Thursday, June 16, 2011

Mountain Lion Mystery Solved! (Definitely NOT The News)

This whole Mountain Lion thing is turning into an Area 51 type story.

Officials seem very evasive as to what's really going on.

The Unofficials are even more uncertain.

Is the Greenwich Mountain Lion one & done…or are there more around? 
The Connecticut State Department of Environmental Protection’s police unit say it is…but yet there are “sightings” of other Mountain Lion type creatures all around the area. 

Kind of like a Big Foot deal.

Of course, there are some so called “Mountain Lion death photos” floating around, purporting to be the actual Mountain Lion, spread out on the side of the Wilbur Cross parkway.

As is my policy, I’m not going to display these photos, since I’m afraid it will only enrage and incite the said to be, closely knit Mountain Lion community into taking retaliatory action against drivers of SUVs...though  most of them would probably be  too busy talking on their cell phones to notice. 

The investigation by the  DEP is said to include the “conducting of  tests, analyzing paw prints”—just like on CSI, except in this case instead of AFIS, they need to use APIS, which of course stands for Automated Pawprint Identification System—“and scat samples” (you’re on your own with that one).  I guess to determine if this is indeed the one and the same alleged, illegal, Greenwich Mountain Lion.  I say illegal because The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service declared the eastern mountain lion to be extinct. 

But apparently, no one told the Mountain Lions.

The DEP also said they are…“actively investigating this case as a violation of Connecticut laws.”

Because apparently existing when you’ve been declared extinct is a crime in the Nutmeg State...unless you're Regis.

And while state officials are insisting that…”there is no native population of mountain lions in Connecticut,” residents in the Greenwich area and in the state are being advised “to use precaution, and to keep small animals and children inside…”

Okay…but if…?

Then why…?

In addition, the state agency has said that anyone who sees anything that looks like a mountain lion should call the DEP hotline, which, I can tell you, has been nothing short of a major nuisance for my Aunt Franny from Danbury, who, in her mid-40’s, developed  a rare condition that led to the formation of unusually large jowls, which, in the early 80’s, necessitated a painful series of plastic surgeries, and ever since has been said to resemble an intermediate sized Feline.

Authorities also confirmed that the dead animal, who was male, “was not neutered, had no collar, was not declawed and was, through a “cursory examination,” noted to be a lean mountain lion, and not out of shape in any way…”

Which proves that the he was definitely not  married ….

So here’s where I come down on all of this, and what the hush hush is all about.

What the government agencies are not saying and don’t wan’t you to know is that these Mountain Lions have long been living, discreetly, in previously unsalable Co-ops, right here, in the wooded suburbs of New York City.  And for decades, by necessity, they’ve learned to blend in amongst us.

Their cubs attend the same schools as your kids….

Play on the same soccer teams….

They shop at the same supermarket and complain about the poor selection of small mammals available in the meat department, just like you and I.

Sit next to you on the train as they commute to the city, almost giving themselves away by sometimes wearing suits on casual Friday.

So that’s the big secret.  The big cover-up the government doesn’t want you to know.

The Mountain lion isn’t extinct. It isn’t new to this area.  It’s here…it’s been here…and it’s going to stay here. 

The Mountain Lion is just the weird kid with the funny whiskers and sharp teeth that’s taking your daughter to Prom. 

You just assumed he was British….

 Definitely NOT The News...


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  1. Love this one! Them blending in and living in the unsellable co-ops. best line of all: you just thought he was British - great ending!

  2. Hey you're my first ever comment! Where do I send the check?

    PS - The comment tool on Blogger leaves a lot to be desired.

  3. Trust no one.

    I've heard stories of cougars (in road pizza form) being seen, and then mysteriously disappearing within the hour. How many other carcasses get cleaned up that fast in CT?

    Its a cover-up, and I think it goes the whole way to the state capital. Follow the money!

  4. Thanks for the comment, Mulder.

    I agree with you completely. In fact it took them nearly 3 days to scrape my Uncle Henry off of the Wilbur Cross after he went back to pick up his dentures during rush hour. How he dropped his dentures out of the car is still a mystery. However, the woman he met at Mohegan Sun that day, and was driving home, said it had something to do with a bad jar of Jiffy Peanut butter….

    And I always follow the money, though I rarely catch it.

  5. I looked out a back window and to my amazement stalking through the taller grass was the slinking black figure of a great cat of some kind. A Panther running loose? Who knows these days what with all the mental cases buying up animals no person should ever have. What, no ban on non-native species yet? Everyone should have a chimpanzee, a Cobra, or a Gaboon Viper - it's the American way, besides, we have so little enough industry left in this country pet shops may save us yet. I'm betting my pet stock money on the tried and true - budgies. Anyway, I kept my eye on this suspicious creature and even managed to fish out my digital camera. I got a good shot of the bugger and to my astonishment it turned out to be a neighbor's cat. It's amazing how big they look in the wild!

  6. Great writing! I reported a mountain lion to Massachussets authorities about Feb 2011 or 2012 sighted 1 mile from Worcester city line on I290 at about 2am. There is a State Park at that Boylston location. I was driving an 18 wheeler and seeing a mountain lion that extended from the left to the right of the lane indicates that it was at least 12 feet from tail to front claws was quite interesting. Fortunately, the cat moved very rapidly. I was about 30 feet away moving at 60MPH toward him. The jowls were the most interesting item for me- they reminded me of a Pit Bull's jaws. I had heard about Greenwich's sightings about a month earlier. I found links that indicate that they have been brought back from extinction by a program to reintroduce predators such as fisher cats (also saw one of those) to keep the deer population and other aspects of the environment healthy. It also is interesting to see videos of some domesticated ones that are very much like pet tabby cats.


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