So here we are in 2012.
Composing the first Retort of the year.
Noshing on my first bagel of the year.
Dropping the first glob of cream cheese of the year on my mouse…which seems to have annoyed the mouse.
Typing the letter Q for the first time of the year…which is quite something.
Typing the letter Q for the second time of the year.
And on and on it goes.
Saying, everything old is new again…again, “for the first time of the year”….
Now, for the near future, everyone we see “for the first time of the year” we will say “Happy New Year!”
And they will respond…“Happy New Year!”
Then another acquaintance will happen by and you will both say, out of some ingrained reflex…“Happy New Year!”
And they will respond in kind…“Happy New Year!” too.
If, however, they should tell you that they just got their test results back from the lab and they have some incurable painful disease…then, because you're a cockeyed optimist, you’ll respond:
“Well, hopefully, that’s the worst of your problems in the New Year…have a great day, now.”
Then on to the next cheerful exchange.
And how long are we required to do this? A week…a month…two months?
Is the year still new in the middle of February?
Is it still new in the middle of next week?
No one ever wishes anyone a “Crappy New Year.” Even to the people who annoy us the most, because, really, we all know that if annoyance was the criteria for wishing someone a “Crappy New Year”, there’d be nothing but “Crappy New Years” all around.
Which actually explains a lot, now that I think about it.
There’s that woman at work who’s annoyed with you because you always look so together and your work is flawless.
There’s the weird snooty guy from accounting who’s annoyed with you because you staple instead of clip your paperwork together. Plus your shade of lipstick is nicer than his….
There’s the cashier at the donut shop who’s annoyed with you because you always have the exact amount.
There’s the cashier at the newspaper stand who’s annoyed with you because you never have the exact amount…cuz you used all your change at the donut shop.
There’s the customer service rep from the mobile phone company who hates their job, their life and you, because you have the nerve to call them and tell them you didn’t download the “Gorgeous Grannies of the Ukraine” app for your phone…at least not this year.
And I haven’t even mentioned the people that might annoy you.
Like the customer service rep from the electric company who is always so calm and pleasant while you rail on and on about the power outage you’ve been enduring for the past month.
Or the overly efficient cashier at the pizza joint that always anticipates how much change you’re gonna need…and is always correct.
Or the overly perky cashier at the grocery store who overly politely points out that you’re trying to pay for your groceries with your library card.
Or the tall guy in the next cubicle with the great hair, who has the demeanor and voice of a movie star, smells way better than you…and eats a subway for lunch…every day…and never gains a pound.
Or the woman in the corner office who clips instead of staples her paper work, because she ALWAYS follows the rules…which is maybe why she has the corner office.
What would be the harm in wishing any of them a “Crappy New Year”?
I mean, other than the bad karma?
Or someone might spit in your coffee….
Or lick your donut….
Or forget to put the work order in to untangle the electric cables that are protruding out of your fireplace.
I guess there’s that.
So I might as well say it….
Because if you’re reading this you’re probably a kind, generous, caring person who is happy to throw a poor freelance writer a bone now and again by taking a minute to listen to the tree falling in the woods.
So…Happy New Year to all of you!
And if you’re not reading this…well…you know….