Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Appearances are Important

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about body image.

Apparently it’s important what your body says about you in the way that it presents itself to others.

Like I have control over that?

My body has a mind of its own.

I mean it really has a mind of its own.  It showed up in my chest x-ray, right next to my liver.


I don’t know…I’ve never thought a lot about my body image before. I mean I don’t hear a lot of gasps and things when I walk into a room…at least not since I had the mole that looked like Grandpa Munster removed.

And when I go to the beach and take my shirt off only the toddlers run away…you know, because of my third nipple.

The adults just turn their chairs.

Sure, there were times when I would walk into a dimly lit room and it appeared as if Alfred Hitchcock’s shadow followed me in.

But I’ve been losing weight…again…and Al’s pretty much gone for now.

Now it just looks as if Beetle Bailey walked in.

They say kids have a tough time with body image because of all the beautiful people they see in the movies and on TV.

But I don’t have a problem with that; we need beautiful people in the movies and on TV.

What…I should pay 12 bucks to go look at ugly people?

I can do that for free everyday…every morning…when I look in the mirror.

So there’s that….

Then we have body language…as if I don’t have enough trouble with the regular kind…body or otherwise.

Apparently when we meet someone for the first time our body language does all the talking for us, at least to those who understand such things.

How firmly we shake hands, hold our arms, turn our feet in, turn our feet out …make eye contact, avoid eye contact…stick our fingers in our ears.

All of it matters, especially if you stick your fingers in someone else’s ears.

With or without an explanation….

Then today’s horoscope is telling me my inner self and outer self are going to be out of sync.

Like I need that again…especialy on a Sunday….

The last time my inner self and outer self were out of sync it caused a lot of trouble.

I ran a stop sign and got ticket.

I mistakenly insulted a Canadian.

I picked up the Wall Street Journal instead of the NY Post and ended up placing an order for 2,000 shares of something called “Cookies Crockery” instead of ordering my usual…well, never mind.

I bought low sodium soap instead of soup…the wrong non-dairy creamer.

Met the wrong friend for lunch.

Ate the right lunch but at the wrong table.

And don’t get me started on the Aquarium.

It was really getting to the point that I considered seeking out a professional for some counseling.

But then I went to the men’s room and discovered that I had just put on my underwear backwards, which in itself is disconcerting…at least in the moment.

So I better go and check on that again.

You never know when you’re going to run into another Canadian. …

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  1. Here's how to figure out your BMI. Pick a number, divide it by 7 3/4, multiply it by your weight, subtract 3X the original number plus your height. That is your BMI. I never trust what people claim as their BMI at neighborhood cocktail parties because it is too hard to figure out. I just explain to them the theory of relativity, which is much easier to understand.

  2. Joan, you need to find some other cocktail parties. Perhaps one that discusses the ins and outs of transmogrification and it's applications in the digital age. Or you're welcome to come to one of mine where we usually discuss soap....

  3. We already know about transwhatever, so what's the scoop about soap?

  4. Can't talk about it here...too dirty...


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