Friday, February 12, 2016

Over-Caffeinated Concerns

I’m a little over-caffeinated today.

I usually keep to two cups of coffee each morning, but today I totally forgot about the second cup and accidentally had a third.

Well, maybe not so much accidentally as I had to actually make another cup.

Well, not the cup—I already had the cup...a lot of cups, actually—but more the liquid that goes into the cup that contains the coffee...and, naturally the caffeine.

Well, maybe I made more than just another cup and the liquid that goes into the cup that contains the coffee...and, naturally the caffeine, since I don’t know how to make just one cup, so I actually made two more cups and the liquid that goes into the cup that contains the coffee...and, naturally the caffeine...but only drank one least for now.

So I’m feeling a little more energetic than know, because of all the yada yada yada....

Not that you can tell, because you’re just reading this and you can’t see the size of my pupils...but if you could, you’d know that I’m really geared up.

I mean right now, I have the urge to paint my roof, enlarge my basement...maybe even move my neighbor’s garage.

I also feel like transcribing Wester’s dictionary, Roget’s Thesaurus AND Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations...all editions...into Klingon.

But luckily I have a built in antidote for all this hyper energy; it’s called chronic laziness...and after a short nap of a couple of hours or so, this too shall pass.

You’re probably wondering, with all this caffeine coursing through my system how I could possibly drift off to sleep, which to be honest is certainly a fair question.

But I find if I close my eyes that usually does the trick.

Which is good because if I didn’t your guess is as good as mine whose laundry I’d end up doing.

And whether or not anyone is actually still wearing it.

Because even though I’m fueled by this huge caffeine driven adrenaline rush, my judgment’s not always the best in this situation.

I know...right?

Hard to tell.

Okay...sure.  Maybe I don’t know how to operate a back hoe properly, let alone use it to pick up McDonalds...but you have to admire the ambition.

Plus, no one was using it at the time...not really.

And maybe that woman didn’t actually need help carrying in her groceries...or whatever it was she had in her trunk.

Maybe it was her spare tire, just like the summons said, but helpful is helpful...right?

Anyway, I’ve been sleeping this little rush off for the last few paragraphs—not that you could tell—so I’m starting to get both feet back underneath me, which is good since the guy with the badge who’s been sitting nearby this whole time is starting to look annoyed.

But I can’t complain.

At least I got a few things accomplished today.... 


Have you picked up my new book “The Kingdom of Keys”?
No....what's up with that???
Better hurry before they're ALL GONE...which is a lie because they'll never be all gone...never....

So why not buy one just to reward my forthrightness..ness...ness?

You might even enjoy it.

And spread the word...cuz nobody else is....

Just sayin....
Available now at -  Click Here

And while your at it

Like" the Retorts on Facebook 


  1. it's a special gift to be able to sleep after a cup (or 6) of coffee... i rarely nap but i can sleep (and give a urine sample, probably tmi) on command... happy friday!
    cheers to the lenten season where it may be necessary to replace the meat with the beer.

    1. You're a women of many talents...and apparently handy should there be a fire....

    2. Do you mean Nicole can put out the fire with the beer?

    3. Well, what else would I mean...?

    4. for the record, the beer would not be wasted in such a way...there are other means.....

    5. After a visit, my brother left a bottle of Heineken and one of Beck's Beer. Jay chose the Heineken to trap those green worms that nibble on the young tomatoes. Nicole might have done a better job than the beer. Hey - where is Ropey?

    6. thanks joan... i hope jay drank the heineken before the worms were allowed in.

    7. I'm gonna step back and let you ladies sort this all out...worms, bottles, beer...what have you.

      Joan, I beleive Ropey is off writing a musical based on his life. He's promised me a preview before it hits the London stage....


Retort to the Retort -

“Is there anybody alive out there…”