Thursday, June 29, 2017

Hometown Holiday Memories on the 4th of July








It’s time to strike up the band and fire up the grill!

Yep, it doesn’t seem possible but Fourth of July weekend is already upon us.

Just a month ago it was Memorial day sneaking back into town as we were busy putting our winter coats away and digging out the air conditioners during that little May heat wave we suffered through...then...turning around and dragging all those winter coats back down—again—and pulling those same air conditioners out of the windows—again—while we fired up our boilers with temps dropping back into the 40s.

 Ahhhh...May...ahhhh June.

So hot...so cold...so hot...so confusing

But such is the way of springtime, and now summer, here in my hometown and, I suppose, the rest of the northeast...but who cares about them.

Which is the nice thing about small town living,

Despite all the division, noise and hub bub spinning out of control in the real world, we small towners have an opportunity to step back, from time to time, and put all the insanity aside, if just for a weekend...and, even better, a holiday weekend.

And the holidays are what make small town living special; are what brings neighbors together.

It’s difficult to dwell on the negative—even though just saying the word “dwell” has such a nice ring to it—while watching lines of happy kids in scout uniforms marching down the Avenue in formation...or something that resembles a formation.

It all depends on whether the kid carrying the flag gets distracted.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Oh, the Drama....








Some people love the drama.

They claim not to, but they do.

We all know them, these “Drama Peeps”.

There’s not an incident too small or insignificant that can’t be turned into some sort of personal trial.

“My shoe lace came untied just as I was on the corner, crossing the street, and that horrible countdown clock began clicking off the seconds, so I had to run across with only one tied shoelace, all the while worrying over the untied one, flapping all around as a tripping hazard. I could very easily have gotten run over by a bus.  It was awful!”

To which you might reply...

“Maybe you should look into Velcro.”

To which they’d reply, because Drama Peeps, never listen to what you have to say....

“Then...on top of all that what do I find on the bottom of my shoe....some sort of disgusting green gum, which I’m sure was packed full of horrible diseases!”

To which you might again reply...

“Did you say green gum...and what corner was this exactly?”

“Now I’m going to have to throw these perfectly good shoes away, and they’re only 6 years old...possibly 7...maybe eight.”

“Was it spearmint or something fruity?”

And on and on it goes.

It’s as if the “Drama Peeps” need the drama in order to justify their being; adding some measure of import to their day to day activities.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

The Perfect Imperfect Gift

Looking for the perfect dad day gift for the dad who has everything?

Well, then what are you doing here, messing around on-line???

But if you're looking for the perfect imperfect gift for the dad, who I'm pretty sure doesn't have this...give him a copy of "the Zombies Have Big Heads"...which is guaranteed to leave him scratching his own head...which is always fun...except at the dinner table, because it tends to be a little unappetizing....

And while you're at it, why not pick up a copy for a friend? It's a great way to introduce them to "The Freelance Retort"! 

I mean, why should you be the only one to suffer...?

Now only $7.99 Print - $3.99 Digital or $8.98 for both






A guaranteed page turner, since that’s the only way to read the whole thing.

Just sayin....





Thursday, June 8, 2017

Hidden Compartments






The thing that fails us most in youth is to realize... everyone was once young, too.

In fact, the old are no different than the young; they just keep their youth tucked away in hidden compartments only they can understand.

Toddler, pre-teen, teen, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 100 and beyond.

Every moment, every minute, every day, week and year.

Every memory, every emotion...stamped, catalogued and stored away in each of these sacred spaces.

Yeah...okay. Maybe “sacred” seems a bit over the top, melodramatic.

Perhaps, even schmaltzy.

But I think it applies, here.

What else would you call the place where the particles of your history are stored?

Youth awaits us, early on, with self-centered confidence; a world of days much too vast to contemplate.

All ours to use; never to lose.

Blowing by with endless energy and dreams.

Building, building...ever building, towards whatever we might imagine.

And before us, if we should stop to see, the old step carefully through the receding tide, stoop to pick a shell, simply admiring its miraculous twists and turns.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Who Likes “Look”?







I’ve noticed a lot of people like to say “Look”, these days....especially when the last thing they really want you to do is, you know... “Look”.

“Look”...we’ve been saying all along, yada yada yada....

“Look”...there’s absolutely nothing inconsistent with the facts...they’re the same as the ones we’ve been making up from the beginning...yada yada yada....

“Look”...I can’t emphasize enough the idea that if I smirk and say “Look” you can’t help but see just how serious I am about wanting you to believe this stuff...yada yada yada....

It’s kind of a thing.

“Look” if you can’t see that then maybe you don’t want to see it.

“Look”... am I wasting my breath, here.

“Look”...It’s all just part of the new way of saying something while you’re really saying nothing.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Growing Up in the “Now”








We all use various forms of the phrase “Growing up”.

When I was growing up....

You’re all grown up....

When I grow up....

Will you ever grow up...?

Which I get a lot.

But can we really say anyone ever really grows up?

I mean, sure, in a physical sense we get bigger and stronger...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...yet, aren’t we always growing up, no matter what age we fall on the actuarial table?

Growing up into what we’re meant to grow up into.

Even if it’s just a guy who hangs out in the park picking lint from his belly button.

Or worse, someone else’s belly button.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

New 5 star review on Amazon for the Zombies!


https://www.amazon.com/Zombies-Have-Big-Heads-observations/dp/0998733903/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=S1W73YR4PCMH8S543B68



     "...Moloney's quick wit and amazing way with words is prominent throughout the book. It's broken up into little stories, which is nice, but I found myself reading story after story and not wanting to put it down! It's an insightful, humorous, feel good book, which we could all use more of! Bravo Brian, for another great read!"

Thanks, Dream Reader! Appreciate the nice words.

The Zombies say they can use a few more reviews...cuz, you know...Zombies are never satisfied...nor subtle....

Click Here to Order

https://www.amazon.com/Zombies-Have-Big-Heads-observations/dp/0998733903/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=S1W73YR4PCMH8S543B68





Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Kitchen Updates Upcoming








A while back, Z mentioned in passing, she thought it was time to update our kitchen.

Great, I thought. We could use a new toaster. My English muffins have been popping out a little too crispy lately.

And the dish drainer could use an update.

Let’s face it, avocado green had a good run, but has seen its day.

So why not?

Then I was informed, Z was thinking a little more “radical” in her way of “updates”.

Hmmmmm...I thought.

If it’s possible to think hmmmmm.

I’m not sure it is.

But that’s neither here nor there...which isn’t unusual.

Hmmmm...”radical” sounds a little ominous.

Is she talking about trashing our old garbage pail; the fancy one with the automatic lid opener—if you count stepping on a peddle to open it, “automatic”?

I guess we could use a new one, though, since it hasn’t actually opened “automatically”, peddle or no, in, let’s say, awhile.

I suppose I’ll still have all those crazy garbage pail memories to hold onto.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Shiny New Things






Every once and awhile, after I disappear into an extended brain fog and cease contributing to the world at large...or small...my e-mail distributer will take matters into its own hands and arbitrarily send out a past retort, just to wake me up.

So that’s why, if you’re a subscriber, you may have received something about Christmas and cars, a while back.

Sorry...but I take no responsibility for my artificial intelligence. I have enough trouble managing my actual intelligence, or lack thereof

However, I guess this AI knew what it was doing, since here I am...unintelligently intact...but still lackadaisical and indifferent to all things retorting.

And since the topic of said past retort was cars...and I just bought a new car, I suppose I have to pay attention...at least a little.

I have to admit, lately, the universe seems to be dangling many shiny new things, in addition to cars, in my direction, so my personal distraction quotient is way over the top.

Not that I ever had a lot of luck with focus in the past.

I think it has something to do with mixing up my contact lenses.

The thought of sitting quietly in front of a computer screen, pecking out one inanity after another for a reason I have yet to figure out has been more often than not pushed aside by my propensity for counting raindrops.

There’s a lot of them...and someone has to do it...maybe.

And why stare at a screen full of repeating binary numbers for hours at a time, when I can stare out the window repeating my jalapeno tuna sandwich for hours at a time?

Yet who am I to ignore a cosmic nudge...so I guess I better tell you about my new car.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Perfect for a Rainy Day



Looking for just the right thing to while away a rainy day?


Well, first I’d look into an umbrella. Then, pick up a copy of my new book of Freelance Retorts and chuckle a little while you’re waiting for your socks to dry...because umbrellas do pretty much nothing for wet feet.


Plus, I need the validation....


Just sayin....





Anyway, buy the book...a guaranteed page turner, since that’s the only way to read the whole thing.


Again...just sayin....





Friday, March 24, 2017

Lying in “Truth”







Everyone wants the “truth”.

Why wouldn’t you?

I mean who wants a lie?

Unless you’re asking someone if your pants look okay.

Or if they can tell you had the garlic linguini for lunch?

Some people say the “truth” is relative.

That your “truth” is as valid as my “truth”...just different.

And then they run for public office.

I don’t know...and that is the “truth”.

I don’t think the “truth” is relative.

No matter how many “quote” marks you “wrap” around it.

I think the “truth” is the “truth”.

And everyone knows it’s the “truth”, but maybe don’t really want to admit it.

Or don’t want you to admit it...or know it.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Snow Way...a Snow Day!









We’re in the middle of a Nor’easter here in the Nor ‘east.

Which seems to make sense.

It’s also been classified as a Blizzard...or potential Blizzard, providing it meets specific criteria, set up, I guess, by the Blizzard association or bureau or something.

I’m not going to get into what that criteria is, because, one...I don’t want to bore you...and two...I have no idea what that criteria is, and I’m not about to go find out.

But I think it has something to do with a lot of snow and wind.

I’m not sure if this particular nor’easter is measuring up, at least where I sit, despite all the dire predictions, but it’s enough to render one house bound and be a disruption to one's normal routine.



Whereas, I would, on a typical winter’s day, sit inside staring at my computer, Googling shocking facts I never knew about “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir” all day...today, I’m relegated to siting inside staring at my computer, Googling shocking facts I never knew about “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir”—the TV show, not the movie—while Z, who wasn’t able to get to work, even though I offered to worry...a lot...until she arrived safely...runs around the house cleaning and rearranging “everything” in sight and out of sight, some stuff I didn’t even know we owned.

Yeah...so annoying, right?

And don’t get me started on all those distracting aromas of fresh baked Irish Bread...and brownies...and chocolate chip cookies...and maybe some hot chocolate and popcorn coming from the kitchen.

Maybe....

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Retorts Unraveled


https://www.amazon.com/Zombies-Have-Big-Heads-observations/dp/0998733903/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KAYM5EVDMMHNBSY3MR94

I finally got around to assembling my first collection of Retorts in book form and—wait for it—it’s available today on Amazon and, or, whatever other online bookseller you prefer.

It’s called:








Just like it says on the cover.

How did I come to choose this particular title, you ask?

Well, I was going back and forth, debating what to call it, wondering if the non-Zombie contingent might be turned off, thinking it was some kind of blood and gore horror story, which it isn’t...obviously...and if I wouldn’t be better served to go with something less ghoul specific.

But, in the end, the un-dead crowd has always been good to me so I stuck with my gut and ran with it...something the Zombies have been trying to do with my internal organs for years.

Besides, I’d already let slip what I’d been planning, so I didn’t want to risk any hard feelings; because Zombies can get a little unreasonable when their feelings are hurt and tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves...or somebody’s heart...or sleeve.

Of course, now, all the Zombie enthusiasts are going to be disappointed when they find out it’s really not a Zombie book at all...just a book of odd stories that happens to have some Zombies in it, from time to time.

But what doesn’t these days?

So, who knows?

Obviously not me.

As usual....

I’m not sure when I first thought it would be a good idea to publish a book of past Retorts.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Shhhhhhhhhh....

I’m officially launching my new collection of favorite Retorts—“The Zombies Have Big Heads”— tomorrow. But you can be the first on your block to get it, by ordering on Amazon, today.

Shhhhhhh...don’t tell anyone. We don’t want to overwhelm the servers, but I thought you deserved to know.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

https://www.amazon.com/Zombies-Have-Big-Heads-observations/dp/0998733903/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_4?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=9BCQ7RXF1YCY42FGC06D


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Turn Turn Turn....







By March end, I’ll be turning 63.

Wow...that sounds weird.

I mean, besides the odd, crooked number, “turning” seems to indicate at some point I’ll undergo some sort of magical transformation.

As if a circle of starlight will surround and infuse my being with 63-ness.

Wisdom of 63 will fill my head and another slice of the unknown will suddenly become known.

Such as, why Instagram is essential to the health of my social media profile.

And the revelation that Lady Gaga and Pink are really the same person.

I don’t know.

We all make such a big deal about age...especially when we have a bit of it on us.

But isn’t that a good thing?

According to today’s quote from my pal Shinkei, “One cannot be certain of living even into the evening....”

But if you eat Big Macs every day, you probably already knew that.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Idiomatic of Nothing







Last time...yeah, way back then...I tried to do February a solid by talking up its good points.

Yeah...right?

Then, the next day, February dumped about 6 inches of snow.

And then, as if that weren’t enough, another 3 or so a couple of days later.

So I can only surmise, February likes its bad boy—or girl...who can tell with months—image.

But then it decided to change course, again, and throw a little springtime our way...with a little subfreezing temps mixed in—here and  there...there and here— just to keep us on our toes.

Which I’ve always found to be an odd reaction...but there it is.

A bunch of people walking around on their toes.

Not that I’m complaining.

Well, I mean, yeah...I am complaining...but I’m supposed to say I’m not.

Not sure why.

All in all, I find the toe walking entertaining.

Plus it saves on shoe leather...or rubber.

Which goes hand in hand with my next proclamation.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Feeling February











I’ve never been a February fan.

I guess a lot of people feel that way.

February mostly feels like a whole bunch of dreary "without ends".

February mostly feels like waiting in line at the DMV to find out what other line you’re supposed to be standing in.

February mostly feels like sitting through the popcorn and Twizzlers commercials at the multiplex, 20 minutes after the movie was scheduled to begin.  

February mostly feels like waiting for a table at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like waiting for your waitress to take your order at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.
February mostly feels like waiting for your food to arrive at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like waiting for your table to be cleared at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like waiting for your bill at Applebee’s on a Saturday night.

February mostly feels like wondering why you ever went to Applebee’s on a Saturday night...or at all.

But that was before my new positive outlook on all things dreary.

My realization that there’s something good to be found in all things...even dreary things...even Applebee’s.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Who’s Bright Idea?







I guess we all saw this coming.

Or should have.

The confusion, the chaos...the heavy handed, tyrannical government intrusion into everything we hold near and dear.

The upheaval of the status quo.

Basic rights, ethics, morality and just plain common sense and decency thrown to the wolves.

Is this the kind of thing we want to see our government involved in?

Really?

Messing with our light bulbs?

What...?

Why the big gasp?

Am I missing something?

Is there something more important than the light bulb outrage going on?

If there is, no one told me about it and I’ve been way too busy trying to get to the bottom of this lighting issue to watch the news or read a newspaper....

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Click Baiting Bathos







I'm moving at a snail’s pace, again...already...here in the "New Year".

Which, for some reason, spell check demands I capitalize, as if "New Year" were a proper name or something.

Spellcheck...so annoying.

So distracting....

But, I like to mess with it once in awhile and add words to the dictionary that I porposley misspell.

You gotta do these things from time to time...or else the AI wins.

That’s right AI, which doesn’t stand for Arnie Ingersoll, my old grade school nemesis.

That’s right Arnie...I’m talking about you.

Ingersoll...!

Sorry, my impulse control’s acting up again.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Take “It” as “It” Comes









Sorry for falling off the blog map...again.

I’ve been involved with some big deal “grown up” issues the last couple of weeks so, of course, I’ve been curled in a ball, with a blanket over my head, hiding in the basement.

Where I’d still be if I hadn’t dropped that box of frozen ravioli, which alerted my neighbor who told me to go home and curl up in my own basement...and get over it.

People are always telling me to get over it.

“Relax...just take it as it comes.”

Really...they are.

Oh, wait...someone just shouted it through my window.

So weird, this neighborhood.

But I suppose it’s good advice, nonetheless, no matter what window it comes through.

Problem is: I’m not very good at taking other people’s advice, let alone taking “it” as “it” comes”.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

FREE Time Almost NO time....


1/8/2016

The promotion for a free download of The Little Red Christmas ball has ended. Thanks to all who took advantage of the opportunity and now have your own copy snuggled onto your personal reading device of choice. I hope you enjoyed The Little Red Christmas Ball's story and pick up a copy of the paperback to hold on...shine bright and share with your family for years to come....

********************************************





Just a few hours left to download your FREE digital version of The Little Red Christmas Ball before we wrap the little guy up and pack him away until next year ! 

If you've already taken advantage of this great, FREE E-book offer, I hope you enjoyed The Little Red Christmas Ball's story and pick up a copy of the paperback to hold on...shine bright and share with your family for years to come....

Right now we're sitting on lucky #13 on the Top 100 FREE e-book, yada yada yada...Christmas books, so let's see if we can upend that Dickens fellow, who's sitting so smugly at #2.

I mean, come on Charlie...not even #1? After all these years!











And don't forget

“The Kingdom of Keys”


also available at Amazon



















Wednesday, January 4, 2017

A Better New Year – Disagree to Agree









Here we are...

A new day, a new week a new year...all rolled into one.

I guess.

Kind of like a great big meatball.

Except with artificial units of time rather than meat.

Which, to be honest, as a matter of course, you probably want to avoid any hint of artificiality in most things, especially meat.

So now, everyone feels as if they get a great big re-do...a fresh start.

You know, because of all the new artificial units of time lying ahead.

Which has nothing to do with meatballs, except they too are better if fresh.

Yeah...not much has changed.

Pointless silliness is still pointless silliness no matter what day, week or year it is.

For instance, I’m going to try, in this new artificial unit of time, avoiding people that disagree with me.

Makes sense right?

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Happy New Year...imagine that....



Time to tear off a whole new set of pages....


Make all your dreams come true...imagine that....


Happy New Year, Retorters!