Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Skinny Jeans

My skinny jeans are giving me trouble.

Mostly because I‘m not that skinny.

I can’t feel my legs anymore.

I mean I know they’re still there…I can see the tips of my toes.

Sort of….

If I bend way over and peek…without tipping over.

Then I can see my toes.

Sort of….

So I know my legs are still where they’re supposed to be.

I just can’t feel them.

Because of the skinny jeans thing.

Apparently this is a pretty common problem in the skinny jean community.

According to this recent article in the NY Daily News, doctors are warning that the skinny jeans fad can have painful side effects that can cause nerve damage if your pants are too tight. Tingling and numbness are symptoms of the condition meralgia paresthetica that occurs when the nerve that runs down the front of the thigh is compressed. 

I hate that.

These doctors, who I guess specialize in the field of pants, called “Pantology”, suggest that we “fashion-forward” types use common sense if we suddenly can’t feel our legs. Their sage advice is…“Switch to a larger size”.

So all those medical school loans were well spent on coconuts.

I had this same problem with my hats.

My skull was getting numb.

So I stopped wearing hats.

Cuz once my skull was numb I couldn’t think of any other way.

But I don’t think I can stop wearing pants.

Not if that same judge has anything to say about it.

So I guess I’ll just start wearing bigger jeans.

I was causing too many accidents with the old ones anyway.

I’d be walking down the street, minding my own business and people would stop their cars and point.

Some would even honk their horns…and then point.

I mean I understood it…but it was tough to put up with.

But I guess it comes with the territory.

People just are drawn to a sleek, cool, sexy look…

Just like the song says “It’s the look you want to know better….”

“The look that’s all together.”


So they point…and take pictures…and videos.

And I know they’re having a good time…because of all the laughing.

So it kind of makes me feel good to help them with that.

Even if I can’t feel my legs…or my stomach. Or sit down.

And once the nausea passes most of the people get back in their cars and drive away.

Probably to go buy their own skinny jeans.

But you have to be careful when you’re buying skinny jeans; not everyone can pull them off.

Or pull them on….

Just like my skinny jeans…..

Now I can’t feel my chest…or my arms. I guess because of my skinny shirt.

I better loosen the Velcro….


  1. ha ha but don't lie. Anyone can tell you're not fat !

  2. I wear skinny jeans because regular ones result in droopy drawers. I could put the contents of a whole box of Kleenex in the back pockets. Oh wait - include the box. But the skinny jeans - there's no space for just one Kleenex ANYWHERE.


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