Friday, January 15, 2016

Lackadaisical Listening

I sometime get accused of not listening.

Which I think is a bit unfair.

I listen fine.

I just don’t always pay most of it.

Like if someone is telling me about their gall bladder procedure.

I think....

I’m not really sure, know.

Or about their plans for the weekend, which may or may not include me.

If they include me, I try to listen...a little bit.

So I know where to go and when and whether or not I’m supposed to wear the bear costume. 

If they don’t include me then I pretty much tune out and resume wondering when new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy are going to start again.

When a phone conversation opens with—“I have to tell you about a funny show I saw.”—I’ll just go to mute and finish my crossword.

Or someone might say—“I just went to the doctor and he told me—”

It’s probably time to check my horoscope and read up on yet another mercury retrograde.

Kind of rude...I know.

I hate it when people do it to me.

And they do...I know they do.

Because they’re using the same tricks on me that I use on them.

I’m sure you do it don’t pretend to be so indignant.

Like if in the middle of a long winded story the teller, suddenly stops and says... “You know?”

You simply respond, “Mmmm Hmmmm”.

Then they pick right back up again and you go back to your macramé instructions.

Sometimes you may have to get a little more creative, like when they throw a “What do you think of that?” at you. In these situations I’ll usually fall back on the always reliable... “Wow...”

And of course, there’s always... “No Kidding?”

Or...“Really”...which is a good one because you can actually use it as both a statement or a question, which comes in handy when you’ve totally lost all sense of context.

“Right” is never wrong...cuz who doesn’t want to hear they’re right?

“That’s so funny”...always seems to fit...most of the time.

If on the rare occasion you sense it doesn’t fit, all you need do is quickly add... “I mean in the tragic sense, of course...”

Usually they’ll think they’ve missed the subtle irony you’ve proffered, so in order to not appear dull and clueless, they’ll just move on to the next part of the story, which you probably should listen to, at least a little bit, because there’s bound to be some mention of what to do in lieu of flowers.

Every once in a while the story teller might make things a little tricky by asking what you would have done in that which all you have to say is... “I can’t imagine”...which is true since you really don’t know what they’ve been talking about for the last 35 minutes.

If they press you on it with, “Oh come on, you must have some opinion....” then you might have to bring out... “I really don’t know how to answer that since these things tend to be so subjective...”

To which you’re hoping to hear back in return... “Sighhhh, I know...”

Which is good, since someone should know...because you sure don’t....

Know what I’m saying....?

Yeah...I know....“Wow”.....


Have you picked up my new book “The Kingdom of Keys”?
No....what's up with that???
Better hurry before they're ALL GONE...which is a lie because they'll never be all gone...never....

So why not buy one just to reward my forthrightness..ness...ness?

You might even enjoy it.

And spread the word...cuz nobody else is....

Just sayin....
Available now at -  Click Here

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  1. I love this one! Nothing is worse than yipyap, and anyone who says otherwise is lying. Or the one doing the yipyapping. :-)

  2. Oh this is so true! I'm usually the listener because all my friends are such talkers, but it's a good time to multi task by doing my nails or brushing up on my Spanish. Sometimes I just mute them and have another conversation with someone else. If they wonder where you are, you just say something must have happened to your phone...that's always a good one...except if you're video chatting...

    1. Wow! Actually video chatting adds a whole other dimension. In those cases I actually leave my body behind, usually nodding, while I go work on my popsicle stick collection....

  3. talk the talk and yip the yap.... it's all good, unless you fall asleep. jeff says i have a sign on my head that says, "talk to me"... but i don't mind, unless i'm looking for a restroom.

  4. I can't imagine....
    Yes, rest room talking usually has it's own case number assigned...

    1. the kids like to hear about who i "run" into throughout the day.... ;0) maybe i'm the yipyapper...

    2. Well, it's gonna last forever, or maybe it will go away tomorrow. My cousin Ernie had it, and ...


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