, but maybe don’t really want to admit it.

Or don’t want you to admit it...or know it.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Snow Way...a Snow Day!

We’re in the middle of a Nor’easter here in the Nor ‘east.

Which seems to make sense.

It’s also been classified as a Blizzard...or potential Blizzard, providing it meets specific criteria, set up, I guess, by the Blizzard association or bureau or something.

I’m not going to get into what that criteria is, because, one...I don’t want to bore you...and two...I have no idea what that criteria is, and I’m not about to go find out.

But I think it has something to do with a lot of snow and wind.

I’m not sure if this particular nor’easter is measuring up, at least where I sit, despite all the dire predictions, but it’s enough to render one house bound and be a disruption to one's normal routine.

Whereas, I would, on a typical winter’s day, sit inside staring at my computer, Googling shocking facts I never knew about “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir” all, I’m relegated to siting inside staring at my computer, Googling shocking facts I never knew about “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir”—the TV show, not the movie—while Z, who wasn’t able to get to work, even though I offered to worry...a lot...until she arrived safely...runs around the house cleaning and rearranging “everything” in sight and out of sight, some stuff I didn’t even know we owned. annoying, right?

And don’t get me started on all those distracting aromas of fresh baked Irish Bread...and brownies...and chocolate chip cookies...and maybe some hot chocolate and popcorn coming from the kitchen.


Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Retorts Unraveled

I finally got around to assembling my first collection of Retorts in book form and—wait for it—it’s available today on Amazon and, or, whatever other online bookseller you prefer.

It’s called:

Just like it says on the cover.

How did I come to choose this particular title, you ask?

Well, I was going back and forth, debating what to call it, wondering if the non-Zombie contingent might be turned off, thinking it was some kind of blood and gore horror story, which it isn’t...obviously...and if I wouldn’t be better served to go with something less ghoul specific.

But, in the end, the un-dead crowd has always been good to me so I stuck with my gut and ran with it...something the Zombies have been trying to do with my internal organs for years.

Besides, I’d already let slip what I’d been planning, so I didn’t want to risk any hard feelings; because Zombies can get a little unreasonable when their feelings are hurt and tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves...or somebody’s heart...or sleeve.

Of course, now, all the Zombie enthusiasts are going to be disappointed when they find out it’s really not a Zombie book at all...just a book of odd stories that happens to have some Zombies in it, from time to time.

But what doesn’t these days?

So, who knows?

Obviously not me.

As usual....

I’m not sure when I first thought it would be a good idea to publish a book of past Retorts.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017


I’m officially launching my new collection of favorite Retorts—“The Zombies Have Big Heads”— tomorrow. But you can be the first on your block to get it, by ordering on Amazon, today.

Shhhhhhh...don’t tell anyone. We don’t want to overwhelm the servers, but I thought you deserved to know.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Turn Turn Turn....

By March end, I’ll be turning 63.

Wow...that sounds weird.

I mean, besides the odd, crooked number, “turning” seems to indicate at some point I’ll undergo some sort of magical transformation.

As if a circle of starlight will surround and infuse my being with 63-ness.

Wisdom of 63 will fill my head and another slice of the unknown will suddenly become known.

Such as, why Instagram is essential to the health of my social media profile.

And the revelation that Lady Gaga and Pink are really the same person.

I don’t know.

We all make such a big deal about age...especially when we have a bit of it on us.

But isn’t that a good thing?

According to today’s quote from my pal Shinkei, “One cannot be certain of living even into the evening....”

But if you eat Big Macs every day, you probably already knew that.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Idiomatic of Nothing

Last time...yeah, way back then...I tried to do February a solid by talking up its good points.


Then, the next day, February dumped about 6 inches of snow.

And then, as if that weren’t enough, another 3 or so a couple of days later.

So I can only surmise, February likes its bad boy—or girl...who can tell with months—image.

But then it decided to change course, again, and throw a little springtime our way...with a little subfreezing temps mixed in—here and  there...there and here— just to keep us on our toes.

Which I’ve always found to be an odd reaction...but there it is.

A bunch of people walking around on their toes.

Not that I’m complaining.

Well, I mean, yeah...I am complaining...but I’m supposed to say I’m not.

Not sure why.

All in all, I find the toe walking entertaining.

Plus it saves on shoe leather...or rubber.

Which goes hand in hand with my next proclamation.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Feeling February

I’ve never been a February fan.

I guess a lot of people feel that way.

February mostly feels like a whole bunch of dreary "without ends".

February mostly feels like waiting in line at the DMV to find out what other line you’re supposed to be standing in.

February mostly feels like sitting through the popcorn and Twizzlers commercials at the multiplex, 20 minutes after the movie was scheduled to begin.  

February mostly feels like waiting for a table at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like waiting for your waitress to take your order at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.
February mostly feels like waiting for your food to arrive at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like waiting for your table to be cleared at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like waiting for your bill at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like wondering why you ever went to Applebee’s on a Saturday night...or at all.

But that was before my new positive outlook on all things dreary.

My realization that there’s something good to be found in all things...even dreary things...even Applebee’s.