Pundtificating

I’m thinking of becoming a pundit.

For real….

It looks like a pretty cushy job.

And I’m all in favor of cushy.

Plus I think there’s a lot of coffee and danish involved.

You just go from current event show to current event show on any and all of the thousand all day news channels and “Pundtificate” on things.

See I just made up a new word.

It’s probably already gone viral.

So I’m more than qualified.

And as a pundit I’d only have to dress from the waist up, which suits my lifestyle.

See, how I used suits while referring to dress.

Witty.

Pundity.

The more obscure your pundit opinions are, the better.

Mostly because pundits are not really required to have any direct knowledge on the topic at hand.

They just have to sound like they do.

Kind of what I’m doing now.

I can talk about the economy…I’m for it.

Healthcare…I’m cool with it.

The President…sometimes yes…sometimes no.

Congress…on the fence.

Too much spending…who doesn’t?

Entitlement…who isn’t?

Of course it helps if you have some sort of  pundit “thing” that makes you appear a little quirky and eccentric, to set you apart from the other pundits.

Wearing bow ties is good.

Even better if you wear them someplace other than your neck.

Suspenders are excellent in this regard. Suspenders somehow make you look elitist smart and down to earth, all at the same time.

Snapping them at the end of every sentence… better.

Snapping them on the guy sitting next to you… even better.

Odd eyewear…nice.

Odd eyewear with fake bushy eyebrows and a fake big nose…nicer.

Odd eyewear with real bushy eyebrows and a real big nose…nicer still.

Smoking a pipe used to be a good look for a pundit, but that won’t fly any more.

William F. Buckley used to have his ever present pencil.

But these kinds of emphatic phallic symbolisms aren’t quite as potent anymore when it comes to hitting the nail on the head.

So I’m thinking Twizzlers.

Kind of like a pencil and I can put it my mouth—when it’s not occupied by one or both of my feet— and they taste good too...the Twizzlers, not my feet

Or I could go with a variation and break out the string licorice. Then I could do all sorts of things while making my points…knots, braids, animal shapes...even whips

If you’re really a good pundit you could end up with your own pundit show, where you talk to other pundits.

You could even have a pundit sidekick…or even better, a regular pundit panel.

And it doesn’t matter if you’re opinions are consistent or inconsistent…or somewhere in-between the two.

As long as you sound decisive on any given day.

Because indecisiveness is deadly for a pundit.

Maybe…I’m not sure. But it could be…unless it’s not.

Not that it matters, because no one is really paying attention to what you have to say anyway, mostly because they’re busy eating their cereal and reading the paper, forming their own opinions.

Or more likely, they’re just passing through on the way to finding what channel “I Dream of Jeanie” is on. 

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