Results Are In

I had my blood drawn about a month ago.

I wanted it painted, but that was more and my insurance wouldn’t cover it....

The guy who drew it was named Ed.

Nice guy but I would have preferred someone named René or Anton; you know more of an artist’s name.

But Ed did a good job. The large bruise on my forearm still looks like Charles de Gaulle.

I was hoping for FDR but de Gaulle is growing on me....

Literally….

This was the 3^rd time in 6 months that they took some of my blood and I’m still not used to the odd looks I get every time they see it.  Like no one else’s blood is so sticky it can stand up on its own…outside the test tube.

Actually that’s not true…not any more.

Since my earlier medical adventures, I’ve been working on lowering my cholesterol and its way down from the initial reading back in January, which was in multiples of 25 or something.

Now it’s only in multiples of 10.

No, actually the overall number is down from 260 to 197 in total. If you know about such matters, that’s a good thing. 

Triglycerides down from a high of 226 to …wait for it…75.

I know….

That’s an important one cuz it’s tied in to how much alcohol you may or may not have consumed over a period of time…or afternoon.

So you can see I’ve been a good boy…for the most part.

I’ve switched to the smaller strap on beer sack.

I have to give a lot of credit to Z for the good numbers. She’s got me on a diet with lots and lots of fruit, fish and vegetables. 

There’s even a trough out back that I graze in.

But it seems to be working, plus I dropped a few more pounds, which apparently always works as well.

Being of Aries persuasion, I was anxious to get the tests results back before I spoke to the doc so I called the nurse and asked for a sneak preview.

When she called back I was a little disappointed because even though some of the numbers were lower, the HDL/LDL ratio thing was still north and south of the respective norms. For some reason, the nurse, who sounded to me like she was suggesting I go price eternity suits, said  the doc would want me to go on a low dose cholesterol med, and that I should make an appointment to  discuss it with him.

This took all the wind from my feel good sails because, to be honest, I thought I was getting text book numbers back all around. I wasn’t sure what more I could do on my own.

So for a week I debated, back and forth with myself, and any other unfortunate person that would listen, whether or not I wanted to go on some sort of medication for the rest of my life, not to mention screw around with the natural functions of my organs.  They hate that, my organs, and their not shy about telling me so.

I mean the numbers weren’t all that far over the line. Besides, what’s a 10% chance of having a cardiac event in the next 10 years; I mean doesn’t that mean I have a 90% chance of not having one?

But I know how I am and the summer of indulgence was upon us so I thought, what the hell, just take the pill.

Of course, once I resign myself to anything, fate has a way of stepping in and changing the program on me. When the doc came into the exam room, he had a big smile on his face and was telling me how impressed he was with my improved results.

For a second I thought he was referring to my improved performance on level 2 of Donkey Kong, which I finally mastered after 25 years, but then I didn’t think he would have known about that.

When I told him I was disappointed that all the numbers weren’t perfect, he smiled and told me I was pretty hard on myself.  That as long as they were moving in the right direction I should be happy.

Then he suggested I keep on doing what I’d been doing, and also try some natural cholesterol lowering supplements and things should pretty much fall into place.

This was a bit surprising since it was kind of a 180 degree reversal of what he was suggesting back in January, when my numbers were submitted  to Guinness for World Record verification.  He explained that back then the numbers were so out of whack—being that I hadn’t had them checked in well, let’s say forever—that he didn’t think diet and exercise would make that big a difference.

But I guess I’m proof that it does, so now I take some kind of big ’ol horse pills that have something in them from plants and things that’s supposed to help block the bad stuff from getting into your arteries. I also nibble on a  pine tree down the block whenever I pass by…and my neighbor’s not looking.

I’m also taking fish oil pills, which are supposed to do all kinds of good things for you including improve memory function, complexion, hair, joint pain…and some other stuff I can’t recall, despite the pills.

Of course I also look a little bit more like a carp than I used to, but life’s a negotiation…right?

I’m kidding…I don’t look at all like a fish…and you can hardly spot the new set of gills under my arms.

Plus I float much better in the ocean than I used to, despite the filmy outline my body leaves behind, bouncing on the waves, which, to be honest, is kind of cool.

It really makes people scratch their heads…among other things.

So I’m on the road to a long healthy life as long as I avoid the buses and don’t choke on a pine cone…again.

Tweet Follow @FreelanceRetort

Share this on Facebook

Tolerate me on Facebook—"Like" is much too much of a commitment—
                                                         or

Follow the Retorts and Nothing but the Retorts…

Plus the occasional extra silliness and chance to compete for valuable prizes…not really.