The Freelance Retort: The Zombies are Annoyed

So now the Zombies are annoyed with me.

Great…

Apparently they read my last story about their big heads and took offense.

Who knew they could even read?

Zombies…so sensitive.

You never hear a peep from the Vampires and nary a howl from the Werewolves. Maybe because I’m always complimenting the wolves’ on their torn and tattered clothing.

Hey, it works for them. What can I say?

So the Mother-in-Law/Grandma Zombie shows up at my front door and rings the bell.

I thought it was the UPS guy, so imagine my surprise when I open the door and find Grandma Zombie standing there, decomposing all over my newspaper.

What now? I thought.

She didn’t say anything; she just looked at me but I could tell there was some attitude.

And there’s nothing worse than Zombie attitude…unless you’re married…

So I stammered a bit and said, “I guess you read the piece, huh?

I think she may have nodded, but it’s hard to tell since they move very cautiously in social situations.

“Look, it was just meant to be satirical. I don’t really think that…sort of.”

Z came out from the kitchen and shot me a look. She’s always warning me about taking things too far. I could already hear what she was thinking, what’s wrong with you…I told you the Zombies were oversensitive!

“Hello there”, Z says as she approaches the door. “I was just making myself a cup of tea; come in and join me!”

I’m a bit stunned by all this cordiality from the woman who won’t even answer the door to pay the pizza guy; now she’s cozying up to Zombies?

“Sure,” I follow up. “Come on in…I think we have some Halloween cookies too.”

I felt a little stupid, but it was all I could think to say.

Grandma Zombie smiled…I think, and shuffled through the door and into the kitchen with Z.

I know it sounds terrible but all I kept thinking was… I have a Zombie in my house...a Zombie.

So we sat at the kitchen table, exchanging pleasantries as neighbor will do when they’re getting to know one another. Z asked about her grandchildren and Grandma Zombie took out a few pictures she had in her purse. You could see it had been a very nice purse in its time, but now it was a little cracked and tattered. Kind of like her, but hey, who isn’t…?

Z made a fuss over the grandkid’s pictures, but to be honest, I’ve seen better autopsy photos.

All the same I expressed my approval as well.

“Cute kids. How old are they...?”

How old are they? What a stupid question to ask the resurrected, I immediately thought, kicking myself.

Grandma Zombie just glanced at me with that look that Zombies get sometimes. You know, the one that’s a cross between confusion and disdain. Then she started licking her lips…so I passed her the cookies.

This went on for a while until the doorbell rang again.

I would do anything to get out of there so I jumped to my feet and said, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically, “I’ll get it!”

Z just shook her head in that subtle way that no one can detect, except for me, so I hurried off to the door.

“Hi…we were conjuring up some holiday treats and we thought we’d be good neighbors and bring you some!”

It was Hannah and Helga, the cute Witch couple from next door.

“Hey”, I said, genuinely pleased to see them. “I haven’t seen you Witches since the middle of the summer. Where’ve you been keeping yourselves?”

Hannah handed me a colorful plate with an array of chocolate covered something on it; I couldn’t tell if it was eye of knute or toe of frog. Last year they brought wool of bat and tongue of dog, and the year before that a delicious hell-broth boil and bubble that really hit the spot on a cool October day.

“Oh, you know how it is, with Witches these days. There was some last minute business that came up overseas, and with all the layoffs, there was no one else to handle it, so we had to fly off on a moment’s notice.”

I just nodded, but in truth I had no idea what kind of business the Witches were in and I wasn’t in a hurry to find out. Sometimes its better not knowing what the neighbors are up to…if you catch my drift.

“Hey, one of the Zombies from across the street is here having tea, why don’t you come in and join us?’

Helga bristled at the word Zombie and said, “You let a Zombie into your house?”

Hannah added, “I thought I smelled something rotten.”

I had no idea that there was such animosity between Witches and Zombies. I just thought they were all in the same boat and would naturally get along.

Not the case…uh uh.

Just then Z came around the corner with Grandma Zombie and you could suddenly cut the tension in the room with a silver knife.

There was this big ugly hiss, which, at first, I thought came from Z, since she’s not as fond of the Witches as I am, but it actually came from Grandma Zombie, and I have to tell you it was a little pointed, if not just rude.

The Witches’ stiffened, made some odd hand gestures that I wasn’t familiar with and spoke a few phrases in a language also unfamiliar. Then they turned and walked off in a huff.

“Thanks for the treats!” I shouted after them, but they just kept walking and didn’t acknowledge me.

Great, I thought. Now the Witches are annoyed with me too. What next, the Vampires?

Once the sour aura had cleared the room, Z thanked Grandma Zombie for stopping by and said she hoped she could come over someday and meet the Grandkids.

Grandma Zombie made some high pitched squealing noise that I took for agreement and we wished her a Happy Halloween as she shuffled up the walk.

She was nearly to her front door across the street when I noticed she had left one of her arms on the table, so I chased after her to return it.

Zombies...its always something.

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