Doorway to Christmas

So here we are…on the doorstep of Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year, which carries us swiftly into Christmas Eve…the doorway to Christmas Day.

All the shopping done…all the decking done…all the merrymaking…just about done…done and done.

That is, unless you’ve been living in a cave the last month and just woke up and said, “Crap…I forgot all about Christmas!”

Then you’ve got some work to do, not to mention finding a more suitable place to live.

We’re having our annual Christmas/Winter Solstice party this weekend…tomorrow, actually.

Hard to believe…I’m still cleaning up the mess the Druids made last year.

Yeah…you heard me…from last year.

I actually found some Druid paraphernalia down in the basement, stuck behind the boiler.

I know…right?

Which gave me pause, because I shudder to think what the Druids were up to in the basement, let alone behind the boiler.

But I guess when you allow Druids to come to your Winter Solstice Party, you have to expect weird stuff like that.

I mean, they’re Druids.

At least I was able to finally talk them off of that whole “Human Degradation” ritual they always insist on…especially since I banned the “Human Sacrifice” thing, right from the get go.

I’m not going to go into it now, since I’ve mentioned it before, but besides embarrassing the guests, it’s difficult to figure out when to schedule any of that.

Before the main course, or after? 

With desert, but not before the cordials are served?

Then a couple of years ago the Morris Dancers nearly kicked over the tree.

I mean Morris Dancers at the Summer Solstice is one thing, because there’s plenty of room for all their shenanigans, outdoors…but we live in a three bedroom Colonial, with an average size living room and a fireplace…indoor kicking is not what you’re looking for.

And now this year we have a whole new issue to deal with….

I sort of invited a few of the Zombies across the street to the party…by mistake.

 I mean, I was just being polite when we were all out shoveling the latest round of snow, the other night.

And if you’ve ever seen a Zombie shoveling snow, you know it’s painful to watch. It can take them hours just to do the front walk.

So I was helping them out a little; just being neighborly by giving them a hand, whenever they lost one in the snow.

So I mentioned the party, never thinking they would actually be into that sort of festive holiday thing.

But was I waaaaaay off base on that. You should have seen them all light up like a Christmas tree at the mention of the word party…and I don’t mean like the Uncle who ignited when the outdoor lights he was hanging over the door short circuited that time.

I guess no one’s ever thought to ask the Zombies to a Christmas party before.  

Why would you?

Not after that Caroling debacle from a few years back.

What a ruckus that stirred up…not only in the neighborhood, but in the whole town.

People just aren’t ready for Zombies showing up at their front door, in the middle of the night singing Little Drummer Boy. Not because they sound bad, at least not by Zombie standards. No…but because they don’t know all the words and they don’t have a real grasp on the concept of time. 

So they tend to linger…a little too long....which tends to make people uncomfortable.

Anyway, they’re coming and now Z’s in a bit of a tizzy.

“I wasn’t planning on the Zombies…now we have to order a second sandwich tray!”

I said, “Maybe a third,” knowing that once the Zombies start eating it can be hard to get them to stop.

“And what do the Zombies drink?” Z said, always the conscientious hostess.

 “I’m guessing anything we serve them will be fine. Zombies aren’t all that picky.”

“Well, you better talk to the Druids and let them know the Zombies are coming. I don’t want a repeat of what happened with the witches.”

“Nobody wants that.” I said. “Besides, I think the Druids will be happy to have something else to take the focus off of them for a change.”

So, if nothing else, it should be an interesting party this year. 

And the Zombies even asked if they could bring desert, which really isn’t a surprise. I mean they’re not stiffs…well, I mean they are, but not in a cheap way. 

They’re actually very giving…Zombies or not.

However, I wisely declined their offer of desert—don’t ask—and told them they should  just bring themselves, hopefully in as few pieces as possible.

So I think it will be fine.

It’s Christmas….

Goodwill towards men…and Zombies.

What could go wrong…?

For the latest Retorts: Click here

Tweet Follow @FreelanceRetort

Share this on Facebook

Tolerate the Retorts on Facebook
—"Like" is much too much of a commitment—