Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Christmas Cars

If you’re like me, you’ve already cranked up all your festive holiday toons. Mr. Williams is destined to belt out, every year in perpetuity:
It's the holiday season.
With the whoop-de-do and hickory dock.

And then there’s something about not forgetting to hang up your sock.
Not sure why.
I guess because it’s the holiday season.
When else would you hang up your sock?
Any other time would seem weird.
Unless you’re my Uncle Bert, who’s been known to hang up his socks and other assorted under garments in inappropriate places, on occasion.
But that’s a discussion for another day....

Today’s discussion is about the Holiday Season...and the whoop-de-do and hickory dock.
Especially the whoop-de-do and hickory dock.
Especially when you’re driving.
Especially when it’s Christmas time in the city....

Take it Andy!
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks
Dressed in holiday style
In the air there's a feeling of Christmas
Children laughing, people passing
Meeting smile after smile
And on every street corner you hear....
 A lot of people getting cranky in their cars.
I’m not saying who.
You know who you are.
In fact, no matter the season...whatever the reason...people are very brave in their crankiness in cars...especially with the windows rolled up and the radio turned up high.
Even the most mild mannered, squeaky clean among us has been known to hurl a profane invective or two through our double pained windshield when the need arises.
Season of joy, or not.
“You g*&^%$# stupid no good $%&*#@!” has been hurled by a sweet old granny or two or three or four.
“Did you ever learn about turn signals, you *&^$#@ motherless &^%$!#$!” has been said by a priest, a rabbi and a minister, probably on their way to an egg nog bar.
It’s just human nature...especially when we’re driving...especially if we’re in a hurry...especially with all the whoop-de-do and hickory dock...or not.
Unless the road more or less traveled is devoid of all other vehicles, and pedestrians, dressed in holiday style, all of them, on the way to our destination, there’s bound to be some annoyance.

Like that *&^@$ woman with the walker, who should learn how to use the thing to cross the street in less than 2 minutes.
And can she be any slower when she spills all her groceries in the crosswalk.
Is that &^#@^ guy seriously checking his text messages at the stop light after it’s turned green?
And what about that $#&)@ idiot who slams on his brake whenever the &%#^ moron crossing guard is walking school kids through the crosswalk!
Of course not all crankiness in cars is verbal.

When you’re really annoyed and want your annoyance noted, you might resort to physical gestures.
Aside from the obvious number one gesture favored by most, there is the more subtle shaking of the head, almost in pity for the dope that cuts you off by making a quick left turn in front of you while you have the right away.
That little bit of disdain probably showed him or her where he or she resides on the food chain of those who don’t deserve food....let alone tasty holiday cookies.
Of course you’ve pulled the same quick draw maneuver yourself, from time to time; especially when the oncoming traffic is backed up to the North Pole.
And that other driver you politely nudged in front of could have been more gracious and appreciated that nice little wave you offered in appreciation, instead of throwing her hands up in the air...which of course you perceived as rude...not to mention uncalled for.
I mean, you could’ve just driven off without doing anything.
Ungrateful b@$#^%!
But it’s all good.
We’re safe behind glass.
Free to vent.
Free to express our disdain for the rest of mankind and the occasional womankind.
Andy...Bing...Perry...Lady Gaga?
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring
Soon it will be Christmas Day....
Okay...sure...we don’t need to get home in time for kickoff. Take your &^%$#@ bell and walk right out into the middle of the intersection and start blowing your &%@& horn you *&#%!% loser son of an elf....
Happy Holiday
Happy Holiday
While the merry bells keep ringing
May your every wish come true....

And while I've got you in a festive holiday mood....
Looking for a fun, new Christmas Tradition to share?

"The Little Red Christmas Ball" will shine bright and hold tight for you and your family...this year and every year to come....

Now available at Amazon

And don't forget

“The Kingdom of Keys”

also available at Amazon


  1. your zombies were running amuck in trader joes today... i was actually talking to myself in disbelief... tis the season!!

    1. I take no responsibility for the behavior of Zombies, be they across the street or not....


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