Brain Myths & Valuable Prizes

Hey…there you are! 

Thanks for coming back for another edition of “Brain Myths”.

Make sure you pay attention throughout our show today because if you discover the secret word, you’ll have a chance to compete for valuable prizes in a future episode.

If you were with us last time, you might recall we discussed all those happy, little celebrity neurons we have in our coconuts that light up at the sight or sound of various well known people, like Oprah and Jennifer Aniston.

Of course, this same principal also applies to everyday people and things in our life such as the sight or sound of the ice cream truck as it jingles down your street on a warm summer evening.

And if Jennifer Aniston is driving the ice cream truck, then the neuron light show will be elevated to the level of  fourth of July fireworks …at least for some of us.

And if Oprah is standing on the corner waiting for the ice cream truck to stop…then that opens up a whole other set of neuron lighting issues.

As I mentioned last time, a recent article reports that there are a lot of widely accepted myths about the brain that are just not true.

One brain myth debunked is that we only use 10% of our brains. Truth is, on any given day, we routinely use all areas of our brain at one time or another (I know…hard to believe about some people).  That’s right, every day our entire brain gets a pretty big work out, even when we’re asleep…which would explain why it refuses to cook or pick up our socks.  

“Did YOU have the kind of day I had?”…is the brains constant refrain.

Brain Myth # 2 is that people are either right brained or left brained.  Left-brained people are logical and good at solving problems, while right-brained people are imaginative and artsy….and prone to self-destructive behaviors, like blogging.

But, luckily, none of that is entirely true…even the blogging part, as hard as that is to believe. The two halves of the brain are intricately linked, so problem-solving or creative tasks fire up activity in regions of both hemispheres of the brain, not just half. 

To be honest, I’ve thought this for a long time since, occasionally, at parties, I'll stick a pencil in my left ear to tap into some of my left side neurons, and, without fail, my right leg, and right leg only, will begin to involuntarily perform one half of an Irish folk dance. 

Something that's always guaranteed to delight the other party goers.

Myth # 3 is kind if a boring one…that says the brain is grey.

Yeah…okay…so?

Well, it goes on to describe some other kinds of icky white matter, various red parts and some black parts. So the brain really is a kind of “We are the World” collection of colors, which should make one think…that is if their brain actually works.

Personally, I like to go with the optional, snap on designer brain covers so I can make my brain whatever color suits me on any given day.

Myth # 4 is something about Flashbulb Memories that occur as a result of a traumatic event. People think these memories are so vivid that they recall every detail, as if the event was still happening, but it’s been shown that these memories are surprisingly inaccurate.

This actually doesn’t surprise me since, in my mind, I always saw myself wearing my blue T-shirt on the day I heard that “Gilmore Girls” was canceled. The truth is that I was actually wearing a red T-shirt, which is clearly seen in the photo that Z took of me hugging the image of Lorelei on the TV that night. 

Sorry…I can’t really talk about it…even now.

And Myth # 5 is that our brains get duller after age 40.  The truth is our brains begin a downhill slide after our late 20’s. So take that, all you 18-39 choice demographic profiles.

You’re slipping just like the rest of us.

Ever wonder why you find yourself driving for 5 miles with the right turn signal on for no apparent reason? 

Now you know…

And, apparently, on the plus side, older people seem to develop a knack for actually improving some of their mental skills with age, such as vocabulary or how they judge a person’s character.

It’s also been shown that they score higher on tests of social skills, which is true, at least for me,  since I almost never double dip at parties any more…at least while anyone’s watching.

Last, but not least, surveys have shown that older people are generally happier than younger people, and I guess that’s nice to know. However, I think that’s more a product of older people having ready access to mood enhancing medication…not to mention senior discounts.

So there you have it…another edition of “Brain Myths”.

If you think you’ve discovered the secret word in today’s episode then send it along.

But I can pretty much assure you that it’ll be wrong.

Mostly because I've forgotten what it was….

Plus the idea that I would ever give out prizes of any kind is the biggest myth of all.


________________________________________________

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You Light Up My Brain

I read something, recently, that shed some light on many of the questions concerning my brain.

I don’t mean my brain, specifically, since I don’t think I’ve been singled out…I think. 


Besides, the hat I fashioned out of aluminum foil should be keeping intruders out, for the most part.

No, this was about the human brain, in general.  Questions like, do we really only use 10% of our brain most of the time? And if we’re watching TV do we only use 0.02 % of it?  And if we’re watching reality TV, then…well, you know.

The human brain contains more neurons than there are galaxies in the known universe: about 100 billion on average, plus thousands of miles of nerves, packed into a space the size of a coconut. 

But you knew that….right?

I didn’t…not until I lifted it right out of the article and pasted it here.

So, no two brains are alike—not even those of identical twins…which is a relief since I was starting to wonder about the peculiar guy in the park that talks to squirrels and chases butterflies because the squirrels tell him to. He seems to favor many of the same sweaters that I do…plus he has his own blog…”Squirrel Squawk”.

Despite all our technology, the brain continues to be a mystery to everyone, from scientists to Lindsay Lohan.  But Lindsay thinks she may be on to something in that regard, so stay tuned to Entertainment Tonight.

In fact, Hollywood has become a rich resource for scientists conducting brain studies since many of the folks out there don’t use them, so they happily hand them over to be poked and prodded…usually while they’re on location. Their agents usually demand 10% of any useful thought that’s discovered…but that’s negotiable depending on the celebrity.

Seriously though, if you find yourself oddly fascinated by all things Lindsay, and who could blame you, it’s really not your fault.  You probably have a specialized Lindsay Lohan neuron in your brain. 

Yeah…go figure. 

Apparently each of us have specialized neurons  in our brain that “light up” at the mention or sight of certain celebrities, including Lindsay, Jenifer Aniston, Michael Jordan, Halle Berry, Luke Skywalker and…it goes without saying…Oprah. In fact most of my temporal lobe lights up when I see Oprah coming. Part of that whole fight or flight reflex, I’m guessing.

So, imagine if you will, being cobbled together in that ethereal people factory in the sky, on some sort of assembly line filled with crate after crate of celebrity neurons destined to be included in your makeup.

2 parts Johnny Depp, 3 parts Charo, 7 parts Gary Busey, 6 parts anyone named Jennifer and on and on it goes.  Then imagine if the guy in charge of the Wilfred Brimley area, or even worse…Regis…takes a break…imagine how empty life would be.

So this explains a lot of the heartache in the world…at least for me.

The thing that worries me most about all of this is that I’m sure somewhere…someone is working on an “App for that”.  You point your phone toward somebody and it immediately reads all the celebrity neurons being fired in their brain…including those embarrassing Michael Buble ones.

What…you don’t think it could happen?

So just another example of how little control we actually have over the things that float our boats.  In a way it’s kind of comforting to know that dropping everything to catch a Brooke Shields marathon on cable is not a sign of impaired judgment on your part.  It’s just your brain riding that train…whatever that means.

So don’t be shy…sit back and pop in that DVD of the Blue Lagoon you keep hidden in the back of your closet…even your classic collection of Petticoat Junction’s with the original Billie and Bobbie Jos. 

No one’s gonna judge you…it’s just you being you.

No matter how odd it might seem to the rest of us.

Next time, class, we’ll be debunking some of the more widely perceived myths about the brain.

And no…there’s nothing concerning the validity of mine.

If Only....

A lot of us are always saying…“If only I had done this when I was younger”….or…“Maybe I should have thought of that before”…or…“Why couldn’t I have taken more chances back then…”

Or maybe that’s just me.

I don’t know…but I think there’re a lot of “ME’s” out there.

Sure, I could have figured out that mailing a birthday card on the day of the person’s birthday isn’t all that prudent…especially if you live under the same roof with them.

Or that rinsing off your mobile phone in the washing machine is probably not all that smart…even though it did eventually dry out to chirp another day…and it was squeaky clean.

Or telling the guys painting your living room to help themselves to the beer in the fridge when they’re done.

Yeah, I wish I had learned all of those things earlier on…but at least I’ve learned them now.

That’s the thing with us Human Beings…we want it all…all the time.  We want to be smart from the first grade on, which we all know is impossible. What would we do with all those other teachers from 2^nd grade on?

If we spent the rest of our lives with nothing but the knowledge we gained up to first grade we would all be republicans…..

Or democrats….

Or maybe even a candidate….

See, a few years ago I might have just mentioned one particular party and left myself open for all the political outrage and hostility that even the most innocent of satiric commentary seems to incite. 

So I learned that.

There was a recent blurb in the paper about a 100 year old woman who reconnected, about five years ago, with her 83 year old daughter who she'd given up for adoption. And I have to tell you, finding someone to adopt an 83 year old wasn't easy.  Bada boom....

Sorry....

No...seriously, this all took place back in the dusty days of 1928, when the mom was only 17. Through all those years she'd wondered what had become of the little girl she had given over to a pastor and his wife.  And now she'd found her….

So…do these women, now old and older, now regret all the years lost to missed connections and circumstance or do they relish the fact that at least now is better than never?

I don’t know…I guess it’s up to each person to decide how they choose to look at it.

I guess you'd have to surmise that it served both well, because  by the picture of the two of them together it looks like they’re both pretty happy to be where they are right now, without any regret for a lost past.  This, despite the fact that it was allegedly reported that the first words out of the 100 year old mother’s mouth was, “So this is how you wear your hair?”

Allegedly….

So whether we learn our lessons or reap are rewards early on or late in life, it really doesn’t matter.  Things happen in their time.  Just like ordering a Pizza for delivery.

And if it’s meant to be, then it is…and if it’s not…so be it. 

That’s what Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches are for.   

Nothing good ever came from a pair of shoes, a half size too small, that we wished we could squeeze into.

That’s what return shipping is for.

The right shoe always fits…just ask Cinderella.

Everything in its time.

Yeah, I know. 

I'm confused too...

Maybe even this will make some sense in time too.

Maybe….

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January Morning

There’s something to be said for a January morning.

Wrapped in the solemn hush of fading stars, the sun creeps slowly toward the edge of day.

From the edge of my bed I see subtle bands of orange, blue and white bend around the awakening horizon. Winter branches sway, still barren in winter’s sleep, forging scratches across the sky.

I sit, alone with winter morning; all's silent but for the clank of steam nudging air through the radiator.

A hawk glides, graceful, oblivious; single minded in its purpose, to exist, to fly...to see.

Then, the first glimmer of sunlight spreads across adjacent peaks.

A sliver of liquid orange glides down the rooftops and drains on the walks below.

The unhurried, the unnoticed…the unappreciated start of every new day.

I must have sat in this same exact spot a million times over the years and never noticed.

There's magic all around us, even when we're not looking...especially when we're not looking. 

I guess a little New Year’s gift for me from the Universe today.

Thanks Universe…I needed it.

Maybe you did too….

_________________

For if there is a sin against life, it consists
in perhaps not so much in despairing of life
as in hoping for another life and in eluding
the implacable grandeur of this life.

Albert Camus  -1913-1960

So Fast...So Wary

It’s January 4^th…already. 

Can’t believe it…..

How fast we speed through this tunnel of time...just like the old TV show ....   

It seems as if it were just New Year’s…and now—

Before we know it it’ll be January 7^th, 21…then February.

How fast, how fast, how fast….

At least we’ve put those pesky Brrrrrrrrrrrrr months behind us.

And, as it turned out, there was very little Brrrrrrrrrrrrr in them this year. 

Now it’s on to the wary months of Jan-u-wary and Feb-u-wary.

Wary in that we can go from 70 to 7; Sunshine with southerly breezes to blizzard conditions with northerly gales in in a day.

Wary in that a simple stroll through the neighborhood can turn into a simple slip on a simple patch of ice, resulting in a simple twist of the back, leading to a simple twist to recover, leading to the next morning when you simply discover you’ll be starting off your next few days walking around the house like Groucho….that is if you’re simply lucky.  If you’re not lucky, you’ll spend the rest of your days at the chiropractor’s simply wondering why your back always wants to reshape itself into a pretzel like some sort of malicious memory foam pillow.

Wary in that the weather man might predict the “possibility” of a few inches of snow, “possibly” overnight…and you might find the supermarket already pillaged of all essential items necessary to sustain life for the couple of hours it might take for the snow plows to encase  the end of your driveway into an impenetrable wall of ice.

So maybe the grocery hoarders might have a point…..

Wary in that if it does snow you might drop your phone in a drift again and lose it for the winter…again.  

Wary in that if it does snow you might mistakenly bury your neighbor’s cat...again…under two feet of snow, while looking frantically for your mobile phone...again.

Hey, sure I felt bad about that—a little— but if the cat were smart it would have used the phone to call for help…right? Instead it tried to text…bad move. Cat paws are not made for virtual key boards.

Wary in that the over dose of “Holiday Spirit” and subsequent dearth, thereof, has left you in a state of “goodwill” withdrawal, which creates tension between you and any other small animals you may encounter….not to mention people, small or otherwise

Wary in that the over dose of “Holiday Spirit” and subsequent dearth, thereof, has left others, whose path you cross, feeling even drearier than you…especially the frozen cat, who was eventually fine, by the way, and spent the rest of the winter recuperating in Florida on my dime...so cut me some slack….

Okay?

Wary in that the pot holes on your street will soon begin swallowing SUVs whole, which always leads to undue horn honking and complaints from the unlucky drivers who are anxious to be pulled out…at least for the weekend.

Wary in that there are so many things to be wary about you might find yourself typing them ad infinitum until eventually you begin speaking in Latin.

Wary in that this time of year is so uneventful, especially after spending the last six weeks or so writing about nothing but holiday related topics, that you might have trouble coming up with any sort of interesting idea that you might find yourself suddenly running out of words in the middle of a sent—

_________________________________

Have you picked up my new book “The Kingdom of Keys”?
                                                
No....what's up with that???
 
Better hurry before they're ALL GONE...which is a lie because they'll never be all gone...never....

So why not buy one just to reward my forthrightness..ness...ness?

You might even enjoy it.


And spread the word...cuz nobody else is....

Just sayin....
 
Available now at Amazon.com -  Click Here



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2012...Happy or Crappy?

So here we are in 2012. 

Composing the first Retort of the year.

Noshing on my first bagel of the year.

Dropping the first glob of cream cheese of the year on my mouse…which seems to have annoyed the mouse.

Typing the letter Q for the first time of the year…which is quite something.

Typing the letter Q for the second time of the year.

And on and on it goes.

Saying, everything old is new again…again, “for the first time of the year”….

Now, for the near future, everyone we see “for the first time of the year” we will say “Happy New Year!”

And they will respond…“Happy New Year!”

Then another acquaintance will happen by and you will both say, out of some ingrained reflex…“Happy New Year!”

And they will respond in kind…“Happy New Year!”  too.

If, however, they should tell you that they just got their test results back from the lab and they have some incurable painful disease…then, because you're a cockeyed optimist, you’ll respond:

“Well, hopefully, that’s the worst of your problems in the New Year…have a great day, now.”

Then on to the next cheerful exchange.

And how long are we required to do this?  A week…a month…two months?

Is the year still new in the middle of February?

Is it still new in the middle of next week?

No one ever wishes anyone a “Crappy New Year.”  Even to the people who annoy us the most, because, really, we all know that if annoyance was the criteria for wishing someone a “Crappy New Year”, there’d be nothing but “Crappy New Years” all around.  

Which actually explains a lot, now that I think about it.

There’s that woman at work who’s annoyed with you because you always look so together and your work is flawless.

There’s the weird snooty guy from accounting who’s annoyed with you because you staple instead of clip your paperwork together. Plus your shade of lipstick is nicer than his….

There’s the cashier at the donut shop who’s annoyed with you because you always have the exact amount.

There’s the cashier at the newspaper stand who’s annoyed with you because you never have the exact amount…cuz you used all your change at the donut shop.

There’s the customer service rep from the mobile phone company who hates their job, their life and you, because you have the nerve to call them and tell them you didn’t download the “Gorgeous Grannies of the Ukraine” app for your phone…at least not this year.

And I haven’t even mentioned the people that might annoy you.

Like the customer service rep from the electric company who is always so calm and pleasant while you rail on and on about the power outage you’ve been enduring for the past month.

Or the overly efficient cashier at the pizza joint that always anticipates how much change you’re gonna need…and is always correct.

Or the overly perky cashier at the grocery store who overly politely points out that you’re trying to pay for your groceries with your library card.

Or the tall guy in the next cubicle with the great hair, who has the demeanor and voice of a movie star, smells way better than you…and eats a subway for lunch…every day…and never gains a pound.

Or the woman in the corner office who clips instead of staples her paper work, because she ALWAYS follows the rules…which is maybe why she has the corner office.

What would be the harm in wishing any of them a “Crappy New Year”?

I mean, other than the bad karma?

Or someone might spit in your coffee….

Or lick your donut….

Or forget to put the work order in to untangle the electric cables that are protruding out of your fireplace.

I guess there’s that.

 So I might as well say it….

Because if you’re reading this you’re probably a kind, generous, caring person who is happy to throw a poor freelance writer a bone now and again by taking a minute to listen to the tree falling in the woods.

So…Happy New Year to all of you!

And if you’re not reading this…well…you know….

Happy...you know....