A little more than a week into December finds us barreling head long into the
Christmas Cacophony of site, sound and sales.
Everything is already 50% off, which, if you buy
that—literally—it means you’re really only paying 200% over cost instead of
400%.
So good deal!
It used to be the price for a sweater was what it was before Christmas. Then, it became incrementally more
the closer it got to the holiday itself when a lot of folks became desperate to
buy last minute gifts for their wife, or their mistress, or their mom, or their
therapist, which they need because they obviously have issues when it comes to
women.
Or maybe that’s just me….
Not that I have a mistress, or a therapist, for that
matter…but I am prone to the last minute Christmas gift.
And nowadays that’s really a plus, because with all the
special “One Day Sales” every day, plus the discount I get for using a
particular credit card, not to mention—although I am—the all-important, all day
40% off everything coupon…that much sought after Penguin sweater, with assorted
blue birds on the back, can be had for under 10 bucks…and if the scratch off
card I get at the checkout, comes up big, I can actually make a few bucks on
the deal…and get lunch.
So things are different now…especially for guy shopping.
And to be honest, guy shopping is different from gal
shopping.
You really don’t see a lot of guy shopping, most of the
year.
Pretty much just around V-day, the assorted B-days, and of
course Christmas.
So the sales clerks, at least the female sales clerks, seem
to be particularly attentive, at least to guys.
And the more helpless and clueless the guy appears…the more
“helpful” is the saleslady’s focus.
So, as you can guess…I garner a lot of helpful focus.
“Hi, how can I help you?” The saleslady says with a big, big
smile.
At this point I try to resist the urge to make some sort of
wisecrack remark about scratching the elusive itch in the middle of my back
that’s been vexing me all day, and instead say I am looking for one of those
metal things that women wear around their wrists, sometimes, that don’t involve
telling time.
Depending on the sophistication of the saleslady’s sense and
appreciation for subtle humor, she will either laugh and escort me to the
bracelet showcase, or sneer and escort me to the security desk.
And believe me when I tell you…it can go either way.
But, for the most part, I’m pleased to say, there’s usually
a laugh and a lot of smiles…and the security guards rarely use real handcuffs.
Ha…got you, didn’t I?
But at least your sense and appreciation for subtle humor is
well honed….
Right?
The truth is—and perhaps it’s an ugly truth—sales women are
much more friendly and attentive to men than women.
Sounds sexist, I know…but hey, what can I tell you?
I don’t make this stuff up….
Well, maybe I do…but there is a grain of truth in most of
what I make up.
I’ve seen the attention—polite, yet direct—that Z receives
when she goes into a particular jewelry store.
Well, for the most part, I’ve seen it…as best I can from my
seat on the synthetic leather couch, out in the hall, behind the palm tree,
next to the fountain, in between bites of my giant pretzel—salt no butter.
However, when I walk in this tony trinket shop and trip
over a baby stroller, I am immediately offered some bottled water and, if
lucky, a lovely array of cookies.
I’m then offered a smoking jacket and slippers, which I
refuse, since I don’t smoke, but happily accept the slippers.
Okay…I made all of that up.
There’s no smoking jacket or slippers…but sometimes there is
the bottled water and cookies, because, you know…shopping can take a lot out of
a fellow.
Then there is the helpful spiel and demonstration of how a
bracelet actually works, which is followed by several recommendations based on
style and price, which is followed by my hyperventilating, which is followed by
my passing out on the floor.
At that point the smiling saleswoman usually suggests I try
the "other" jewelry store around the corner, the one that also sells those cool
black light posters and lava lamps.
Of course, I scoff at such nonsense, when proffered; I may
be cheap, but I’m not that cheap. I can usually swing the jewelry that’s sold
in the back of the Pet Store…outside, behind the dumpster.
And besides, I have all the black light posters I need.
Of course, I’m cool about the whole thing, and I don’t let
on, not even a bit, that I’m at all embarrassed by the situation.
I bet lots of people confuse the ornamental soap dish with
the cookie dish.
I mean I wasn’t even aware until I drank some of the water
and my mouth started foaming.
But all in all, like I said, if you’re a guy shopper, you
get treated just a little bit nicer than a woman shopper.
In fact, I’m usually escorted out by not only my original
sales lady but 3 or 4 others, all smiling, all laughing…even as they lock the
door behind me.
Obviously they stayed open a little past closing, just to
accommodate me…which again…is not the kind of treatment your everyday woman shopper
receives.
Certainly not before lunch....
Certainly not before lunch....
________________________________________________
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I laughed throughout the entire retort. You are just too funny. So spontaneous and unexpected. I bet you could continue on for the next three paragraphs. Or four...
ReplyDeleteThanks ! But now you're just trying to get on the nice list and off the naughty...aren't you? I'm checking it twice, though....
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