Monday, March 26, 2012

Out of Body…Out of Mind

I had another out of body experience last night.

Go figure….

And, as always, my body was annoyed at being left behind.

Mostly because the first thing I do when I have an out of body experience is make myself a sandwich…preferably a BLT…and I never share it with my body.

First of all, my body doesn’t need all those empty calories and second of all, it eats enough on its own, all day long.

As you might expect these out of body experiences can be pretty cool. For some reason, at least with me, they always seem to occur when the clock is synchronistically aligned at say…2:22 or 3:33. Don’t know why, that just seems to be the pattern. Maybe my spirit has a bit of an OCD thing going on.  

Everyone has these out of body experiences, but most people get a little spooked, so to speak, and immediately jump back inside and that’s the end of that. When they wake up, they think it was just some kind of a dream, that is if they remember anything at all..

I admit, it can be a little jarring, especially at first, when your spirit head is still a bit groggy.  You might think that you’ve actually slipped this earthly coil as it were. But then you can see that your body is still breathing in the bed, sometimes even snoring, much to your embarrassment.  Luckily there aren’t any other spirits around to hear, especially that cute little spirit up the block named Millie.

What?  I know…I’m married, but what can I say?  This isn’t life.  Here I’m more of a free spirit. We all are.

Millie, in real life is a 91 year old lady named Mildred. But that’s the beauty of out of body experiences; once you’re outside your body your spirit can be any age you want it to be.

Even more cool, huh?

Anyway, once I have my sandwich, I usually head out for a bit and take a spin around the neighborhood to see if anything’s going or in the past…even in the future.

That’s another pretty neat thing about out of body experiences…you can actually see the worm holes and zip around the space/time continuum.  Just like Scrooge, without all the melodramatic ghosts.

Of course you do have to be careful because sometimes when you see the latest 3235 model year iPads, you’re tempted to stay in the future.

But inviting as that may seem, there’s a built in universal mechanism that prevents  that kind of time lagging thing…and that would be the Reapers.

You know the Reapers, those sickle carrying shadowy, cloaked figures who come a calling for you when it’s your real permanent out of body time.  Nice folks, for the most part, but they suffer from all the bad PR; millenniums of myth and legend to live down. 

But…like I said, really nice folks. They never show up too early and never  leave too late.  Unless of course you over do and over stay your out of body interludes.

One time, when I first started experiencing these little ethereal excursions of mine, I was cruising around the neighborhood, going in and out of houses, checking out which ones had 2 full baths.

I was a little on edge because this kind of spirit peek a boo was still new to me and I wasn’t quite sure just how much I could push the envelope without hurting myself. I mean, after all, your out of body constitution is not much more than gossamer and dreams.

So you have to get a feel for it and take it slow…at least in the beginning.

Anyway, I drift out of this tidy little Tudor across the street when I suddenly come across a Reaper…or at least what I thought was a Reaper, and I don’t mind saying, it scared the bajoojoos out of me.

I just about swallowed my spirit heart and began high tailing it back to my body when I hear this obnoxious laughing…and one thing I know, Reapers don’t laugh. That’s why they’re thought of as being socially inept and rarely get invited to parties, which also accounts for their surly moods.

Turns out this particular Reaper was just my annoying neighbor, Marty, who gets his kicks out of what he calls, “initiating the newbies”. 

Kind of chancy, if you ask me.  I’m not sure you want to go around mocking the Reapers. But that’s Marty: obnoxious in life and in spirit. 

So Reapers and Marty aside, out of body experiences are cool, if you take them for what they are.  Most people never even remember having them. Some feel a little run down in the morning but other than that they don’t recall a thing.  Not sure why I do, but people are always telling me I never forget anything…so maybe that’s it.

Uh, oh…this is weird.  I think I’m starting to have an out of body experience right now…even though I’m still awake.

Oh, wait…never mind.

It’s just that breakfast burrito I had this morning….

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  1. Well, that is pretty scary. I thought there was only one Reaper, but if there are a lot of them milling around, it doesn't give the rest of us much of a chance. There could be a Reaper lurking around the next corner, ready to pounce. And there are enough frightening things to ruin our days, like too much sugar in sports drinks, and probably in orange juice too.

    1. Not to mention the roster of republican presidential candidates….

      I’m so honored to have the famous Joan in my house! Hope you keep coming back….

  2. Honored? Famous? Yeah, I'll be coming back in spades.


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