Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Hard to Imagine

I saw a story online, the other day, announcing Tom Hanks was turning 60.





And the tone of incredulity, in which it was posted, indicated it was an announcement one step below his obituary.

60....poor guy.

Hard to imagine.

But what I do imagine is the story was written by someone all of 22 to whom turning 60 is kind of like imagining life without belly shots.

Having turned 60, myself, some two plus years ago, I can tell you it’s no big deal.

So I think Tom will be fine.

The walkers come with instructions and the adult diapers aren’t all that bad once you get used to the puffy butt line.

Besides, those soft landings are kind of nice...and something you can get used to, real fast.

It’s really not all that bad...and not in an “It’s not how old you are, it’s how old you feel” kind of way.

Because if you’ve taken care of yourself, kept your coat shiny and gotten all your shots, you pretty much feel the same as you’ve always felt.

Just don’t look at any old photos...like from 5 years ago...and you’ll be fine.

I mean, once all your joints pop back into proper alignment, usually after breakfast.

Plus you’re suddenly eligible for all sorts of discounts.

I just got my “Senior” beach card...and I’m actually thrilled about it.

Sure, I keep tossing out the AARP invites...but free parking at the beach—who’s gonna turn down that?

And once you get past the patronizing smile of the 16 year old fee collector that says...“Ahhhh, look, he still comes to the beach. How cute, he reminds me of my grandpa!”...it’s still just parking...only free.
Okay, sure. If I had my druthers—which I haven’t had since the mid 90’s—I’d rather be 22...but not with all the stupidity that 22 entails.

Or 32 or 42...or even 52.

Nah...I’m pretty happy with the stupidity that comes with 62...stupidity I’ve honed to an art form.

But of course, it’s still a work in progress.

And one I’m willing to devout as much time as it takes to get right.

Besides, once you past 60 you have the benefit of hindsight, which as they say is always 20-20... even if it requires a bi-focal correction for reading.

So to the super young who think it’s difficult to tie your shoes at 60 let alone continue to be an active, productive member of society, I say—

I say—

Well, I was gonna say something profound, that seems to have slipped my mind...mostly because I was distracted over finding my keys, which I need in order to beep the alarm on my car, which I can’t seem to locate...even with the free parking. 

Did I mention the parking is free...? 


Have you picked up my new book “The Kingdom of Keys”?
No....what's up with that???

Better hurry before they're ALL GONE...which is a lie because they'll never be all gone...never....

So why not buy one just to reward my forthrightness..ness...ness?

You might even enjoy it.

And spread the word...cuz nobody else is....

Just sayin....
Available now at Amazon.com and all other major on-line booksellers - Click Here

And while your at it

Like" the Retorts on Facebook 


  1. You and Tom are to be envied. Think of all the folks who would like to see 60 again. I am poised to enter the territory of the Big 9-O. In two months. A flatterer par excellence is my doc, who said I could pass for 70. I said: WHAT?! Do I look that old?

  2. Ha! I was thinking of you when I wrote this. I knew you'd have something to say! We'd all hope to be like you...when we get to be like you. Keep leading the way...

  3. it's the little things that make all the difference, magoo...


Retort to the Retort -

“Is there anybody alive out there…”