Smart Ass Phone

I’m a little distracted.

Well…that’s not exactly true.

I’m a lot distracted.

I finally broke down and bought a smart phone.

Yeah…I know.

Crazy, right?

I mean who needs a phone that’s smarter than them?

I have enough trouble with people who are smarter than me…which is mostly everyone.

And now I have a phone that corrects my unwieldy grammar.

And tells me that I tied my shoes backward.

I didn't even know there was such a thing as backward shoe tying.

And to be honest, I’m not sure that there is.

I think the phone is messing with me.

It’s just that smart of a phone.

Smart ass phone, actually.

Anyway, were well into the second decade of the 21^st century so I thought I better catch up with the new technology before it moves on again, which should take place by the weekend.

Truth is, my old phone really wasn't all that dumb.

It just wasn’t considered smart.

It didn’t do well with standardize testing.

Not that it was the phone’s fault. It’s just the way the system is skewed toward the more pricey operating systems.

The good thing about my old phone was that since it wasn’t considered “smart” they couldn’t charge me all those outrageous minimum data fees they force on you, otherwise.

I could still do some limited internet surfing and send and receive e-mails, but of course I needed a telescope to read it and some Lilliputians to enter the text for me.

Slender fingered Lilliputians, at that.

So, like I said, after nearly 4 years, one month of snow burial and a machine washing, it was time to put the old fella to rest.

And sure, I feel bad about it. It’s hard to look at the poor little guy sitting there all alone now, its memory card removed, its unadorned display whimpering, “And after all we’ve been through together….”

But time waits for no phone…plus the new shared data plans are a little more reasonable.

So I upgraded…to a phone that tells me how many wasted calories are in that bag of potato chips I’m munching on; not to mention the percentage of saturated fat now racing through my blood stream.

I mean, really…do I need that?

Of course not…I’m married.

Which means I also don’t need something else to tell me when I’m driving too fast, in the wrong direction…possibly in the wrong town.

What would Z have left to do…except of course for the five thousand other things she does…in the morning…before breakfast.

But I picked up the exact same phone for Z, so she’s not immune to the hectoring, either.

That’s just something I learned a long time ago. I always make sure we have the same phones; this way, between the two of us we’re usually able to figure out all the ins and outs before the year is through.

Z can actually make a call, already.  And before you know it she’ll be able to talk to somebody she actually knows.

And we should have texting down by Thanksgiving…we hope.

The camera’s pretty cool, too. It has more of those megapillys than my first digital camera.

You’d be amazed at the detail it can reproduce of the inside of my pocket.

You actually feel as if you could pick the lint right out of there.

I can also check my Twitter feed and Tweet from anyplace I want…as long as I wash my hands afterwards…for the most part.

The real problem is I’m one of those people who needs to know EVERYTHING about every new gadget I bring home.

I mean EVERYTHING….

When I purchased my first HD TV, a while back, I spent two whole days trying to get just the right font for the closed captioning on the Korean channel.

Just in case….

So, whenever I get a new phone I want to know everything it’s capable of, lest I miss out on something important.

How would you feel if your phone had the ability to determine precisely just how many Jellybeans were in that bowl on the candy store counter, just by taking a photo…and you didn’t know about it?

Really…how would you feel?

So you know where I’m coming from.

Or maybe you don’t.

But what you should know is now, no matter where I’m coming from, I can check my e-mail, watch a ball game or post my exact location, just in case you want to come hang out or something.  Maybe play a little Candy Crush.

I mean one of these days I’ll be able to do that…probably…once I figure out how to reset the power button to actually turn the phone back on.

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