Friday, January 11, 2013

Mars Madness

I read an article the other day, which reported that there’s a non-profit private company out there looking to start colonizing Mars in about 10 years or so.

Yeah…I mean really out there, huh?

They’re actually looking for people from all over the globe to submit applications to become part of the original group of colonialists.

So I’m thinking of applying.

Why not? 

I have the time and to be honest, there’s not a lot going on down here on earth these days that I haven’t already experienced.

I mean, aside from most of the stuff in the rest of the world.

But I have cable, so I feel like I've seen most of it.

Besides, I’ve always wanted to wear one of those tri-cornered hats that colonialists wear.

Get it….

Cuz back in the day the original—

Never mind….

Of course, it goes without saying—-even though I am—there’s a pretty strict application criteria, just to get your foot in the door. According to the article, among other virtues, astronaut candidates must have “a deep sense of purpose, willingness to build and maintain healthy relationships, the capacity for self-reflection and ability to trust. They must be resilient, adaptable, curious, creative and resourceful.” And be at least 18 years old.

So I definitely meet at least one of those requirements. I’m guessing I can fudge the rest.

Besides, there was another study conducted that determined, because of the unique conditions on Mars, the astronauts will be prone to sleepiness, boredom and crabbiness.

So, duh…I mean I’m already there!

The best thing about all of this is that the entire astronaut selection process is going to be documented as a worldwide reality TV show, in which people all over the planet—I’m guessing earth, but who knows—get to vote on who goes and who stays.

Then, once you’re chosen, the cameras start following you around, starting with your training, the whole ride up to Mars and then continue to document the entire colonization process.

How cool is that?

Out of this world cool, that’s how cool!

Can you imagine some of the wacky true life situations that’ll ensue?

Bill takes Franz to task for borrowing his life sustaining Mars exploration suit, and returning it without cleaning the oxygen sensor or wiping off the face mask.

“Who does that Franz!  I mean maybe in your country, but not mine!!!”

“Oh, back off Bill, if you’re going to be so OCD over hygiene, why don’t you try picking up your recycled urine bags once in while…it’s like sickening…”

Or Yolanda worries that Malik is becoming too attached to the results of his microbe re-genesis experiment.

 The Jell-O people will have a field day with product placement.

I mean we’re talking major endorsement opportunities, people!

Of course the down side to all of this is that it takes about 7 to 8 months to get to Mars, depending on what time of the year you go.

Summer is the heaviest travel month, but I understand that spring and fall are excellent.

There’s also the fact that it’s a one way trip, since they figure it’s just too expensive to send you back home…unless maybe a cousin is getting married or something.

But even then it’s a 50-50 proposition.

So you have to really be into the whole building a new civilization from scratch thing.

They also plan to send additional colonies up to join the original colony, every two years or so, which means “density” issues, which means sooner rather than later, the school system is going to be overburdened, which means taxes going through the roof…or module limiter, whatever you call it.

But what else is new…even on Mars?

Of course I couldn't make this decision without discussing it with Z, and you know what?

Before I could even finish telling her all the details, she was already packing my bags.

That’s just how sweet and supportive Z is.

She was even on the phone with a contractor talking about adding a sauna on to the back of the house.

Probably to help me relax after all those hard days of training.

Poor thing, in all her excitement over my good fortune, she doesn’t even realize that I’ll be spending most of the next decade out of town at the Mars Expedition Center and Gift Shop.

I figure I’ll break it to her gently…right after she gets back from Cabo.


  1. I would not go there because the place is ruled by a commmittee of mother-in-laws who voted Republican. The birds sing off key, and you have to walk a mile for a Camel.


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