There’s no way around it.
Our Christmas tree has a drinking problem.
Yeah...
So sad.
Every four hours it’s sucking down a bottle.
Every four hours.
A whole bottle.
That’s a lot.
Even for a tree that’s been cut from its roots, hauled out
of the woods and propped up and braced in a stand in my living room.
I mean, sure...on first read that might seem pretty harsh, and
maybe a good reason for excessive drinking...but come on, think about it...at
least I have cable...AND Netflix, not to mention Amazon Prime Video.
You don’t get that type of entertainment out in the woods.
Not to mention all the pretty lights and various other
holiday accoutrements.
Which I just did anyway—mention, that is—so why bother saying
I wasn’t going to—mention, that is—which, as I mentioned, I did....
But I’m getting off point and I shouldn’t, because this is
important.
Our Christmas tree has a drinking problem.
And I can’t just ignore that fact, and neither should you.
Wait...hold on. It’s demanding another bottle...another full
bottle...as we speak...and not in a polite way.
“I
just gave you a brand new bottle a couple of hours ago!”
Oh great, now it’s pulling the whole I feel my needles
drying and dropping routine.
“Okay,
Okay...relax. Here’s your new bottle!”
See? It’s really getting out of hand.
I mean, some of us even get up in the middle of the night just
to give the thing its liquid libation.
Not me, but some of us.
I stay in bed.
You think I’m gonna miss my beauty sleep over a selfish,
bottle sucking tree.
Did I mention the cable...AND Netflix AND Amazon Prime Video?
It’s even more disturbing when I find skievy old bottles
rolled into the corner, behind the tree. Bottles I KNOW are NOT from here.
I mean, who knows where those bottles came from?
And what undesirable “other”
trees brought them into my house?
They could have been Blue Spruces...or worse Douglas Firs.
Yeah...nuf said.
Do we know anything
about those “other” trees; where they
were seeded and by whom? Let alone what woods they slithered out of?
And to think all we’ve sacrificed to give this tree every
advantage of the season. Every bauble and ribbon we could afford to hang upon its
limbs.
And what do we get in return? ”I’m thirsty, keep the bottles coming...I’m thirsty.”
All day, all night...drink drink drink.
“Wait...what’s that?
You’re done...you’re filled to the Angel? You can’t drink another drop?”
Well, well, well. Maybe there are Christmas miracles after
all.
Christmas has been saved!
All is forgiven.
Out
little evergreen conifer
has come back to us.
Who has the number for Hallmark?
I see a Christmas movie of the week here.
"Oh Christmas Tree...Thirsty Christmas Tree!"
Can we get Luke Perry?
How about Tiffany Amber Thiessen.
Is Angie Dickenson still working?
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all this water and the shedding is relentless.... poor trees. they should sell them w root balls so we can plant them when we are done. (i'm sure they have that but it should be mainstream, no?)
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