The Freelance Retort: T-Day…Minus Two and Counting

Just a couple of days to T-Day, around these parts, which means lots of the 4 F’s to be thankful for…Family, Food, Fun and Festivity.

Yep, a real F’n good time to be had by everyone.

Wait…that sounds weird.

Sorry….

Anyway, Thanksgiving is looming large right now, just like all those Turkey’s taking up much needed space in refrigerator’s all across the country…unless you’re like me and prefer them really, really fresh and have to chase them around the muddy backyard just before dinner.

This year, as in most years, we’ll be spending the holidays with Z’s very large, very boisterous family in Connecticut.

I know that sounds very “Hallmarky”, but in truth, Connecticut is really, pretty much, just across the street…then over the river and through the woods.

So it’s not one of those big family gatherings that require a sleepover or shared family toothbrushes. Although many of the guests will be asleep in front of the TV long before desert is served. However, everyone usually wakes up long before the sun rises, and they rarely brush their teeth…and if they do, they use the dog’s.

I’ve made fun in the past about my low status on the “in-law” totem pole on these occasions, and the scut work that’s usually assigned to me before I’m allowed to dive for scraps with the other in-laws, outside the kitchen door…but I usually make most of that up, in the name of comedic hi-jinx.

Truth is, the other in-laws don’t have to dive for scraps…just me, but that’s only because it usually takes me longer than planned to get all the cars washed…so there’s no one to blame but myself.

At least that’s what Z always tells me on the way home…but only if she lets me ride in the car with her.

I’m kidding! Kidding, kidding, kidding….

Z always lets me ride in the car with her.

Who else knows all the words to Garth Brook’s Christmas CD?

Who else constantly carries an original copy, plus two backups on their person at all time?

Who…?

Again…I jest. It’s really nowhere near as bad as I make it out to be…again, in the name of comedic hi-jinx.

The family, as large as it was originally, has actually grown in numbers over the recent years.

And the folks well under 40 have actually over taken those well over 50, at least in numbers.

But they still have trouble keeping up with us in the traditional leg wrestling competition…mostly because we have the “Chief” on our side,whose one leg is pretty much bigger than the rest of us combined.

But he walks a lot….

And this year there’s even a brand new addition to the family, in the form of a brand new great niece.

Which actually is great news for me, since, even though she’s an actual blood relative, I’m pretty sure I can trick her into washing at least half of the cars with me…at least the first year, before she realizes she doesn’t have to.

I’ve already gotten her suited up in the same car washing outfit I wear…which to be honest is surprisingly comfortable.

I know…you think I’m terrible for taking advantage of a one month old…and maybe I am…but I have to; these people wise up pretty fast…especially nephew Matt, who quit on me as soon as I ran out of beer.

But that was better than niece Emily, who wouldn’t even work for beer…only Vodka…and not just any Vodka...it had to be the good Vodka, on the rocks with a twist.

And I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that was never gonna happen…not the way these people tip.

All in all, it’s shaping up to be a good Thanksgiving, so I really can’t complain.

I mean, really…I can’t complain…or else they’ll hide the scraps again, just like they did that other year, when I brought that cheap K-Mart Vodka.

I’m not making that mistake again…not if I don’t want to chase down that Turkey in the mud again.