Friday, June 10, 2011

Killing Time in a Politically Correct World

One of the tougher things about freelancing from home is finding things to do when you’ve finished up whatever it was you were previously doing. 

Make sense? 

To another freelancer it will.  You see, even when we’re actually working on some project or another, we’re also involved in other mundane minutiae at the same time.  There could be plants being watered as we’re waiting for phone calls or e-mails to be returned.  Pencils being sharpened as you listen to a client going on and on about how they would like to see the project develop, while all the while you’ve already written it. Or even sewing your lips together while an account executive tells you to take out all the best punch lines because they’re “Politically Incorrect”.  

Political Correctness is a must for all corporate communications.  One must not risk offending any group whatsoever because…well, because it’s politically incorrect. And as far as casting a corporate video …well, again, right there, you’re talking about a whole other ball of wax; which I probably shouldn’t say, because I may be offending people with chronic ear wax disease.

I tell myself, whenever I take the time to listen, that one of these days I’m going to write a role for a CEO who’s a slightly grey haired, African American, Hispanic, woman in a wheel chair, named Betty Fujimoto who likes animals and small children and drives a Ford.  She would be the perfect corporate representative!   But I’m sure someone would tell me that the dog and Chevy people might be offended so we should probably think about changing it or, at the least, shoot it several different ways….

But again…I digress. This isn’t about doing actual work; it’s about killing time in between doing actual work. And to tell the truth, I’m like the “Schwarzenegger" of time killers. And again, the bells are ringing saying I shouldn’t say “Schwarzenegger” because obviously killing time in his particular manner is definitely incorrect, politically or not.

The point of all this is…and don’t worry I’m getting there (see what I mean about killing time)…the point is that, for the next few days, I will be sorely tested, as my wife has gone off to Chicago to visit with some of her 4,000 relatives (Irish Catholic…what can I tell you… Oops!) and left me to my own devices; some of which are still illegal in several southern states (Damn…again!). 

But I’ve managed to keep busy. So far I’ve already dug up all the impatiens and marigolds and rearranged them so that they suggest the shapes of small woodland creatures and therefore  better coordinate with the subtle nuances of light reflected by the bird bath on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. 
Damn this eye of mine!

I’ve rotated the wall to wall carpeting and in some cases turned it inside out so it’ll wear longer.  I’ve also been experimenting with the plumbing.   Who says water and gas can’t come from the stove and sink at the same time? 

Speaking of plumbing, I’m going to have to call my plumber since there seems to be something wrong with the laundry system.  I keep putting my dirty clothes in the hamper but the clean, pressed and folded clothes are not appearing in my dresser drawers’ or closet, one or two hours later, as is usually the case. 

Weird, huh?

I’ve also got a call into the electrician ‘cause my coffee maker doesn’t seem to be making the coffee in the morning…and no matter how long I wait at the table, my dinner isn’t showing up.  So something is definitely out of whack around here.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. I’m going to start reorganizing the linen closet.  I think the towels will look much better rolled into balls, and who says the top sheet has to match the bottom?  And don’t get me started on those pillow cases! 

Oh look….the neighbor’s cat just walked across my deck.  I wonder just how many ways there really are to….

Oh, come on…give me a break. I haven’t made even one tiny Weiner reference.
Did I offend anyone?

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