Papal Resignation

I heard the Pope is retiring.

Say whaaaaat?

I mean is that even allowed?

Is the Statue of Liberty allowed to retire?

Mona Lisa?


Betty White?

No…so why should the Pope?

I guess maybe we shouldn’t be surprised. I mean it’s not like this never happened before…in the last 600 years.

The last Pope to resign was some dude, named, Gregory XII, who believe it or not was not the only Pope at the time. Nor was he as cool as either of the other Gregory’s—XI or XIII—who came before him and after him…somewhere…maybe.

Apparently his taste in shoes was abhorrent, which some say led to his unpopularity and subsequent resignation.

But you don’t need me to tell you that.

There was also something going on at the time called the “Western Schism”, which if you’ve ever experienced a schism—north south, east or west—you know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, so this current Pope has apparently had enough of the Pope business.

And who can blame him.

I mean saving souls can wear you down after a while…especially with a hat on your head that weighs about 400 pounds. 

And all those encyclicals you have to issue?

As a blogger, I know how much pressure that can put on a person.

But you don’t need me to tell you that.

Plus, I bet after a while a person can only take so much of all that papal “ring” kissing.

 I mean would you want people stopping you on the street to kiss your “ring” all the time?

With everything floating around out there, that’s floating around out there?

I don’t think so.

I guess we should have seen it coming…especially after he was spotted down in West Palm, checking out those senior living monasteries.

Personally, I found all that talk of, “It’s just a time share” a little suspicious.

I also heard the Holy See was changing how they calculated their matching contribution to the papal 401K.

“Whatever God wills…it is what it is”…just wasn’t gonna fly…not in this economy...not even for a Pope.

So he’s stepping down.

But he did give his two weeks…so you really can’t complain.

Even though he tried to slip the proclamation past everyone by announcing it in a dead language.

Fortunately, the “Papal Custodian”, who actually speaks Latin, was on that day, repairing a curtain rod in one of the confessionals, just as the Pope tried to sneak in the big news, right after the winners of the Vatican Super Bowl Pool were announced.

The custodian was so taken aback by what he heard that he reportedly dropped his hammer and shouted, “Holy Mother of God!”, which upset the seated Cardinals in attendance, because…well, they just hadn’t expected her, especially on a Monday, and had nothing to serve.

Eventually, the custodian explained just what he had heard and by the time the assembled group of cardinals stopped fussing over whether or not to pick up a sheet cake—or simply go with pastries—and the historical significance of the moment sunk in, the Pope had already slipped out, as he was late for his weekly game of mahjong.

All in all, everyone is hoping for a smooth transition.

There’ll be a papal election, a puff of white smoke—preferably menthol, preferably filtered—and voila…a new Pope.

And the old Pope says he will have no influence over the new Pope, in any way. Not even in a subtle cluck of the tongue, disapproving eye roll kind of way. I mean how could he, tucked away in a monastery someplace. It’s not like they Skype.

So something new and exciting to look forward to.

Maybe they’ll elect an American Pope…or an African Pope…or an Asian Pope.

Maybe even a woman Pope.

Oh wait…I forgot. There aren’t any women priests, let alone cardinals to even be considered electing Pope.

I guess that makes sense. 

I mean how could a woman ever have the open minded, caring, nurturing, sympathetic, empathetic, tolerant, mollifying, non-competitive, peace promoting, understanding qualities it takes to be Pope?

What was I thinking?

 

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