Monday, June 27, 2011

AARP - Fix the Glitch!

AARP Has a Glitch.

They've mistaken me for some kind of an "old" person and keep sending me information on how to go quietly into my goodnight... on water skis.

Granted, I'm  not as young a "pup" as I used to be, but I still have a few stops to make before I get to 60; even though its close enough to bump my head on it every time I sneeze…that is unless I throw my back out.

We told ourselves, 40 was the new 50. 50 the new 40…and now, well, even the thought of 60…is just damn depressing.

Unless you're 65 or 70, let alone 80-90-100…I think you get the point.

People live a lot longer these days. Getting to 100 isn’t the big thing it used to be. The Centurion softball league is having trouble finding fields for all its teams to play on this year. And forget about umpires. Who wants to argue with a 105 year old over balls and strikes, let alone tell him that touching second base with his walker doesn’t count…not until you get into the over 110 league.

My plan has always been to live until 120.  Then I decided I wanted to be around for the tri-centennial, so I upped it to 123. I figured it would be cool to have Willard Scott interview me on the today show. And I’m looking forward to the fireworks.

Sure, 60 is looming, but for the most part I feel great! Just like I did in my 20s and 30s.

It’s always been normal for me to jump out of bed in the morning and walk around the house like Groucho Marx for half an hour, give or take.  And that excess patch of hair in my ears, that I have to comb every day, is just a reserve to replace the ones missing from my head…when the time is right. And yeah, I do have to pee again…what’s your point?

To be honest, I even had a tough time turning 20. 

“My growth plates are frozen!”

30-  “I can’t be trusted anymore!”

40-  “What do you mean my knee bends the wrong way?”

50-  “AARP can get me a great deal on Depends!”

At least we don’t look as old as our parents and grandparents did at our age…right?

I mean remember how grey and wrinkled they looked to us back then with our sharp 25 year old eyes.

We look in the mirror and we look nothing like they did; even in their 40s.

But do you think that has something to do with the fact that our eyes are pretty much shot to shinola now and have a way of airbrushing our view?

            We think we look this…. 


But to a teenager we look like this….

And the hardest thing—the hardest lesson— about getting old, is seeing those before us, whom we once knew only as “young", turn "old".  
"So that's where old people come from...."

When you’re a kid, the roles are clear.

There’s you – young.

There’s your parents- old.

There’s your grandparents- really old.

And sometimes your great grandparents – really really old.

Those were the actors in place when you walked on stage and their roles were ever so.

But as you get older those roles change.

Everyone gets pushed up by the eager generation behind.  Suddenly the babies are 30 and the kids are 40, claiming that 40s the new 20.

But that’s the beauty of where I am now. The beauty of 50 and beyond. 

At 50 and beyond, I’ve covered enough distance that I can stand on a bit of a high hanging ledge and look back at where I was, and see how far I've come.

And the view ain’t half bad.

I’m actually wiser and healthier…but definitely not wealthier. 

Being wiser, I look back and see the changes that took place behind me, and the changes taking place in front of me.  I appreciate that change is the only constant to be counted.  And I'm sage enough to understand that while dreams are just dreams, they are the food that fuel our youth.

And I also see that where we are is where were supposed to be, and what we look like today, is what we were always supposed to look like, and the fact that were actually here to do that…today and hopefully tomorrow, is every dream come true. 

The young have energy and dreams. Hard bodies and a sense of invulnerability…not to mention a sense that their parents will continue to pay their cell phone and credit card bills on into perpetuity.

We have caffeine and contentment. Creping skin and life insurance. Name tags so we don't forget our friends names at parties. Mortgages, one two and three...and don't forget...AARP!

But most of all we have wisdom…to see the trail behind with a sizable measure of “youth” to tackle the trail ahead.

And that’s a pretty cool thing. 

And if my knee would stop barking....

And if AARP would fix the glitch in their mailing list....

But that really is a good deal on the Depends…and it never hurts to plan ahead….

Tolerate me on Facebook—"Like" is much too much of a commitment—



  1. thats hilarious. I thought I was the only one. I started getting the AARP cards in the mail at 38, and thought i *might* be able to use them for cheaper train or movie tickets.

    now they wont leave me alone. they sure do send alot of spam, those AARP folks!

  2. Thanks Todd, If you start to feel old I find it nice to go to the supermarket and buy beer. You could be 95 and they still insist on seeing ID.

    And yes, civil war veteran cards are still valid.

  3. Oh, and thanks for becoming my second follower. I hope the line at the door wasn’t too long.

    Tell your friends and tell your friends to tell their friends and their friends friends. And especially tell people that aren’t your friends. Cuz why should they get a free pass.

    Eventually I hope to get enough followers so I can start my own church and take the tax exemption.


Retort to the Retort -

“Is there anybody alive out there…”