I hate to say it but I’ve kind of lost my willpower.
Yep…all of it.
I mean, I’m not even sure how that happens.
One day your full of it—willpower, I mean—and the next day it’s gone…gone, just gone.
And I’m not even sure where it went.
Maybe even Kohl’s.
If I had to guess, I’d say somewhere with a temperate climate, all year round.
Possibly a tropical Island, with lots of pretty girls and those frilly, fruity, frozen drinks.
That’s what I’m thinking.
Because if I was my willpower, that’s what I would do.
And if I know anything, I know my willpower has been dreading the impending change of seasons.
Not that my willpower doesn’t like fall.
I’m pretty sure fall is fine with my willpower.
Apples and cider…warm days, cool night. Trees exploding with color above, leaves blowing and crunching underfoot, multiple L.L Bean Christmas catalogues filling up my mailbox…every day.
No…my willpower s okay with fall.
It’s just that it knows fall is followed by winter…and that’s a…well, that’s a whole other kettle of cold.
So my willpower took a powder…early…and to be honest it could be gone for a while.
I mean, wouldn’t you if you could?
I know I would…If I could…but I can’t.
So now I’m stuck here without any willpower at all.
And you know what that means.
Bring on the Carvels, the Häagen-Dazs and all the chocolate chip cookies and Milky Ways you can fit in your car…including the trunk.
And call the carpenter to widen the doors….again.
And break out all those old VHSs of Pewee’s Funhouse…not to mention the Simpson’s marathon of famous “Duh’s”…every last one of them!
And I think I’m having Facebook and Twitter surgically implanted into my hyper thalamus, or some sort of thalamus. Maybe my low-key Thalamus.
And you know those chores I’ve been putting off until the weather got a little cooler…not gonna happen..
Not now…not soon…not even who knows when.
If you happen to ask me what I think of your new mustache, or even your old mustache, I can’t be held responsible for whatever it is I say.
And if you ask me what I think of your husband’s mustache, don’t get mad if I can’t help telling you I like yours better than his.
It’s just how it goes without my willpower. Self-control goes right along with it.
You thought willpower traveled alone?
Nuh-uh…plus it insists on first class.
Won’t accept anything less…not even business…which can be quite comfortable.
But that’s willpower for you. It has a mind of its own.
Plus it has my phone, which is actually a good thing, because without my willpower, my data charges are just out of control.
But that’s a story for another day.
Data charges…who can make any sense out of them?
Gotta go. My new credit cards just arrived and the Home Shopping Network is featuring garden gnomes all day.
Gotta get those…all of them.
Who could resist garden gnomes?
They’ll go good with the concrete mushrooms I bought before breakfast.
They should be here pretty soon…I couldn’t resist same day delivery….
Make sure to "Like" the Retorts on Facebook
Or just Tolerate them ...if "Like" is too much of a commitment
For the latest Retorts: Click here
Follow @FreelanceRetort on Twitter Tweet
Or subscribe above to receive Retorts by E-Mail
I know...too many options. Probably better to just go back to bed....