May 21st-The End of Days! What Happens to the Nights?

I ‘m a freelance corporate writer, which means I create everything from promotional, instructional, training videos to interactive on line presentations for various corporations and health care companies. In that sense I guess you could say that I’m a “professional writer” since I do get paid to write, work from home and have lots of free time to myself. However, most of my neighbors think I’m retired.

In between mowing the lawn, raking leaves and shoveling snow, the stars will sometimes align in just the right fashion, and someone from a small group of “regular clients” that I’ve fooled into working with me through the years will pull my name out of a fish bowl and throw a project my way.  This usually entails coming up with and executing a clever idea for a “Team” of executives who are promoting a new initiative or product, but who are basically trying to impress their peers and their bosses, so that they can move up the ladder and assign this same task to the new“Team”, next year.   I also have to put on pants…usually.

My wife is a nurse who’s a cross between Florence Nightingale and Mother Theresa. She saves lives. 

I save the butts of mid-level executives.

Who do you thinks wakes up singing every morning?

But a peculiar thing happened the other day; I woke up feeling very upbeat and…dare I say it… “happy”. Borderline giddy, actually.  I even found myself humming. I was so stunned by this behavior that I texted a friend who’s familiar with my many, let’s say, negative moods, informed her of the situation and inquired, “What the frick is that about?” She texted back, “Relax, it’s probably temporary.” I replied, “One would hope!” then mused, “Perhaps the 5 cent drop in gasoline prices has finally hit me”. I went on to say, “I almost feel like putting on a flouncy dress and running through the park singing “The Sound of Music.” She responded in turn, “Just as everyone suspected!” which actually made me laugh, another behavior usually lacking in me before noon. This was definitely becoming problematic.

Later that day, the expected nose dive never came. I was still feeling oddly “up”, still riding this peculiar wave of optimism.  I had finished my foray through the park proclaiming that “the hills are indeed alive”, which apparently is frowned upon by the local authorities…however I did get several nice complements on the flouncy dress. After posting bail, I was still flush with goodwill, so I decided to drive up to a local garden center In Norwalk to pick up various flowers and tomato plants that I promised my wife I would attend to, facilitating our annual Spring planting ritual.  See, I really was in a good mood!  But then, on the way home, driving south on 95, I happened to notice a HUGE billboard announcing: JUDGEMENT DAY IS COMING, MAY 21^{st ,} 2011!!!  And I say to myself, “What the %$#@*&!  I finally start feeling "happy"and it’s all going poof in 10 frickin days?!”  But then I think, maybe that’s why I’m feeling so damn good.  No more pressure. No more impossible mountains to climb. No more Jersey Shore (the reality TV show, not the actual shore, which I happen to enjoy).  It’s all over a week from Saturday! So I rush home and do some research, and this is the real deal. I mean it’s on-line and everything…and don’t forget the billboard! Apparently the dead will rise and there is something about frogs, and evidently people with pink eye will be frowned upon.

So now I’m feeling even more excited about life, or I guess I should say, after-life.  I checked the whites of my eyes, which seemed to pass muster and figured I could get around that whole eternal damnation thing with a simple “Whaaaat…non-believer….me???  I was kidding!  You knew that all along…right???” And that makes me think, with all the excuse making that’s bound to go on, what about all the processing and paper work that’s got to be involved?  I mean, imagine the lines.  It really will be hell. 

So my plan now is to max out all my credit cards and really live it up, I mean, while I can. I’ve already fired off a whole slew of “in your face” e-mails to all the folks who have really ticked me off over the years, which as you can imagine is quite extensive. I’m also cancelling my ENT appointment for Thursday; I’m just that serious. So let the apocalyptic good times roll. And I’ve read that it will all be televised live, or whatever we’ll be calling it then.
Apparently TV people have no chance for redemption. 

Tweet Follow @FreelanceRetort