Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Stared Senseless

I often catch people staring at me.

I’d like to think it’s because of my matinee idol looks, but I think it’s more because of my one uneven nostril.

I never thought it was that noticeable, but I guess it is.

And it’s not like I’m laying traps trying to catch people staring at me…I’m not…but alot of times I’ll look up from what I’m doing and there they are…staring.

Maybe staring is the wrong word.  It’s not like they’re there with their mouths agape, or fallen to their knees muttering.

I suppose it’s more of a quick glance.

And then they turn their heads away, real quick, as if someone across the room just slipped on a banana peel.

But by then it’s too late; I’ve already spotted them.

Once you make eye contact, you’ve been made.

And it works the opposite way as well. 
If you’re staring at someone and they look up at you, make eye contact, even if just for a millisecond, looking away only makes you look guilty of something…like maybe dropping the banana peel.

But we all do it…and none of us ever call the starer on it; probably because in some way we’re all a little flattered…until we look in the mirror later and discover that small piece of rigatoni stuck to our cheek.  

Late night snack mishap; I thought I’d gotten most of it off my pillow….

And why is it that if you do happen to come upon someone who catches your eye, for whatever reason, even if they’re 20 feet away, the second your focus lingers on them a moment too long, they look up?

And we do it too, if someone is staring at us…you know, because of the dried pasta.

What’s that about?

And they say we only have five basic senses.

I say we a have a lot more than that.

Like the sense that someone ate the last fig newton…I get that one all the time.

Or the sense that you probably should buy new socks and underwear, especially after a couple of decades have past.

But that’s certainly a relative thing…and I’m not talking about any specific relative…honest, I’m not.

There’s also the sense you get that someone is talking about you…especially when you walk into a room and the conversation cuts off in mid-sentence, and everyone looks at you and shakes their head.

But that’s more of an acquired sense…not everyone develops that one right away.

How about the sense that the traffic light you see up ahead that’s been green forever is going to turn yellow just as soon as you get about 8 feet from it and the car ahead of you goes through it.

Or that the impending rain shower that’s been threatening all day will hold off  just long enough for you to roll your grocery cart out of the supermarket and out to your car, which is located about a half mile away.

Or the sense you have that you mixed up the date of  your friend’s birthday party after you show up at the appointed time, and your friend answers the door in a skimpy negligee and curlers, even though he said he was past that, and tells you you’re a month late…but thanks for the card…two years ago.

Or the sense you’re probably getting right now that most of this is really just non-sense, and you would’ve been better off if you had checked out the Weather Channel instead.

Yeah that’s a pretty good sense too….

What are you staring at?


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  1. I laughed all the way through. You can always tell if someone is in back of you - and staring. Is it because your slip is showing (it's snowing down south) (but no one wears them anymore.) Maybe it's because you are suffering from a terminal case of droopy drawers, and the starer is telling his/her companion that it's better not to look. Should I turn around and shout: Gotcha!?

    1. I haven’t worried about my slip showing for years. I pin it to my shorts now….

      It’s just one of those unspoken laws of human nature. No one sees anything…ever.

  2. Very funny and haven't we all been there one way our another. A cross between 'How Good Is That?' and 'Schadenfreude', what with a face and its various states of presentation.

    1. I have been various states of presentation, most notably New Jersey, where I've been banned from using the bridges and tunnels....

    2. Be glad about the ban. ..


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