The Freelance Retort: Data Dis...Data Dat

Friday, April 13, 2018

Data Dis...Data Dat

Lately, everyone’s in a panic over the possibility of their data being stolen.

Which is a little odd since I’d bet most people weren't even sure how to actually pronounce “Data” let alone realize they had data to steal?

But now it’s all the rage to...well...rage about your misappropriated data, so it seems as if it’s a big deal.

My data is my data, and I’m saving it for that one very special data analytic company. Not just any Tom, Dick and Harassing analytic company who’s gonna use my data to persuade me to buy fake Fig
Newtons over genuine, authenticated Fig Newtons.

Ain’t gonna happen...nuh, uh...no way.

I cannot be swayed from my Newtons...you’re darn tootin...no matter how many of them you try to convince me are involved in undesirable activities in the basement of pizza parlors all over the country.

You can’t fool me...I mean, most of the time, unless it has to do with bottled water.

But who can tell from water?

Certainly not me.

I say, so what if someone steals my data?

In fact, I already had my data stolen, years ago.

But it was my own fault.

I left it sitting out on the front porch, after bringing in all the groceries.

I had so many bags to contend with, I didn’t even realize I’d left it out there all night.

Not until whoever stole my data brought it back.

Yeah...can you believe it?

They brought my data back with a note saying: “Get a Life, why don’t you....”

Which I found kind of rude.

So I’m not sure what the big deal is.

Plus, all the ads I get now for cat clothes are kind of cute.

Anyway, I’m not really concerned over who’s seeing my data; I really don’t have much to hide.

And the stuff I do, I keep in that secret hole in the wall behind my garage, which no one knows about...and never will.

Cuz, I’m not telling.

Don’t worry; I’m not selling any big secrets to Russian spies.

Just little ones and I usually just give it to them for free.

But only if they ask, because how do you say no to a Russian spy; they’re like a dog with a bone when it comes to secrets, any secrets.

And some of the cuter spies can be very persuasive.

The thi

ng that has everyone so up in arms, which, besides being unsanitary, just looks weird, is they think the data collectors are distributing all their data without their permission.

Really?

Did you really think you were preserving your sacred right to privacy not to disclose all your closely guarded, “Tightie Whitie or Briefs” preferences when you were clicking on all those “I Accept - Terms of Agreement” buttons over the last couple of decades?

Come on, class. We already covered this... more than 4 years ago.

March 4^th, 2014 to be precise, which I always strive to be, mostly because the Russians get upset if you’re not...or maybe that’s the Germans...possibly the Chinese....

Not really sure.

But you can review it again, right here—“Terms of Dis-Service”—then take the refresher quiz for extra credit.

So, please...stop all the whining about your precious stolen data.

If you don’t want everyone knowing whether or not you spring for the “Super Car Wash” or just the less expensive "Wash & Go Special", stop posting selfies during the Carnauba Hot Wax application.

And keep your shirt on...nobody wants to see that.

Besides, you were warned, a long time ago...by me of all people.

Talk about “SAD”.

Gotta go...the Russians are at the gate.

Now they’re looking for the latest list of books Oprah doesn’t want you to read.

Plus an easy guide to identifying all the Kardashians...which believe me...isn’t easy....

Dasvidaniya....

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