Friday, February 27, 2015

Zombies Hate Winter Too


I mean, sure…we all hate winter…but nowhere near as much as the Zombies.

And you can pretty much understand why.

Snowy, icy sidewalks are not conducive to Zombie ambulation.

In other words, they don’t walk real well in snow or ice.

You know, because of the shuffling thing.

Think about it. If you can’t lift your feet, then you’re going to get a lot of snow in your shoes.

And nothing makes a Zombie crankier than wet socks…other than holier than thou vampires who constantly flaunt their top of the line, fine tailored clothing in front of them.


You may not think it to look at them, but Zombies are pretty sensitive to the tattered condition of their wardrobes. Hey, can they help it if digging out of a 6 foot grave takes its toll on cotton, whether its permanent press or not?  

And they feel they’re not responsible if they’re terribly out of style. The truth is, if you talk to a Zombie—any Zombie—they’ll tell you…depending on whether or not they still have tongues, let alone a lower jaw…they’ll tell you, under normal circumstances, they wouldn’t be caught dead in the thing the mortician tied on them.

But what can they do?  They’re Zombies.  It comes with the territory, just as much as the constant headshots they have to endure from overzealous, closed minded neighbors.  

But back to the snow and ice situation. Wet feet are one thing for a Zombie to deal with in winter, but if they were to slip on the ice and fall—which as you might expect happens a lot—then they can forget about catching the new season of Dancing with the Stars, anytime soon. It’s just inhumanly possible for them to get up off that ice. 

And it’s pretty sad for the rest of us to watch, as well. Not that I didn't try to help…once.

It was that bad ice storm we had a while back.  The Zombies Across the street were all heading out to a Valentines party being held down at the local community center.

Okay…you might find that odd—especially Valentine's—but they do try to attend as many of these town functions as they can, just to try and dispel a lot of the myths and put a good face on the undead.  And believe me, it takes them awhile to find just the right face to bring along. 

Anyway, here they come one by one, all wearing their hearts on their sleeves…which to be honest, is unpleasant to see, even if it is Valentine's Day.

So it made it that much harder to watch as the middle Zombie went down, followed by the one behind, and the next one and the next…because as long as they’ve been re-animated, they have never learned the concept of  watch where you’re going”….let alone, "be considerate of another’s personal space".

So down they go, like a bunch of bowling pins, one after the other.

Talk about a mess.

There were arms and legs flailing everywhere…and no figuring out which belonged to whom, with no way to reattach them, even if you could.

Uh uh….

So what was I to do? I’m not an indifferent neighbor. And the Zombies have never been anything but nice to me; they’ve never once asked to taste my liver.

Except that one time, but that was just a misunderstanding….


Well, neighborly or not, as hard as I tried, there was really nothing I could do.  As soon as I managed to get a few of them upright, one of them would invariably lose his footing, again—and sometimes his or her entire foot—and down they’d all go again.

And seeing as trying to get a random passerby on the street to help you help ghouls, is near impossible, I was on my own.

So I had to leave them there…for the rest of the season.


And if you think you’re having a hard winter, looking out, day after day, at nothing but a monochromatic landscape of snow…try looking out your window, every day for a month and seeing the outline of a frozen pile of Zombies in the snow.

Okay, sure…I suppose I could go over and shovel them out now and again, just so they can at least acknowledge the mail man passing by, every day.  But one thing I learned from Zombies, a long time ago, is…they get a little weird around people with shovels.

So why risk it?

Besides…nice neighbors or not, in all the time they’ve lived across the street, not one of them, extremities attached or not, has ever offered to help shovel out my driveway.

And will I get even a “thank you for trying to help” come spring time? 

No…I don’t think so.

But that’s just how it is with brain dead Zombies.  It’s always, “what have you done for me lately?”

1 comment:

  1. What do you call a group of Zombies in winter? A Mobzise. Perhaps I should keep that one on ice.


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