Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Still Summer for Zombies

Unlike me, the Zombies across the street have definitely not embraced the fall.

In fact, they’re very much still in summer mode...which is disturbing, even in July.

You know, because of the skimpy European bathing attire they favor.

I mean, even on the best of bods, that kind of thing makes conversation, let’s say, uncomfortable...and most Zombie bods—at least what’s left of them—are far from the best of anything.

Not that, they’re to blame. Decomp will take its toll on all of us.

It’s just that, most likely, we won’t be sunbathing in the front yard well into October.

I’ve tried talking to them, despite the bathing suits, thinking maybe they’re just not as sensitive to the changing temps as the rest of us. I even threw on a bulky sweater and turtleneck, hoping they might respond to visual cues better than thermal cues...at least the ones that still have eyes.

But, to no avail.

There they were, laying out on blankets and beach chairs, sipping on margaritas as if it were 85 degrees, instead of 55.

And if you ever happen to find yourself in that particular situation, my best advice is to try and maintain eye contact instead of  wandering over to areas that tend to draw your attention...like a dangling ab muscle.

And if something should fall off...just ignore it....

Never...never...pick it up.

A big no no with Zombies...as I once found out the hard way.

I even tried playing the Halloween card, but it had little effect.

“Won’t be long now until the neighborhood's crawling with all those cute little witches and goblins, again!”

To which they only grunted and passed around another pitcher of Margs.

I’d totally forgotten how unimpressed they are with the witches and goblins, at least since last year’s holiday party at the werewolves’, because of that whole double dipping fiasco.

“So I guess you’ll be starting work on the spook house, soon,” I hinted again, knowing how much they prided themselves on being the spookiest house on the block, every Halloween.

Gus—at least I think it was Gus. Recognizing them individually has been somewhat “difficult” since 4th of July when they tried to impress everyone with that Zombie Pyramid and Fireworks routine they’d pieced together....which, while entertaining for all of us, at first, was probably not wise, since fireworks and Zombies is never a good combination, pyramid or no.

Enough said.

Anyway, Gus...I think....just pointed a thumb—one he’d found in his margarita—at the woeful condition their actual house was in, indicating they didn’t need to build a faux spook house, this year. The real house was spooky enough, as is.

And, unfortunately, he was right. Their Zombie summer slacking had taken its toll on what had once been a desirable corner plot. 

I mean, maintaining a house under the best of circumstances is an eternal endeavor...but one with an overabundance of Zombies is more than a full time undertaking.  Left to molder, even for a couple of months, it’ll go to seed in no time.

Trust me.

Just then, Cindy, the cute—as Zombies go—20 something, came out in a little French bikini number that, I have to admit, had me blushing a bit.

She passed around a plate of melon, or a substance that resembled melon, which I graciously declined, because, as in all things Zombie, it looked a little past ripe and sported an unusual smell.

“Okay, then, I guess I better get back to it,” I said.  I’d pretty much resigned myself to at least another couple of weeks of Zombie tanning, across the street.

Hey...I’d tried everything I could think of to bring them around, including digging out the old, “You know, they say too much sun isn’t good for your skin”, argument.

But you know...they’re Zombies.  They have very little regard for the condition of their skin...no matter where they got it from.

However, not wanting to leave on a sour note, I said, “So I guess I’ll see you at the Vampires, block party, next weekend.”

To which they all nodded excitedly, in agreement.

The Vampires are notorious for their batty, annual Halloween shin dig. It attracts all sorts of ghouls from near and wide, which tends to promote outrageous goings on that include lots of shaking and shimmying, which the undead are particularly partial to.

I’m just hoping the Zombies discover the concept of beach cover-ups by then.


Have you picked up my new book “The Kingdom of Keys” yet?
No....what's up with that???
Better hurry before they're ALL GONE...which is a lie because they'll never be all gone...never....

So why not buy one just to reward my forthrightness..ness...ness?

You might even enjoy it.

And spread the word...cuz nobody else is....

Just sayin....
Available now at Amazon.com -  Click Here

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