Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Facebook loves Cats

I’m pretty sure without cats, Facebook wouldn’t exist.


Everyone loves a good cat video.

Especially cats that terrorize dogs…or people…or whatever else walks into the room.

One night, a week or so ago, I was sound asleep in my bed—as opposed to behind the 7-11, where I usually sleep during the day—and I was startled awake by the most god-awful sound I had ever heard.

For a second I thought a raccoon had dropped out of the ceiling and was wrestling with Z…again.

Z is prone to making a similar sound whenever wildlife drops down from the attic.

I immediately jumped up out of the bed, ready to grab the baseball bat I keep hidden in the closet, behind the plastic container of old clothes, under the pile of less old clothes and Reader’s Digests I keep on hand, you know, just in case I have to do some sort of DIY work, that requires I wear clothes that are routinely rejected by the Salvation Army.

Of course this container of old clothes and all the rest is also buried under a box that contains all of my discarded phone wire, and cable connections, not to mention my old Mulder and Scully Star Tac phone from 1995...so it's not all that easy to get to.

But, nevertheless, I was prepared to grab the bat...no matter how long it took me to dig it out…

I was that concerned.

Turns out there was no need.

The Thunder Dome/Death Match squeals I heard were merely originating from one of those, 5 gazillion “Likes”, 20 bazillion “Shares” whimsical Facebook videos that someone put together, complete with music, of cats torturing dogs…merely by passively sitting on the stairs or in a narrow hallway and daring the dog to pass, with only the threat of a pointed cat swipe hanging between them.

Which you might think is silly, and not a threat at all…but you would be wrong, because the passive implied threat is ten thousand times worse than the actual act itself, which is at least something you can deal with and move on. Plus I do feel for the dogs, because I have to deal with a similar passive implied threat situation, every Saturday and  Sunday morning any time I try to enter the kitchen, while Z is cutting out coupons.


So there’s Z, in the middle of the night, chuckling at these howling cats and dogs acting like…well cats and dogs.

“Don’t you know it’s the middle of the night?” I say in the kindest, gentlest of tones. “Can’t you do that someplace else?”

“Oh you’re so 1990’s!” is the response she gives me in return.

So, what choice do I have?  I just rollover and suffocate myself with my 1990’s buckwheat pillow in the useless attempt to muffle the cat screeches and dog howls.

But I also know Z is right…I am so 1990’s.  A time when folks actually had to open a book or at least a magazine for short term amusement.

If you’ve come to this story via Facebook or Patch, then I applaud you, not to mention praise your sensibilities and good taste in fine, wholesome, educational entertainment...despite the occasional lapse in judgment, which also brought you here

You obviously have more than the 10 second attention span that most people on Facebook have.

You’re willing to use the mouse that God gave you in the way that it was intended to be used.

Not just as a device to scroll through 4 line inspirational quotes and 2 line captioned photos of….

“Like if you think Cottage Cheese is the answer!”

The answer to what?
What was the question?

“Share if you Love Peanut butter!”

With or without jelly?

“Check out what happens when these hamsters decide to reprogram the family remote…hysterical!”

Not if it’s ever happened to you, now…is it?

Of course that’s not to say there isn’t anything of value on Facebook. 

I mean you’re here aren’t you?  And once you realize you're mistake, your bound to find something of redeeming value somewhere nearby.

And, if you do happen to “Like” what you see, and you haven't already— you know, because of the cats—please make sure you click the little “Like” button on the top of the page, just to the right of the title.  I’m pretty close to winning a football with another dozen “Likes” or so.

Okay…I know that’s self-serving and pretty obnoxious...more so than a dozen cats and dogs.

And I’m pretty sure now all the dog and cat people are mad at me…not to mention all the inspirational, funny quote people.

Sorry to have held you up…please get back to scrolling down the newsfeed.

Keep it moving, keep it moving.

And if somewhere down along the way, you should find a funny cat video, make sure you share it with Z.

Someone’s got to keep the entertainment train rolling…..


If you enjoy the Retort, do me a favor and click on the "Like" button, up top on the right, and "Like" the FLR Facebook Page. It’s kind of sad right now but if I get 14 more I think I can put in for a football....

If you don't like it, please click the same button...but with a negative attitude.

Or Now you can just

"Like" is much too much of a commitment—


  1. Thanks, Brian, for putting some humor in my morning cup of coffee! I refused to get on facebook for years until I succumbed under pressure (friends can be very persuasive) and now I actually enjoy reading about everyone's personal business...and those cat videos...gotta love them!

    1. Happy to be a condiment, Pami. French Vanilla Coffeemate has nothing on me....

  2. i think the wookie would bring you a lot of likes! ;0)

    1. Putting her to the test right now!

    2. maggie is feeling like a celebrity!


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