Monday, August 6, 2012

Humid is as Humid Does

The humidity the last few days has been insidious and unrelenting.

Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh.

Perhaps insidious is too strong a word and not one really applicable to a large warm air mass…unless you’re referring to one of my distant cousins, twice removed (but always returns), on my great aunt's side.

I mean literally, the guy is attached to my great aunts side.


I guess the better word for it is insufferable, because that’s what it is…insufferable, defined:

“So annoying, unpleasant, or uncomfortable as to be unbearable….”

Hey...why does that make me feel self-conscious?

Even weirder, huh?

Maybe I was a little too quick to heap all those nice words on August the other day.

It’s not really keeping up its end of the bargain, is it?

Where are all the clear comfortable nights, where are the touchable stars…yada yada yada.

Yeah, yeah, yeah….

That’s what always seems to happen when I open my big mouth or big keyboard and write about something topical.  Everything changes as soon as it’s out there and I look pretty dumb…

Not that I need a lot of help in that department….

So I thought I’d write about all this horrible humidity…and then it would go away.


Not looking quite so dumb now, am I?

Unless it doesn’t work…then I suppose it’s a case of nothing lost, nothing gained.

But last year I wrote something here about humidity and it did go away, so we’ll see.

Of course now that I’m bragging about it….

Yeah…I know.

I was just Googling humidity to try and glean some fun facts to throw out there, but it just made my brain freeze, which was actually kind of pleasant.

So I’m not sure if there is anything good to be gained from all this moist sticky air, other than it makes my hair curl, which makes it look shorter, saving me an overdue trip to the barber. 

Some people say that drinking hot coffee on a day like this makes you feel cooler…

But most of those people are not allowed to untie their jacket sleeves.

The flies are even lethargic and the squirrels are only digging half as many holes as usual on my lawn.

I actually Tweeted those last couple of witty retorts on Twitter yesterday, so if you’re following me @FreelanceRetort you’re saying hey, how about some new material!

But hey right back, at least you got a sneak preview.

So if you’re not, you should be following me…except for the guy with the cheese…to the best of my knowledge, that restraining order is still in effect.

Hey, don’t blame me…it’s the humidity.

I’m working on it, but who can think under these kinds of conditions, let alone be witty.

I have to stop and wring out my shorts every few minutes.

Plus there are puddles on the keyboard and in my shoes.

So I better get off of this hot deck, which of course only makes things worse, and go inside.

I did my part.

Now let’s see if my bad luck holds and it cools off before you even get a chance to read this.

There’s only so much one man can do…..

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