Friday, May 10, 2013

Without Moms

Mother’s Day is upon us and it’s time to show our appreciation to the one person in the whole world to whom we literally owe everything.

I mean, aside from my banker.

Without Moms none of us would be here, except possibly my third cousin—twice removed, yet always returns—who we suspect is an extraterrestrial, mostly because of his odd middle toes.

But I digress.

Without Moms none of us would know the joy of a Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich…even if it didn’t travel well in a brown paper bag that you sat on in 3rd grade, on an 85 degree day in May.  It was still made with love and still delicious despite its odd coloring and peculiar shape.

Without Moms we would still be walking around with runny noses, even as adults, who may or may not sometimes use their sleeve to stem the tide.

Without Moms we would still be wearing mismatched socks…or wearing them a lot more frequently than we do now.

Without Moms we would never change our underwear…or learned that changing with your cousin still doesn’t count.

Without Moms we would be deaf from all the loud music that she turned down, after we turned it up, and she turned it back down, and we turned it back up, and she turned it back down….

Without Moms we would all have ruined eyes from watching too much TV, too close to the screen, in the dark.

Without Moms our faces would be frozen in hideous contorted shapes...forever…not just on holidays spent with our in-laws.

Without Moms we would never know the healing power of the miraculous mercurochrome bunny on our knee...or our elbow…or…well, you don’t need to know about that place, since it was an isolated incident…really.

Without Moms we would never have understood that we would never learn, never change, never grow up, and never know where the hamper was.

Without Moms we would always ruin our dinner.

Without Moms we wouldn’t even know how to eat our dinner; at least like a human, who knows the proper way to hold a fork, at least in public.

Without Moms we would forget out heads
if they weren't attached to our bodies…or at least we would never have thought of that concept.

Without Moms we would have never stopped fidgeting…or at least cut back.

Without Moms we would have never known who Ish Kabibble was, because, apparently, that’s who we looked like when we needed a haircut…sometimes still do.

Without Moms we would never have had the soundtrack from “The Way We Were” permanently etched into our prefrontal cortex.

And without Moms we would have had to walk a lot more, missed a lot more school, never have graduated, never have gone to college, never been fed, never had a roof over our head, never have been warm, never been nursed back to health with ginger ale and crackers, never have felt safe and never have understood unconditional love….even after discovering that mysterious dent that appeared on the fender of her brand new car, coincidentally on the first day you received your driver’s license.

Even then….

Without Moms we would never have had a lot of things and we would never be sure of a lot of things, today.

Except one….

What it means to be home….


If you enjoy the Retort, please click "Like" on the FLR Facebook Page

If you don't like it, please click the same button...but with a negative attitude.

Or you can just

Tolerate the Retorts on Facebook if "Like" is too much of a commitment



  1. OH, that's a good one, Brian. And without moms we wouldn't have those weirdo siblings, who turned out to be pretty good friends later on. Much later on.

    1. Thanks, Joan, as always! And have a Happy Mom’s Day yourself….

  2. Thank you. I received yellow and pink lilies in a box that I defy you to lay flat for recycling. Worse than folding a map. But I did it, even though it had compartments, one for the long-stemmed flowers, and one for the vase. I wonder who is genius enough to design such a box, which no doubt lay flat in the warehouse, but is a doozy to maneuver flat again. Well, I guess you probably could do it, as you are heading toward geniusdom. Sort of. Maybe. Your mother would say so, I'm sure. Geniusdom??

    1. Perhaps you meant genius-dumb, which my mom would say is much more apt since it come more easily....

  3. What a wonderful tribute to Moms everywhere, Brian! That's so funny, I remember the reference to Ish Kabibble, too! Never knew who he was - thought perhaps he lived down the street from us on Hobart....

    1. I think my mom may have dated him in HS...not sure. Thanks, Pami! Hope you had a nice Mom day yourself....

  4. love it! was ish kabibble legendary?

    1. Thanks, Nic..
      Was ish kabibble legendary?
      If you have to ask....

    2. i ask bc i think my mom said it also.... or maybe my gram...

  5. Ish was a very popular character, at least with the Kat Kaiser set.... Joan might be able to fill us in a little better.


Retort to the Retort -

“Is there anybody alive out there…”