Life Becomes Us

We don’t get to choose our lives…even though we might think we do.

We don’t get to decide what we become, or who we become, or how we become…even though we might think we do.

We—all of us—if we’re fortunate enough, smart enough, even strong enough, set out to become something, to make something, to live something…of a life.

Yet in time we come to see, what a fool’s errand we’ve been on.

What a naïve merry go round, we’ve been riding.

Because in time we all come to see that we evolve into what our lives want us to be…not the other way around.

“Say what”, you say.

“Say yes”, I say.

Everyday….

If only that were true.

Because on most days, I mostly say…“Oy vey…what now?”

But somehow, inside, I know, the things I’ve been chasing my whole life—the things constantly just outside my reach—are the things I was never meant to catch.

Just the things I wanted to catch…while all the time life had another idea in mind for me.

Great…!

Right?

Well, not so much…at least at the time.

Which was before its time.

“Say what”, you say.

“Say yes”, I say.

Of course this could be and probably is just some sort of justification for failing to meet the goals I set for myself in my earlier days…in between having my diaper changed.

I don’t know why, but Jungle Explorer always seemed to be my calling…despite my poison ivy problems. 

And I don’t think it was unreasonable to expect Ed McMahon to retire so I could slip into his job as Johnny’s sidekick and eventually assume the late night throne by the 90’s.

It’s not like I wasn’t willing to wait my turn.

And it all would have worked out if it weren’t for just one thing….

Leno!

Who would have expected such back stabbing?

That plus the fact that the guy from NBC never answered my letters…not one!

Almost as if someone was hiding them…

Leno!

But as time went on I realized, sometimes the path we seek, isn’t necessarily seeking us.

Sometimes the path that’s meant for us is the one that’s always been there, off to the sides, overgrown in a tangle of weeds and brambles.

The one with the spooky eyes, hidden in the bush, glowing off in the distance.

The one that others take one look at, and then quickly move along to one of the alternate paths; the ones serving margaritas and passing out snorkeling gear.

And who could blame them, especially if that’ll lead them to where they belong.

But there’s always been something about that tangled path over to the side; the one that’s both fascinated you and frightened you.

The one that always drags you back, until one day…maybe out of frustration…maybe out of hopelessness…or maybe just because you’re ready…you step into the dark….

And while you wonder if this is a huge mistake, and are reminded of the time you got on the wrong bus when you were 10 and instead of going home, ended up two towns over, sitting all alone with the driver as he ate his lunch and asked if you liked gladiator movies…it’s not at all like that.

There’s calm in this particular darkness, a warmth and a pull from an indiscernible beacon that locks on to you and makes you feel at home.

Soon, you come to realize—the further along the path you travel…the further this benevolent beacon guides you through unexpected twists and turns—the contentment you feel, is your life taking shape around you...bringing you to where you were always meant to be…and where you’ve always been.

Maybe, not the life you dreamed or the life you thought you’d become…but, instead, the life that became you.

And you can’t help but be happy with that…..

Especially when you realize, Fallon can’t host the Tonight Show forever….

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Polarizing Vortex...really?

It’s a big story, right now…

“Polar Vortex Returns!”

How polarizing.

Not sure why.

We used to just call it "Frickin Cold"...or some variation...throw a hoodie on under our jackets and maybe a vest, depending on the degree of frozen nostril we were experiencing, and go about our day.

Now we assign a fancy name to it, buy a $500 North Face jacket, then stay inside and post about how "Frickin Cold" it is...."

Which is what I’m doing….

But maybe I’m missing something…cuz I don’t think it’s all that cold.

At least not here...where I am...in my house...with the heat on....

I mean it’s November.

Cold happens.

Sometimes even snow.

What’s the headline then?

Cold and Snow…”The President’s to Blame!”

And don’t let me hear a sound from all the fall, cozy, schmozy, leaf peeping, cider drinking, pumpkin picking people, about how cold it is.

Okay…you can make a sound.

That’s an unrealistic expectation of me to ask.

Fall, cozy, schmozy, leaf peeping, cider drinking, pumpkin picking people are known for their shrieks of delight.

So I’d expect a few Brrrrrrrrrrr….sounds out of that bunch.

But please keep it to a minimum.

I warned you this was coming.

I mean, what good would all the cozy wool sweaters and toasted tootsies by the fire be without some frigid temps. 

And you wanted frost on the pumpkin.

So now you have it.

And it’s gonna get a lot worse.

But not for a while.

I still have my beach chairs in the car.

So we’re good….for a while.

Until I take them out.

But I’m not…for a while.

So the nice weather will be back.

I can do that….

But don’t tell anybody.

Just ignore the headlines and take it as it comes.

Polar Vortex….

Just a fancy name for “Frickin Cold!”

It’s November…cold happens….

 

Gotta go turn up the heat.

 

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Less Letters

Do we really need two Ds in address?

I mean, isn’t that a waste of D’s time?

We’d still get it with just the one D.

Notice I’m not even bringing up the S’s.

Pick your battles, right?

If there’s any letter used to excess…it’s S.

Excess being a prime offender.

Who wouldn’t get it without the extra S?

Not to mention the extra F in offender.

Another one.

Halloween just passed, and while we might need the extra E for the “een” effect, did we really need to waste that additional L.

What the Hell…again.

The L.

Really?

Realy?

Works just as well…don’t you think?

Wel?

Do you?

Who came up with all these wasted letter rules, anyway?

Some guy name Al probably…with L envy.

Because All’s he ever wanted…this Al.

So he encumbered the rest of us with all these extra letters.

When just one leter, like T, would do.

Never thought about it before, did you?

Yeah…that’s how most people are.

Never give much thought to something until it starts affecting you directly, do ya?

Like that F in affecting.

There are so many better things that F could be doing right now, as well as that T in better, rather than aiding your pronunciation.

I mean if you don’t know how the words are supposed to sound by now….

Besides, we could probably use all those secondary, weak sister letters to make all sorts of new words.

Like FLSTDRABIGO.

What’s it mean?

How should I know?

I just made it up.

It can mean anything I want it to mean…like all the other words when they were first made up.

Do you think the guy who invented “Handle” knew what it meant?

No…he just went around with this great new word, looking for something to apply it to.

One day, he got tired of never being able to open any of his kitchen drawers so he stuck it there and we’ve had handles ever since.

Make sense?

It does…really?

Okay…well then, I think I’m going to assign FLSTDRABIGO to mean the thing that happens when you put your shoes on the wrong feet.

“Damn…FLSTDRABIGO again!”

I mean it’s not something that happens every day…once a week, tops...so it should be able to just sneak into the lexicon, gradually.

I was going to assign it to the thing that happens when you put your underpants on backwards, but since that happens a lot more often…at least to me…I thought it would be a little bit of over kill.

So you can see I’m not taking this lightly.

I’ve given it a lot of thought.

Maybe too much thought….

But look…I just slipped an extra O by you…twice.

Although one can argue that in these particular cases the extra O is necessary.

One can argue…but I disagree.

And I don’t think I even need to mention the abomination of excess that “necessary” brings.

Or excess…or disagree….

It an endless battle.

But somebody has to fight it…it might as well be me….

I’ll just add it to the list….

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

 

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More Positive...maybe

I’ve been trying to be more positive.

Yeah…I know…again.

I’ve written about my negativity in the past…and the future…and even the present.

So it shouldn’t come as a surprise…least of all to me.

And while in the end I know I’m bound to fail…again….

Oh…wait…can’t say that.

And while I KNOW, this time I’m going to succeed…at least until I slip up and make a mess of everything…again…

Sorry….

Yeah…I know…you’ve heard it all before.

But this time things are going to be different.

This time I’m going to change my attitude…maybe even change my shoes…and possibly my socks.

At least in time for the holidays.

I’ve come to see that everything is really just a matter of attitude…and perspective.

If you expect good things, you’ll get good things…and vice versa.

And if you expect bad things…well, then why would you even think about leaving the house.

Excuse me a second…my glass of OJ is half full.  I’m gonna get a refill so I can half fill it again….

Okay…sorry.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah….

Why bother leaving the house.

No no no…that’s not it…what I mean is, why look at things with a dour deposition?

Why expect the worst outcome when you can just as easily anticipate the best!

Even though that’s really, pretty much unlikely….

Oops!

Sorry…old habits die hard. In fact they’re near impossible to overcome.

Damn!

Sorry…I mean, perseverance always pays off…you know, except when it doesn’t and you end up crushed and disappointed.

This is not the first time I’ve been down this road, so I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time.

It’s not like I haven’t been trying.

For instance, the other day I went to the mall to buy a pair of sneakers.

Not just any sneakers; the same brand and style of sneakers I’ve been wearing since Reagan was almost an actor…sort of.

Normally, in the past, I would walk into the shoe store, already negatively resigned to the fact that while they may indeed have the exact shoe I was looking for, they would of course not have it in my size…which with shoes is important.

And I’d be right.

This would normally be followed by a lot of huffing and puffing and grumping about the likelihood of my spending the next decade shoeless.

But not this time! This time I marched right into the store, positively expecting the exact shoe I was looking for, in my size, to be sitting right out on the counter, just waiting for me to pick them up and take them home.

And do you know what happened? 

Right…

They did indeed actually have the exact shoe I was looking for, and this time the box did have my size written right there on the side, and the shoes inside, were only off by a size and a half…which I took to be progress made.

So I have to admit…positive thinking does have its pluses.

And instead of huffing and puffing and grumping about the likelihood of my spending the next decade shoeless…I only huffed, with a little grump, and did not at all think I would spend any more than the next 5 years shoeless.

And as I left the mall, I was so positive that the meter lady had indeed left yet another overtime parking ticket on my windshield that I didn’t even read it before I tore it up, this time.

Yep…It’s all in the way you look at things.

Positive vs. negative.

Why worry about the bad before it happens, when you can appreciate it so much more when it inevitably sneaks up on you…at the worst possible moment

Just think of all the worry free time you’ll have to buy those lottery tickets, now.

I’m pretty certain those things always pay off…at least if you think positively about those numbers you found on that gum wrapper that was stuck to the bottom of your new sneaker…the one that doesn’t quite fit!

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Eye Yi Eye

 

 

 

 

I had a visit with my eye doctor last week.

Well, I guess it really wasn’t a visit…there was no tea involved, and nary a crumpet to be found.

No, it was for my annual eye exam.

Annual, if every 5 years or so counts.

As I’ve discussed in the past, I’m not very good at making appointments…for anything…especially anything that begins with Dr.

But I decided it was time to go see the eye doc, mostly because I was having trouble seeing all the walls I kept bumping into.

That and the fact I’d begun to notice mothers yanking their kids off the sidewalk whenever I pulled my car out of the driveway.

So I thought maybe people were seeing some things I wasn’t…so to speak.

Like stop signs…and curbs…and such.

So I gave in and made an appointment with my eye doc.

Well…not my eye doc, per se, since it turned out my eye doc had retired since I’d last been in to see him.

So I had to see his replacement…which I did, which is why I’m using the word “see” so much…since it’s all about the eyes…yi eye.

I first became aware of my vision trouble when way back in 6^th grade.  It was becoming difficult to see the blackboard…and most of the other kids…plus I noticed the yearly eye exam they made us take was getting harder and harder to memorize.

You know…the one where you had to see the Giant E on top of the chart and read your way down.

When they asked me to read the rest of the chart, it was of course all a blur, so I just made stuff up…including some Greek.

Most of which was wrong.

Except for the Greek.

As a result of this failure, I was sent home with a note, saying I needed to get my eyes checked by a professional, rather than the guy who delivered the milk every morning, who doubled as the school eye test administrator…but, being nearly blind, I could have been mistaken.

So from there I was diagnosed with “Mr. Magooiopia” and subsequently prescribed a series of eye glasses—which I hardly ever war—except to see…and hard contacts, which were these little tiny plastic dots that felt as if they were stuck onto my pupil with paper clips…until I moved on to the much more reasonable, not to mention comfortable, soft contact lenses, which I could actually sleep in.

Basically, the point is, a lot has changed since my old doc retired and this new doc stepped in to take his place…you know, after he finished his morning milk runs.

I mean, a lot has changed, except the horrified expression on the staff’s faces when I say, I haven’t been in for…a while.

Which I don’t really mind…but find the genuflecting and hand blessings to be a bit excessive.

There were a few additional pre-exam machines to contend with, now, including this one large computer where I had to stick my entire face in a hole, or so it seemed, and have an image of the back of my eye made.

Which in some ways is very cool but in others, disconcerting, since I don’t think I’ve even seen the back of my eye, let alone strangers.

What if it doesn’t look like everybody else’s?

What if I’m shunned because of it, like my third nipple? 

I was just getting used to the body parts I already knew were unusual.

Did I really need to add another to the list?

But apparently, the back of my eye wasn’t all that out of line with any of the others…and besides the additional genuflecting and hand blessings, no one really gave that indication.

Finally, I got to meet my new eye doc, who pretty much resembled my old eye doc...I think—I really couldn't tell since everything was blurry— who then conducted the exam in pretty much the same manner as before…minus the leeches.

There were a lot of “look here” and “look there’s”…and the customary, “Is this better or worse…better now…and how about now. Better one…or better two…better 4 or better 3…which I think they throw in just to confuse you.

In fact sometimes I’m pretty sure they don’t change a thing, just to fool you.

But who’s fooling who? 

Most of the time I’m just guessing, anyway, because, like I said, it all looks fuzzy to me.

But you’re not gonna catch me flunking another eye test…nope…not since my 6^th grade humiliation.

I’ve got all the letters memorized by now.

And it works because my prescription hasn’t changed in 20 years, and I can still walk into walls without seeing them coming.

Which is a plus because who needs to see that?

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