Smart Stuff

Everything has a computer in it these days.

Cars, washing machines, refrigerator, dogs, cats…even my friend Janey, which I can’t actually prove, but I suspect. 

She has this annoying way of knowing exactly how much tip she should leave before the check arrives.

Hate that….

Actually that’s not true…she never leaves the tip…she just tells me how much to leave.

My car knows everything about me.  How far back I like my seat, what my favorite radio station is and what songs I like.

My coffee maker knows what time I get up and exactly at what temperature I like it served.

It even knows when I’m stepping a little on the wild side and brews up a batch of hazelnut….all on its own.

My Smart TV actually watches all my shows for me and then just fills me in later about what I missed, if anything.

So that saves time.

My phone tells me what music I like even if I've never heard of the band before.

It also tells me what music everyone else who calls me likes and what they were whistling while they waited for me to pick up.

But that only works with calls. Texts are different. If you text me, my phone will only tell me what you’re planning to have for lunch.

I mean technology can’t do everything.

My plants don’t have computers in them…not yet…

Just the soil.

When the soil is dry it sends me an e-mail.

When it needs food, it posts on Facebook…just to shame me.

But that’s how soil is…especially when it’s hungry.

All of the kitchen appliances are equipped with so called “Smart Tech”.

I’m not quite sure who calls it that, but that’s what I came up with.

Okay…that’s a lie. 

The stove told me to call it that…and the dishwasher backed it up.

What? 

Tell me you don’t find your dishwasher intimidating?

Supposedly all of the kitchen appliances are capable of talking to each other.

Yeah…I know.

Wonder what they’re talking about?

I’m pretty sure it’s about me…and the coffee maker.

I don’t think they like how the coffee maker sucks up to me.

Or how I hand wash the pot instead of putting it in the dishwasher.

Well, if the dishwasher hadn’t been so rough on the pot that time, maybe I would.

It took the pot months to get over that “Hi-Temp Scour” fiasco.

I mean, you don’t put a coffee pot through that…unless you’re trying to make a point.

Plus, what…I’m supposed to just let the pot sit there in the dishwasher until the dishwasher decides it’s full and ready to run?

I don’t think so…not in my house…smart or not.

So now all the appliances are against me.

The refrigerator deliberately under chills my beer…and I’m pretty certain it leaves the light on after I close the door.

The burners on the stove look at me funny and now the oven door is playing games too.

But that’s what happens when you put computers in everything.

The vacuum only sucks as much as it wants too.

The thermostat tells you when it’s too warm or too cold…no matter what shade of blue you turn.

The lights turn themselves on and off at will, depending on their mood.

Even my computer will tell me when I’ve stretched the truth too far.

Sometimes, it’ll just cut me off in mid————————

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More Smart Stuff from the Archive of Retort:

"Smart Ass Phone"

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