Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Retortalarity Revisited

You might be wondering:

What the heck happened to “The Freelance Retort”, this summer. 

It’s gotten so much better!

Which is mostly because there hasn’t been any Freelance Retort since the end of June.

So there’s that....

But, in all likelihood, you’re probably just wondering what you should have for breakfast this morning...or lunch...or dinner...or your mid-morning/afternoon snack.

Which is what I’m doing.
I mean there are only so many Twizzlers one can stomach before you begin to Twizzle parts of you that were never meant to be Twizzled.

Not to mention the bright red tongue that seems to disturb the checker at the Mini-Mart, so much.

In any case, I’ve been taking a bit of a hiatus from all the “Retortalarity” (new word, I just made up. Gonna use it as much as I can before the Webster people call) this summer to focus on some more pressing issues.
Like whether or not two layers of #4 SPF Coppertone equal an #8 SPF...or two 8s a 16.

I’ll let you know when I have the results. So far the jury’s still out; something about sun poisoning.

I’ve also been having a lot of work done on my house, this summer; central air and an entire kitchen “Reno”.

“Reno”...that’s contractor talk for spending lots of money.

Not that I’ve been doing any actual “work” on it myself; but someone has to worry about the proper positioning of all those nails and whether or not to use the big hammer or the small hammer.
Plus the plumber keeps sending me out for Pizza.

So between the new air and the “Reno”, that’s what’s been occupying my brain these past couple of months.

That and all the other big questions we face with each passing day: Life, death, whether or not I should start watching “Game of Thrones”.

But I hope to get the “Retortalarity” up and running again, once all the distractions have been resolved...sooner or later...but more likely later.

Sorry...what can I tell you...I have a half track brain. It takes most of the morning before I can pick out socks that match.

And I don’t even wear socks in the summer.

However, if you do need a little “Retortalarity” boost before then, pick up a copy of “The Freelance Retort Unraveled”.  I’m willing to bet you’ve never read most of the earliest stories...and the ones you have were most likely so forgettable, they’ll be as “Retortalarious” as the first time you forgot them.

You’re welcome.

Plus the Amazon people have been sending me notices that I need to clear out more books because they need the shelf space for their softball team’s T-shirts.

So buy a book, spread the word—“Retortalarity”—write a review and help the softball team get their extra shelf space.  

Plus you’ll be helping me get back up to full Retortalariousness by guilting me back to the keyboard.

Gotta go...there’s a bit of ruckus going on. The electricians want pepperoni today, while the plumber wants anchovie, again.  And I think I have to go buy more screws, because the contractor keeps saying “You’re so screwed”...which he says a lot.

I guess it takes a lot of screws to “Reno” a kitchen.....


Still "fresh" in their original "absurdity"



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  1. you should be documenting that reno with lots of pictures! inquiring minds want to see. my kitchen is waiting in the wings. as for game of thrones, jeff watches religiously while i watch from afar catching glimpses of dragons and violence and chicks with perfect hair, makeup, and eyebrows in medieval times. it's all too much of a ruckus.

  2. I believe the unrelenting dragon fire assists with the perfect eye brows. There are many pics. Perhaos when the PTSD relents something will come of it. My advice to you is to just move. Re-location is easier than re-novation....

    1. i finally got a new wall oven (been broken since st patrick's day), it's coming friday. too soon (and too overwhelming on all fronts) to do the entire kitchen. can't wait to see your finished product!


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