The Freelance Retort: A Smile on My Face

I’ve been trying to wake up with a smile on my face…every day.

I think it’s important.

But it hasn’t been working.

So now I’ve tried sleeping with a smile on my face, hoping it would carry over to the morning.

But that hasn’t been working either…and Z says it’s creepy.

So it’s not easy….

I think it’s important to start each day with a good attitude; to appreciate each sunrise as the gift that it truly is.

But how many of us actually do that? I mean on some innate level I think all of us understand that, and do appreciate that…but it’s just hard to hold on to that.

Especially if you’re a Republican and wake up to find that a guy named Newt is leading the pack over a guy named Mitt as your presidential hopeful in 2012.

If you’re a Democrat you wake up and find that your guy is sinking so low in the popularity polls that you shudder to think that a guy named Newt or Mitt could actually be elected.

And if you’re an independent thinker, you just shudder because apparently the key most important criteria in getting elected to any public office is who’s been able to keep his or her pants on.

If you can keep your pants on you have a shot.

Keeping one’s pants on is apparently a big problem. All sorts of creepy people are being caught with their pants down…and luckily, rightly so.

Because, you know…otherwise they might become President.

So you can see why it might be hard to wake up smiling with things like this popping into my head as I open my eyes.

I worry about the likelihood of committing a social faux pas when I'm out and about, which is only intensified by the holiday season; that pops into my head, also.

What if I wish the wrong person a Merry Christmas? Will they disdain me or worse, send me a fruit cake?

What if I under tip the newspaper delivery guy, even if he only delivers the paper on time every other Tuesday, and even then, tosses it in my neighbor’s driveway instead of mine?

What if I make a right on red at a no right on red intersection?

What if I ask a fat woman when she's due?

What if I forget to cut out the “ONE DAY ONLY Take an EXTRA 20% OFF” coupon before I go to Macy’s?

Or what if I remember to cut out the “ONE DAY ONLY Take an EXTRA 20% OFF” coupon before I go to Macy’s, but fail to notice that it’s only valid between the hours of 8 AM to 10 AM?

Or what if I remember to cut out the “ONE DAY ONLY Take an EXTRA 20% OFF” coupon before I go to Macy’s, shop between the hours of 8 AM to 10 AM but only want to buy Everyday Values, specials, super buys, furniture, mattresses, floor coverings/rugs, men’s store electronics, cosmetics/fragrances, gift cards, jewelry trunk shows, previous purchases, special orders, selected licensed depts., special purchases or services…which, everyone knows are excluded. And on top of all that, what if I mistakenly try to combine my “ONE DAY ONLY Take an EXTRA 20% OFF” coupon with a savings pass/coupon, extra discount or credit offer and I’m not opening a new Macy’s account?

Or the unimaginable…the power goes out and my alarm fails to go off causing me to miss the “ONE DAY ONLY Take an EXTRA 20% OFF” coupon day entirely....

What then????

I mean this is ONE DAY ONLY people!

And even if all of that goes well…which is a “BIG IF”, what if the girl in the mall doesn’t find me worthy enough to offer a sensuous hand massage with her new skincare and exfoliant cream for manly men?

What do I do then?

I mean I only have 24 cases of the stuff in my garage. It’s not like it’s gonna last forever.

Do I just slink away into the Brookstone store where I KNOW the guy there will ask me if I would like to try a pro foot and calf massage or a have an interactive experience with Penbino the Adorable Cuddly Penguin Toy

But what if he doesn’t?

What if I’m not even suitable enough for Brookstone?

Where do I go then?

To console myself with a big pretzel? And you know, that's no guarantees either.

I could wait 15 minutes, get to the front of the line only to find out that I’ll have to wait another 10 minutes for a salt no butter pretzel, because a pretzel drenched in butter closes my esophagus.

But still I try...to smile...everyday. What else can I do?

Every day’s a gift....

Right?

Smile….

Right?

But not while you’re sleeping.

It dries out your teeth.