Friday, January 9, 2015

Not January’s Fault

January can’t help but feel a bit schizophrenic.

There are those who look upon January as a brave white knight, riding into town to save the day.

Others—not saying who—look upon January as a bad night on the town, capped off by a stepped in pile of horse poop, left behind by the mounted policeman who recently reminded you that pants are a required wardrobe accessory while strolling down Main Street, even if it is after midnight.

So January doesn’t really know what to think.

Adulation here….

Disdain there….

60 degrees here….

6 degrees there….


So what’s a month to do…especially the first month of every year?

I had heard rumors that January was lobbying hard with April to swap places, just on a trial basis—or at least that’s what January wanted April to think.

Everyone loves April, but it can be a little schizophrenic in its own right…sometimes even more extreme than January.

80 degrees here….

28 degrees there….

Beach Day today….

Snow shoveling tomorrow….

Yet no one ever criticizes April; no…not April. April comes along with spring and everyone loves spring.

So people look the other way and  let April slide, blaming all the inconsistencies on the quirky weather when things gets a little whacky.

Like January has control over its weather?

Do you think January likes being cold and bleak?
No...but that's just how it was raised.

And January hears all the whispers…notices the abruptly halted conversations whenever it walks into the coffee room.

“Ugh…January can’t end soon enough if you ask me.”

“I know…January starts off with a hangover and ends with nothing but icy sidewalks and dead car batteries.”

I spent a week in Cabo last January, and their January is so much nicer than our January.

Our January sucks!

Try living with that year after year.


But April’s no fool…so to speak.  Why would April ever consider swapping places with January?

“Come on…it’s great. You come in with a bang…everybody’s celebrating…they can’t wait to start the new year!”

“New Year, sure…for a couple of days.  But no one’s all that thrilled with January after that.  After that, people start dreaming of me, April.  Why would I ever give that up?”

“I’ll throw in some cash …and mittens. Mittens…I’ll throw in some mittens.”

“Thanks, but no thanks.  I’m fine where I am.  I’ve always been more of a spring than winter kind of month.”

And so it goes with January.

Even February—January’s brother in “wary months”—has it better, without even counting all the Valentines.

“Only 28 days to get through in February…then we March into spring!”

So keep this in mind when you start coming down so hard on January.

It’s just a month like any other month…icy cold wind, frozen sidewalks, roads and tootsies aside.

If you pick it, does it not bleed, if you tickle it does it not laugh….?

Well of course not…it’s just a month…how silly is that?

Just bundle up, sit by the fire and enjoy your hot toddy…unless that sort of thing is still illegal where you live….

Its January…be nice and enjoy it. 

It’s not January’s fault.

Crap…it’s snowing again….


Have you picked up my new book “The Kingdom of Keys”?
No....what's up with that???
Better hurry before they're ALL GONE...which is a lie because they'll never be all gone...never....

So why not buy one just to reward my forthrightness..ness...ness?

You might even enjoy it.

And spread the word...cuz nobody else is....

Just sayin....
Available now at -  Click Here

And while your at it

Like" the Retorts on Facebook 



  1. i've always loved january... it's the quiet after the chaos, and the snow has a way of slowing us all down in such a wonderful way.... wish it woudl have snowed all day today!!

    1. Very poetic Nicole, I liked your line "it's the quiet after the chaos, and the snow has a way of slowing us all down in such a wonderful way". Well! you surely a very positive person and obviously good with a shovel. ;-)

    2. thank you, mr letts... i am on shoveling hiatus for a few weeks but my oldest was nice enough to clear the driveway.. well, a little guilt trip goes a long way.

    3. What'd you do...fall off your stationary bike chasing Mr. Grohl???

    4. that's VERY observant of you, brian!

  2. Good article Brian it reminded me of that song from Paul Simon April Come She will:- April, come she will. When streams are ripe and swelled with rain. Don't tell January.

    1. BTW, your FB comment/Rhyme the other day inspired me to write it's all your fault--

      "January days like acid dissolve, bringing one down in spite of resolve. Promises floated high among merry turned sour in a soup of sad holly berry. That's winter for you, avoidance and endurance and roll on spring."

    2. Consider it a circular reference then as I get a bunch of prompts from your stuff anyway. Here we are on opposite tides enjoying a paddle in each others waves. :-)

  3. Thanks, boys and girls!
    Nicole, is very optimistic, Not the most optimistic person I know as they tend to come out of the woodwork to try and challenge me--I must be on the cover of their newsletter--but certainly right up there. annoying....

    1. i know i crossed your path for a REASON!

  4. I liked "the quiet after the chaos" too. Quite apt, Nicole (the (Opimist Cover Girl)

  5. Great interaction going on here "Comments Count" and "Ideas Matter"


Retort to the Retort -

“Is there anybody alive out there…”