Saturday, October 31, 2015

Halloween—Trick or Treat? - Again

Another Halloween is upon us....whether we want it or not. 
Luckily, not much changes with Halloween from year to year, except for the measurable inches of snow we sometimes receive.

I'd like to stay and chat some more, but I'm having trouble locating one of my mouse ears and one mouse ear just doesn't fly, especially with the witches next door who are sticklers when it comes to potion preparation. 


From the Archive of Retort - October 31, 2011



Trick or Treat!

Where's the snow shovel?

Hey Dude, you’re stepping on my tail!

Ho Ho Ho!

All things you normally hear on Halloween…except maybe the Ho ho ho.

Actually, now that I think about it, there’s probably going to be a Christmas commercial running somewhere the minute you turn off the lights on the Trick or Treaters.

Can’t start too early.

Halloween is one of those “holidays” that you either love or hate. To the uninhibited among you, you love it and begin plotting your costume-ware as early as July…maybe sooner.

I’m thinking you’re also a big fan of practical jokes. Can’t get enough of those fart cushions at parties!

To the inhibited, of whom I count myself, the thought of picking out some self-conscious bunny eared costume complete with cotton tail is…well…not pleasant.

Okay…sure… I had a bad experience once. But that officer was way out of line.

Luckily, Z looked so adorable in her little baby doll outfit that she was able to talk him out of using the least the metal ones.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I’m a Met fan! - From the Archive of Retort

Seemed like a good day to resurrect this one from July 2011.

Not sure why....


I’m a Met fan!

I’m not ashamed
to say it.

I’m a Met fan!

There I said it again…

It’s not like it’s my choice. 

No…there’s no choice involved.

Who would choose to go through what a Met fan goes through in a lifetime?

No…it’s not a choice. It’s a way of life.  It’s who we are; how we were born. 

It’s genetically pre-determined.

Like other traits that wrap around our DNA: loyalty, truthfulness, trustfulness, kindness, grumpiness, pragmatist, fatalist, pessimist…even how we tie our shoes. 

None of it’s our choice; it’s just who we are.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

What Happened to the Future? - Again

I've put this one up a couple of times, now. But I suppose it's a bit apropos today since I keep hearing about all this "Back to the Future" stuff and what did and didn't come true. Some version of it might have, but most of it didn't.  Plus, I've never been satisfied with my hover board and I still haven't paid off my credit card bill from 1985.... 

Here from the past, 10/5/2011, into the future, 10/21/2015....


What happened to the future?

 I mean the future everyone was talking about when I was a kid back in the 60’s.

The one where we all lived propped up on mile high towers in near-space where the stars shone all the time. We drove, or flew rather, on skyways in tiny little space cars enclosed with synthetic see through bubble tops. 

Hi-tech machines and robots took care of all of our menial chores, including bathing, brushing our teeth and even dressing ourselves.  All you need do was push a few buttons and off you went down a conveyor belt and into some sort of electronic phone booth where, within seconds, you emerged from the other side fully clothed and ready for your day at the sprocket factory…but not before saying goodbye to Jane your wife…daughter Judy and your boy Elroy.

What happened to that future with all the cool toys that were promised, like wall size 3D holographic interactive TVs, indoor dog walkers and robots named Rosie to keep your sky pad up and running in tip top button pushing shape? 

Friday, October 16, 2015

Of Leaf Blowers and Men

It’s fall, which means its leaf blower season.

But when isn’t it leaf blower season?

In the height of summer when there’s nary a wayward leaf to be found, a gaggle of landscapers whoosh away worms, ants or anything else they can or can’t see, including small pets and wayward children, off the affluent lawns left in their charge.

Even in winter, some Yo Yos are out blowing snow off their sidewalks.

But fall...fall is when the leaf blowers really come out in force, attacking in coordinated precision each leaf before it even touches down onto a single bend of grass.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Still Summer for Zombies

Unlike me, the Zombies across the street have definitely not embraced the fall.

In fact, they’re very much still in summer mode...which is disturbing, even in July.

You know, because of the skimpy European bathing attire they favor.

I mean, even on the best of bods, that kind of thing makes conversation, let’s say, uncomfortable...and most Zombie bods—at least what’s left of them—are far from the best of anything.

Not that, they’re to blame. Decomp will take its toll on all of us.

It’s just that, most likely, we won’t be sunbathing in the front yard well into October.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Embracing Fall

I embraced the fall about 3:42 PM.

I was wearing shorts at the time, but still embraced it, nonetheless.

So that’s done....

And, surprisingly—or not so surprisingly, depending on your point of view—the whole thing occurred pretty seamlessly.

No great rumbles...or swirling winds. 

Not even a bolt of lightning.

It actually just slipped into the middle of my very ordinary afternoon while I was stuck waiting for the light to change, outside the Stop & Shop.

You know, the endless light that takes forever to cycle through a half dozen different traffic patterns before you get your very brief turn to go.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Getting Squirrely

The squirrels around here have been acting...well, squirrely.

Which is probably better than acting least for the squirrels.

I guess it’s that time of year when squirrels figure the days are running short where it comes to completing all their pre-winter chores before the NFL season starts getting serious.

So they’re running around the yard...this way and that...gathering nuts, burying nuts and digging up the same nuts they just buried.

Nutty, huh.

I’ve had my issues with squirrels in the past and even employed my own personal squirrel whisperer to “reason” with them.

But, since then, I’ve come to terms with the fact that squirrels will be squirrels and all those small little holes in my lawn are just the price of doing business in suburbia.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Never Done

I’ve come to realize...I’m never going to be done.

Which, to most of you, must seem odd, since it probably appears I’ve never gotten started.  

So there’s that....

Most folks have things in life they want to accomplish, so they develop a plan, work hard, stay the course...until one day...they’re done.

Free to rest easy knowing they did all they could do, as best as they could and achieved what it was they set out to achieve in some form or another, to some degree or another.

Throw a line in the water, open a book, sleep on a beach or travel the world...they’re done.

They’re done and now they get to reap all the peace of mind being done entails.

Like that feeling you had on the last day of school...done.

Oh, I don’t mean they won’t have new challenges and more mountains to climb...not that kind of rocking chair done.

And I don’t mean they didn’t achieve all kinds of smaller goals along the way.

I’m sure they did and after every such accomplishment they kicked back and smoked a celebratory stogie, metaphorically or literally...depending on how much they value their taste buds.

And I envy that...I envy that peace of mind.

Because for the most part I have a very not so peaceful mind.