The Zombies Across the Street hate winter.
I mean, sure…we all hate winter…but nowhere near as much as the Zombies.
And you can pretty much understand why.
Snowy, icy sidewalks are not conducive to Zombie ambulation.
In other words, they don’t walk real well in snow or ice.
You know, because of the shuffling thing.
Think about it. If you can’t lift your feet, then you’re
going to get a lot of snow in your shoes.
And nothing makes a Zombie crankier than wet socks…other
than holier than thou vampires who constantly flaunt their top of the line, fine
tailored clothing in front of them.
Yeah.
You may not think it to look at them, but Zombies are pretty
sensitive to the tattered condition of their wardrobes. Hey, can they help it
if digging out of a 6 foot grave takes its toll on cotton, whether its permanent
press or not?
And they feel they’re not responsible if they’re terribly
out of style. The truth is, if you talk to a Zombie—any Zombie—they’ll tell you…depending
on whether or not they still have tongues, let alone a lower jaw…they’ll tell
you, under normal circumstances, they wouldn’t be caught dead in the thing the
mortician tied on them.
But what can they do? They’re Zombies. It comes with the territory, just as much as
the constant headshots they have to endure from overzealous, closed minded
neighbors.
But back to the snow and ice situation. Wet feet are one
thing for a Zombie to deal with in winter, but if they were to slip on the ice
and fall—which as you might expect happens a lot—then they can forget about
catching the new season of Dancing with the Stars, anytime soon. It’s just
inhumanly possible for them to get up off that ice.
And it’s pretty sad for the rest of us to watch, as well.
Not that I didn't try to help…once.
It was that bad ice storm we had a while back. The Zombies Across the street were all heading
out to a Valentines party being held down at the local community center.
Okay…you might find that odd—especially Valentine's—but they do
try to attend as many of these town functions as they can, just to try and dispel
a lot of the myths and put a good face
on the undead. And believe me, it takes
them awhile to find just the right face to bring along.
Anyway, here they come one by one, all wearing their hearts
on their sleeves…which to be honest, is unpleasant to see, even if it is Valentine's Day.
So it made it that much harder to watch as the middle Zombie
went down, followed by the one behind, and the next one and the next…because as
long as they’ve been re-animated, they have never learned the concept of “watch
where you’re going”….let alone, "be considerate of another’s personal space".
Talk about a mess.
There were arms and legs flailing everywhere…and no figuring
out which belonged to whom, with no way to reattach them, even if you could.
Uh uh….
So what was I to do? I’m not an indifferent neighbor. And
the Zombies have never been anything but nice to me; they’ve never once asked to
taste my liver.
Except that one time, but that was just a misunderstanding….
Bygones.
Well, neighborly or not, as hard as I tried, there was
really nothing I could do. As soon as I managed
to get a few of them upright, one of them would invariably lose his footing, again—and
sometimes his or her entire foot—and down they’d all go again.
And seeing as trying to get a random passerby on the street
to help you help ghouls, is near impossible, I was on my own.
So I had to leave them there…for the rest of the season.
Yeah….
And if you think you’re having a hard winter, looking out,
day after day, at nothing but a monochromatic landscape of snow…try looking out
your window, every day for a month and seeing the outline of a frozen pile of
Zombies in the snow.
Okay, sure…I suppose I could go over and shovel them out now
and again, just so they can at least acknowledge the mail man passing by, every day. But one thing I learned from Zombies, a long
time ago, is…they get a little weird around people with shovels.
So why risk it?
Besides…nice neighbors or not, in all the time they’ve lived
across the street, not one of them, extremities attached or not, has ever
offered to help shovel out my driveway.
And will I get even a “thank you for trying to help” come spring
time?
No…I don’t think so.
But that’s just how it is with brain dead Zombies. It’s always, “what have you done for me
lately?”
What do you call a group of Zombies in winter? A Mobzise. Perhaps I should keep that one on ice.
ReplyDelete