Cockeyed Optimist

To those who know me best, I'm sure this statement will elicit many snickers and tongue bites throughout the land.

But still...I'm gonna say it....

I' m definitely not a pessimist.

Okay...now that you've got it out of your system, settle down and let me explain.

I’m really a cockeyed optimist...a glass half full kind of guy…but one who mostly sits around bemoaning the fact that, of course, now the ice cubes have melted.

So there’s a distinction. 

Sure, my Alpha-Bits cereal regularly forms words like Woe, Doom and Pestilence, which when you think of it is really quite a feat—a positive feat—but I’m usually able to look past that and maintain a cheery outlook.  Something along the lines of, chances are I probably won’t get hit by a bus today.

So that’s positive….

In a cockeyed optimist kind of way.

Right…?

And I’m pretty sure I won’t find something odd swimming in the bottom of my soup...not two days in a row.

Yet I have to admit that I’m prone to procrastination, which I finally got around to documenting the other day.

But I only procrastinate because I’m hoping to put off the inevitable that’s inherent in whatever it is I’m procrastinating about.

It’s been suggested that I submit some of these witty works of Art—whom I'm annoyed with because he hasn't shown up in a while—to assorted periodicals with the hope of actually making a few bucks out of it.

In fact I actually sat down to do that now…but instead I’m doing this.

Mostly cuz I like to save my rejection and disappointment for the holidays.

I put off getting a haircut for 6 months because I’m certain it’s going to make me look like a dweeb.

Bingo!

I put off getting my oil changed because I expect they’re going to find out my engine is single handedly destroying the ozone layer. 

Bullseye!

I put off going to the dentist because I know he’ll discover that my teeth have an expiration date that expired 5 years ago.

Ka-ching!

So I’m just trying to avoid all that because to be honest, who wants to spoil a perfectly good day?  At least not until it’s time.

You know…?

All positive.

We bought one of those “assembly required” desks from an unnamed Swedish furniture store a while back.  Believe me, you can’t shop at a place like that and be a pessimist.

Of course, I expected the drawer knobs and half the special hardware to be missing, so I wasn’t at all surprised, let alone upset.  Besides the special Allen wrench needed to tighten the missing hardware that attached the missing drawer knobs was missing as well—also expected— so it all worked out for the best.  And now it’s easier to get to all my stuff since it’s sitting in a pile on the floor, and not stuck in the back of some drawer.

Really, who needs that…..?

I spent 90 dollars on grass seed, but I wasn’t expecting any of it to grow, mostly because I knew we would have a heat wave,  it wouldn’t rain for a month and I would put off watering it myself because I knew the nozzle on my hose was going to break. 

So that wasn’t at all disappointing.

And just because I buy lottery tickets and leave the store before they’re printed out doesn’t mean I’m sure I won’t win.  It only means I’m sure I’m gonna lose.

Another difference. 

A positive difference.

An acceptance of the inevitable.

In fact it’s what I was hoping for all along.

See…all healthy thinking!

Now the real pessimists among us…and you know who you are…will say he or she is not going to win but secretly hope they do.

The glass half empty guy will also say he’s sure it’s gonna rain on his parade, and then be disappointed when it does.

I expect it to rain and I’m happy to be proven right when it does.

But I almost never throw parades for just that reason.

So you see it’s really just a matter of attitude and outlook. I’m not a pessimist at all.

Just a cockeyed optimist who accepts his fate for what it is and knows it could be worse…and soon it probably will.

Just because the light you see at the end of the tunnel always turns out to be a train, doesn’t mean  you shouldn’t hope for the best.

It only means you should avoid train tunnels.

And hope the train is the local and not the express….but it probably is.

What else would you expect?

 

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