Friday, October 16, 2015

Of Leaf Blowers and Men

It’s fall, which means its leaf blower season.

But when isn’t it leaf blower season?

In the height of summer when there’s nary a wayward leaf to be found, a gaggle of landscapers whoosh away worms, ants or anything else they can or can’t see, including small pets and wayward children, off the affluent lawns left in their charge.

Even in winter, some Yo Yos are out blowing snow off their sidewalks.

But fall...fall is when the leaf blowers really come out in force, attacking in coordinated precision each leaf before it even touches down onto a single bend of grass.

I must admit to possessing one of these man toys, myself; although mine is more of the electric mamby pamby variety, rather than the total strap on macho man power machine. I tried one of these monsters once, but the recoil kept blowing me into my neighbor’s pachysandra.   

So I decided I was better suited for a little less horsepower. I plug mine in then traipse around the lawn with a length of extension cord stretching from here to Kansas...and back, tangled around my feet,

But it does the job at not even close to the decibel level raised by the platoon of professional blowers across the street.

And don’t think for a second there isn’t some degree of competiveness involved.

The pros next door sneer and I’m pretty sure make nasty comments about me, to which I respond in kind...but, luckily, none of us hears anything other than the 115 decibels of amped up, tunnelfied wind.

Of course, I only use my leaf blower sparingly. I wait until all 305,684 leaves on my big silver maple—most of which I know by name—have taken the big leap, so to speak. 

I think it’s more respectful that way, for my neighbors and the leaves.

I mean how would you like it if all your pals were hanging somewhere while you’ve already been blow to the curb and whisked away by the leaf sucker.

Yeah...I thought so.

At least this way, aside from sparing my neighbors the tiresome weekly whine of the blower, the leaves have an opportunity to reflect on the past 6 months they’ve spent together since spring, and all the good know...before they meet their mulcher.

Which is something I’m sure the guys across the street and next door and next next door and behind never consider.

Why would they...they’re just a bunch of hired blowers? 

What do they care of relationships among vascular plants? 

To these foliage mercenaries, one leaf is the same as another.

Do they really think I don’t see them when they blow their haughty little oak leaves onto my driveway, mixing them in with my mild mannered maples? 

And if you know anything about leaves you know that oak and maples have a bad history that goes back even further than their “troubles” with the sycamores.

And still the blowers blow and the decibels drone on and on and on...and on.

Gotta go....Lou and Cindy just dropped in. 

Lou’s a little on the jealous side and there’s a dogwood leaf making goo goo eyes at Cindy.

If I don’t intervene we could be in for a bushel full of trouble....



Have you picked up my new book “The Kingdom of Keys” yet?
No....what's up with that???
Better hurry before they're ALL GONE...which is a lie because they'll never be all gone...never....

So why not buy one just to reward my forthrightness..ness...ness?

You might even enjoy it.

And spread the word...cuz nobody else is....

Just sayin....
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  1. funny you mention the blowing of leaves... jessica came home from school and despite the cacophony of ear busting noise coming from the yard, she let the wookie out. of course she thought this was exceptionally funny and loves the blow dryer being blown in her face, so just imagine her excitement of two guys with giant blow dryers!

    1. You are talking about the Wookie, right?

    2. The gaggles and platoons both arrived at my door yesterday offering to blow my downed leaves clear to Kansas. Well, we are keeping our leaves, recently raked up by my son in law. I thought how nice of him. But the leaves are still there in a huge, huge pile, left there so my great granddaughter can jump in them. Now that's really nice - don't you think?.

    3. Very nice! Leaf pile jumping is one of my favorite things. Even nicer when the pile eventually blows off into my neighbor's yard!

  2. I'll tell you what the truly miraculous part of all this is- that you and your neighbours, whilst competitive, are obviously all pro the use of blowers. I suspect there are many users across the nation and elsewhere that would be exceptionally envious of your situation. Keep flying the flag for blowers and vacs!

  3. love your writing. i am use my leaf blower after returning from school.


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