Friday, March 14, 2014

Not Complaining…but

I don’t like to complain…too much.

I like to complain way too much.

That’s just how it is.

That’s just how I am.

What…now I should complain about that too?

Complaining is one of life’s great pastimes.

“Why does it have to snow…on a Tuesday….”

“Look how flimsy this shovel is….”

“The sun is way too bright in the morning….”

“These eggs are too runny….”

“This bacon is too crisp….”

“That waitress looks at me funny….”

Of course one could make the argument that I’m not really complaining at all.

I’m just sayin….

Just observing the miserable situations and conditions I have to put up with every single day!!!!

You know?

Just sayin….

Of course the opposite of complaining is to take some sort of action—any action—to correct the intolerable situation.

One could accept that the weather and short order cooks are beyond their immediate control.

They could move to Florida or, even better, Hawaii.

Buy a cool pair of sunglasses.

Change diners….

Or complain…which I suppose is an action unto itself…one would say.

The thing about complaining, though, is that it doesn’t take as much effort as all the other choices.

I can complain in my sleep…and I’m told I often do.

“I can’t believe someone put cats in my suitcase!  This is the worst dream I’ve ever had!”

Can you blame me?

But I also have a right to complain about other people complaining…all the time.

Who wants to listen to that... all the time?

Again…I’m just sayin….

I mean have you listened to the quality of other people’s complaints.

Pretty poor if you ask me.

Just sayin….

And that’s the thing…if you complain all the time…about EVERYTHING… you devalue your legitimate complaints…like the one about that woman on the local news who talks through her nose.

Or— too many of my Mallomars are lopsided!

Or—too many people on TV wear purple!

Or—too many trees are too tall...and have way too many leaves!

All legitimate complaints.

All important issues that hopefully will be addressed by the people I wrote those

So I’m not just sitting here complaining…I’m doing something about it.

I’m waiting for the other people to do something about it…if they ever take the time to read my letters…which they never do.

Just sayin….


Thanks to all the new folks who’ve recently signed up for “Retorts by Mail”. Just as a reminder, you’ll need to return a verification E-mail in order for your subscription to begin, so make sure to look for that in your in-box or junk mail folder, if you don’t receive it right away.  It’s a pain, I know, but it helps to keep the Robots out, which is necessary, mostly because they have terrible table manners.

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  1. I have to say, Brian, that I am totally in awe of your very impressive profile and simply love your witty style of writing. You've come a long way since I knew you when you were 6 years old.....just sayin

    1. Thanks, Pami! You should have seen me when I was 10...I was rockin it! I assume it's you. We need to get you a Google + or AIM profile. Something... Anonymous creeps me out...sounds like a ransom note....

  2. It is just so refreshing to welcome all your wry, slightly cynical retorts that neutralize the gushy emails that regularly invade my inbox. Keep on complaining.

    1. Well, I kind of just did with Pami, up above...

      Thanks, Joan. I can never complain about you.
      Slightly cynical? Hmmmm...I guess I better work on that.
      Just sayin....

  3. Only when you retort on the Zombies and Vampires. Robots too.

  4. I fully support all observations on the loss of standards. 'I mean, Is it me?' or what?

  5. Is it me or what? Are Joan, Pami and Anonymous related? They look so alike. Just saying... I'm not one for carping. Someone has to speak up about these things.

    1. So you're basically saying all us "mericuns: look alike to you Brits....

  6. Well actually, I resemble Betty Boop on a bad hair day. But I am not related to her or Daisy Mae or Mammy Yoakum.


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