Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Terms of Dis-Service

I Agree-You Agree

We All Agree

Who reads User Agreements?

Not me…and I’m pretty sure not you.

You know what I’m talking about…those 100 thousand words of legalese that pop up on your computer screen every time you sign up for some new service or another.

Before they validate your membership and let you start sharing pictures of today's lunch on their site you have to click“I Agree”.

Sometimes you even have to state that you “Have Read” the thing.

And what do we do?

We click…we click…and then we click again.

“Come on, my pastrami is wilting…I’m losing the light!”

And off we go.

Then, of course, afterwards, you think nothing of it until ten years later when a couple of guys show up at your door looking for the kidney that you owe them.

“It’s right here in our “Terms of Service” paragraph 942, section 80, subsection 32.A…upon the 10th anniversary date  of membership, you agree to donate one kidney to our ‘Misplaced Organ Club’.  We’ll be back in five for your liver.”

And what choice do you have?  You clicked“I Agree”. 

Besides they say we can live just fine with only one kidney.

Then you start to wonder if that’s why Johnny didn’t come home after his 13th Birthday.  Maybe he didn’t run off to join the Moonies after all….

But luckily, that’s the exception and not the rule….I think.

I admit, way back when, I actually did take the time to at least scroll through these “Terms of Service.”

I was so paranoid about internet scams and other intrusions into my privacy I wanted to make sure phrases such as “You agree to allow us to choose your style and brand of underpants and to publish and disclose said style and brand to whatever public forum and or governmental agencies at our discretion, without notice and or liability herewith.”

I can’t say I ever came across such a phrase, but I did stop buying my Fruit of the Looms on line and now only pay cash to the guy who sells them behind the railroad trestle, downtown…two cities over…just in case

Can’t be too careful.

But, for the most part, like most of you, I pretty much trust that these “Terms of Service” are legit and purely a formality.


I mean a big multi-gazillion corporation isn’t going to try to take advantage of me…is it?

Just like those nice pharmaceutical conglomerates that promise to take care of my excess ear hair problem, which I developed while trying to take care of my scaly toe problem, which I developed while trying to take care of my low self-esteem problem, with a simple little pill that if used as directed, may or may not make me more susceptible to stroke, heart attack, bleeding, nausea, diarrhea, mood swings, thoughts of suicide and singing inappropriate songs while checking out more than 12 items at the Supermarket Express Lane.

I mean at least they’re telling me up front what, in the rarest of instances, might occur.  Besides, the stress I’ve developed worrying about my excess ear hair has already produced most of those conditions anyway. And of course they’ve provided me with that handy insert shoved way down into the bottom of the box with about another thousand potential hazards and side effects I might experience…all in the name of transparency…which is another potential side effect.

So all in all I guess we can’t say we haven’t been warned.

Besides, what’s a body part or first born among friends?

Sure, we should be more attentive to the things we agree to, but who has time, let alone the eyes to read all that fine print?

If you can’t trust your social media, bank, on-line shopping venue or cable company of choice…not to mention your Aunt Edna’s Macramé Photo Club…who can you trust?

I mean it’s not like they’re really gonna try to bury anything in there that will make those things one sided or anything.


Okay…have to go. The light on my Chicken Salad with pickle is just perfect.

Gotta get that posted…..


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