Sage Advice

The sagest advice I ever received was not to step in dog’s doo.

And, at the time, I wasn’t even sure what dog’s doo was.

But it sounded like good advice so I tried my best to dog’s don’t on the doo.

But as with any sage advice, I eventually dog’s did.

And I wished I didn’t....

But that’s how it was when I was a kid.

I was also told not to poke my eye out, which I thought was a plan.

And not to step on a crack or I would break my mother’s back....which sounded like something I should try to avoid...at least on most days, if I still wanted dinner.

Sage, sage...sage advice.

How would we have survived without it?

Probably with our faces frozen in hideous contortions.

Or our knuckles riddled with arthritis.

Blind from watching TV with the lights off, way too close to the screen.

Probably drowned more than a 100 times from jumping in the pool, less than an hour after eating.

Probably standing only three feet tall from smoking.

Probably thrown in jail from doing all sorts of bad things, because we ignored the fact that Santa was watching...always.

We’d all be total failures because we didn’t take the stuff that went on our permanent records seriously enough.

We’d all be stricken with Polio from not bathing enough.

Prickly heat would have been the downfall for a lot of us.

Most of us would have perished, well before our times, from playing with cheap toys made in China.

Especially if they cost more than 5 bucks.

Turning the volume up too loud on our headphones would have made us all deaf by now.

I said...TURNING UP THE VOLUME ON OUR HEADPHONES WOULD HAVE MADE US ALL DEAF BY NOW!!!!

Imagine all the rotten teeth, if we’d drank all the coke we wanted.

Or the rickets we’d have developed from eating too many Slim Jim’s.

Not to mention all the watermelons we’d be growing in our stomachs from swallowing the pits...especially if we had 7 years of gum wallowing in there, as well.

But that might have been preferable than the slow death associated with eating a hot dog from a street vendor.

We’d probably all waste money on clothes that actually fit, instead of buying a couple of sizes up so we’d have room to grow into them.

We’d all be cutting off our noses to spite our faces.

Jumping off cliffs with our friends.

Believing everything we heard.

Running before walking.

Leaping before looking.

Talking before thinking.

And in general...just plain throwing our lives away...wasting the best years of our lives...throwing good money after bad.

But luckily, we heeded all that sage advice.

And now we stay in on Saturday nights watching reruns of Blue Bloods and How I Met Your Mother.

But that’s okay...because tomorrow’s another day....

And the day after that...after that...after that....

________________________________________________

Looking for a fun, new Christmas Tradition to share with your family?

Pick up "The Little Red Christmas Ball"

Now available at Amazon

Click Here to Order

And don't forget

“The Kingdom of Keys”

also available at Amazon

Click Here to Order 

And while you're at it

Like" the Retorts on Facebook 

Follow @FreelanceRetort on Twitter   

Or subscribe above to receive Retorts by E-Mail  

For the latest Retorts: Click here 

Retort to the Retort – FreelanceRetort@gmail.com